Dear Mom II....

Dear Mom,

In September I was contacted by a recruiter for a company I applied at during the summer about an open position he thought I would be interested in. For the past month I have been interviewing for a really great career opportunity. I made it to the top 3 candidates and that alone was such an honor to me. Houston is very competitive in the job market. Last week the company extended me the offer for the position and after I've completed all of my new hire stuff, I will officially be starting. I am so excited about this and I know you would be elated. My hard work is finally paying off and I am so excited for this opportunity. I really wanted to share this news with you and it's almost Thanksgiving which is OUR holiday and I miss you terribly and the thought of yet another Thanksgiving without you makes me so sad. But you should know that I am working hard and trying to do good in my life to make you proud. I have hard days and there are times where I feel like is unfair or everything is going wrong but I never give up.

I miss you.
I love you.
I hope you're proud.

 Love always, Your brown haired, brown eyed baby girl

Dear Mom I

I am going to start something new called "Dear Mom". It is going to be things I wish I could tell my Mom now or things that remind me of her that made me want to call her, etc.

Dear Mom,

I have been thinking about you a lot this week. No real reason why that I can think of. Tonight I went on a Paranormal Pub Tour with S, her husband and R. It wasn't like a ghost hunt. It was more of an informative tour I guess you'd say. The guide told us a lot about some of the oldest buildings in downtown Houston and some stories about people dying in certain buildings and reports of their ghosts still being there. I just had a good time and it made me think a lot of you. Last weekend we went to Renfest and oh my goodness, so much of that place reminds me of growing up. Even the smells. It made me think of you and just smile. How non-traditional our childhood was but yet so fascinating and fun when I think about it. I'm glad you were my Mom and now that I'm older there is so much I realize you had to do and deal with and I am truly grateful. and sorry for being a bratty teenager because I know I was hard to deal with. I remember you were about 28 or 29 when you dyed your hair black. I remember it being black with a purple hue. This week I dyed my hair for the first time ever and for some reason it made me think of you and when you dyed yours. It was a hard adjustment for me to see you go from very blonde to such dark hair. But now it's one of the ways I remember you most.

So...I just miss you and things make me think of you often. <3

I love you so much.

♫ I will think of you every step of the way....

I know I haven't posted in a while. So, sorry for that.

I've been missing Mom a lot lately. 

Not that I don't miss her every day but some days it just hits me harder than others. 

Some days I am just going on living my life and little things remind me of Mom and I smile and remember her. Other days I remember her or things remind me of her and it breaks me down.

Sunday was one of those days.

I cried so many times.

I was folding clothes on the livingroom floor and had received a phone call from my sister.

We discussed Mom's headstone. 

Her gravesite still doesn't have one and we were talking about saving money together to get her one.

Last year we all visited Mom's gravesite on Mother's Day (which was the day after my graduation) and we couldn't find the exact location she was buried. 

It really, really upset me and I haven't been back since. 

I feel like I'm failing Mom even in death because of that....

Then my boyfriend and I were watching TV Sunday night and there was a scene where someone was on life support and someone in their family reading them the sports section from the newspaper and it hurt me.

Because it reminded me of being in the hospital with Mom, playing her music hoping she'd come back.

Then I was filled with questions as to if we did the right thing taking her off life support.

I kept thinking "Miracles happen all the time. Did we do it too soon? Should we have waited."

I've been thinking about that too with the situation with Bobbi Kristina Brown being on life support right now.

It's hard.

Most of the time the thoughts are just memories and recalling good times and being like "awe that's totally a thing Mom would do." or "Mom would like this." or "Oh god...I am my mother." and other times it's so hard and it's like "This isn't fair. She was so young. Why did I lose my Mom when I was only 25 and she was 44?" 

I get upset when people have petty problems with their parents.

I get upset because they don't see what they have right in front of them.

They don't see the small things their parents are doing to sacrifice for them 

and make their life better.

If you have parents that are alive and are interested in your life and your well being and want the best for you, count yourself blessed.

EVEN if you don't see eye to eye.

Even if you're completely opposite and feel like they don't understand you.

Call them.

Text them.

Let them know you care.

Because it's absolutely killer when you can't do that anymore.

Cherish the "dreaded" family times.

As crazy as they may be.

My Dad is still alive and I am extremely blessed for that.

