So a lot has been going on in my life that has impacting me
in my studies and obviously updating this blog. I had an infected tooth that
was hurting me for a while and I was seen on Feb. 4th for it. They
were booked for the entire month so I couldn’t make an appointment until march
6th. The pain became so bad that it would wake me up in the middle
of the night and keep me up. I tried to go to class while in pain and I couldn’t
do anything except hold my face and wince in pain. I hardly heard a thing my
professor said. So consequently, I missed about 2 weeks of classes. I finally
BEGGED my dentist to see me before our appointment and get got me in last week
(2/12/14) and did the root canal. I had an exam on 2/13 and I was still in
pain. But I am finally over that and have been playing catch up with my
studies. I had a 2 part exam yesterday/today and I think I did pretty good on
it.
During this time last year I was dealing with some serious
issues with my depression/anxiety. My mom was helping me get through it. She
knew my personality well and she knew what to say that would motivate me and
not make me want to crawl back in bed. The bed is my safe place. I feel at
peace there. I have felt that way ever since I was kid. When life gets really
really hard, all I want to do is curl up in the covers, cuddle my cats and
sleep endlessly. There have been times when I have thought that death would be
better than the struggles I seem to constantly face in life. Don’t get me
wrong, I am not suicidal by any means. I could never take my own life and I’d
never do that to my family. Just sometimes I feel like the universe throws so
many obstacles my way. Mom used to say that God put so much on because I was a
very strong person and I could handle it. She said if he put those same
struggles on someone who appeared to not deal with as much as me, it would
break them and possibly cause them to end their life. She kinda made it sound
like my duty. But I’ve been missing her a lot. My depression got the better of
me recently with missing class due to my tooth, the pain in my tooth, the lack
of sleep and a professor who nearly outright refuses to work with me. It’s
times like this when I would call her for those pieces of advice, those words I
needed to hear from her, that encouraged me and reminded me of the strong woman
I am. But now I can’t call her. And mind you, there is NO ONE in this world who
has been able to say things to me to bring me the comfort of those words. She
just knew me…and she knew what to say…and how to say it…and I miss that a lot.
I’m going to miss that for the rest of my life.
But, I’m picking up the pieces and trying to go back to doing
good in my classes. The first step is actually attending them again. LOL. I
refuse to let anything stop me from graduating. Just like I refuse to let my
stomach condition stop me and refuse to let her passing stop me. I promised her
May 2014 and damn it, I meant it.
This semester is a constant reminder of her. I can look back
on Facebook messages we shared a year ago on this date and I do that frequently
to remember her advice she was giving me when I was going through that. My
boyfriend’s mom called me the other night when I was having a break down and it
was really really nice of her to do it. She asked me what I would say to my Mom
if I could talk to her and I started telling her and we ended up in
conversation, conversation that I would probably have had with my Mom if she
were still here. I appreciate his family so much. I also appreciate my family a
lot too. I recently learned that one of my cousins lost her Mom at a really
young age while she was away at college and so she resonates with how I feel
and that is comforting. It’s hard sometimes when people don’t understand what
you’re going through. I can honestly say I felt bad for people who lost their
parents prior to me losing mom, but I didn’t truly understand that pain until
last year when it happened to me and now when someone posts their parent or
close family is in the hospital or that they lost them, I literally feel pangs
of heartbreak for them.
So, today is 80 days until graduation. I have to have oral
surgery on March 10th which is the first day of my Spring Break. Yay
for my last Spring break being awesome (not).
I guess that is all. I wanted to give a quick update so y’all
know what’s going on.