Plus we have a great relationship.

I am fortunate to have (had) a good relationship with both of my parents.

But I was raised by some awesome people...

I mean...what else would you call it when you can attend a Motley Crue concert together, right?

or when your Mom reprimands you for "taking that stupid boy you just met to see Motley Crue" instead of taking her... LOL

Pure freaking awesomeness.

As I was typing this blog, I had to leave and go cry in my coworker's office.

I was in there for over an hour.

I texted one of my coworker's who works in the same room as me and asked him to bring me tissues off my desk because he lost his Dad and so he knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I told him I was crying and didn't want anyone to see me like that.

He brought me my box and pulled me off the couch and hugged me.

It was so nice and definitely needed.

One of my female coworker's who I'm very close to is traveling this week and so she wasn't here to comfort me like she normally is when this happens to me at work.

I was kinda freaking out inside not knowing what to do but I knew I couldn't stay at my desk because I was about to breakdown.

So anyway....I guess I'm done blogging for now.

I actually meant to write a blog about what it means to be strong while grieving but this blog took a different turn with my random crying moments...

So, hopefully I can get that blog post in sometime soon.

Stay tuned.

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

“When you died, it was the biggest shock of my life. Nothing prepared me for it. I live each day wondering how I will get through it, and then I remember that you would want me to.”
—  Cindy Adkins

Also, here is a link to my Spotify Playlist for Mom.

2015: Realization and Growth

It's a new year and I'm just posting. 2014 ended well. I have been at my job for just over a year now. I enjoy the work that I do and my coworkers. Things aren't bad. My financial status has changed this month and I have less free money since starting to pay on my student loans, but overall things are good.

I get extremely happy when the semester starts because that means my boyfriend is one step closer to graduating. I love when he succeeds. I love our partnership. I love him very much.

I've been missing my family a lot. Everyone is in different states, as I always say, and it makes it hard sometimes. There is just something about YOUR family. The ones who have grown up with you and have seen you change over the course of time. Those who have seen through your most embarrassing and darkest times and still chose to stick it out with you. I absolutely love my boyfriend's parents and I am very comfortable with them as my own family that I do get to see more frequently. I always emphasize to my boyfriend to enjoy his time with his family. Ever since Mom's passing I am all about the 'family time'. I don't want someone to miss out on a moment with their family that may very well be their last...I know that seems morbid but that's one way death changes your perception of things. I've known people who have died, but they were always people I hadn't spoke in years or weren't all that close with. Mom is the first person that I was so close with that it impacted my life in such a direct sense. I didn't even live with her. But we spoke nearly every single day. I remember her freaking out on Facebook a few years ago because I hadn't arrived at her house yet for Thanksgiving. I was extremely hungover from going out with friends on Washington Ave. the night before and so I was running late. When I woke up I was tagged in an excessive amount of posts asking if anyone had heard from me. I also remember her freaking out after my 25th birthday for the same reason. We partied hard and were hungover and she hadn't heard from me yet. God love her. <3 Which makes me remember the time she asked me if I was a lesbian because my friend Pam and I were so close. She legitimately thought we were dating. Which is hilarious to me because we weren't dating and I am not into girls. So many things about her make me smile. It's so funny how you go from wanting to be nothing like your Mom to being excited when someone gives you a compliment somehow indicating you're like her. It's funny how these things change in your mind. I still know my Mom did a lot of things I would never do and I chalk a lot of that up to being a young parent. There are many things I did differently than he rand am proud of. There are many things that I do just like her that I am proud of. It's so weird being a daughter. It's so weird growing up.

This is the year of weddings. I have so many friends getting married in 2015 that it's crazy. But I am so happy for everyone that is getting married. Which then reminds me that I will get married sometime in the future. And makes me think about wedding planning...which then makes me remember that Mom won't be here for my wedding. and that ALWAYS makes me sad. It just...isn't fair. and she won't be here for my future pregnancy and kids...and all that. It just makes me so sad. These are things I was supposed to have her for. and now what? No one can fill that void I have since she's left. I have people who are close 2nds or who are people that I know will get excited for my successes and share my excitement in the things I do, but it's not the same at all as talking to her. So much to tell her but I just keep it inside and hope that Heaven is real and she's up there watching me from time to time.