They Say There Is A Reason (poem)

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way I feel,

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind our smiles,

No one knows how many times,

We've broken down and cried,

We want to tell you something,

So there won't be any doubt,

You're so wonderful to think of,

But so hard to be without.

Disclaimer: Not written by me.

Are you there God? It's me, Jessica.

So something new in my life since losing Mom.

I have started praying more.

I pray for our country.

I pray for my friends and family.

I pray for my friends' family.

I pray for the sick, the wounded, the poor, the government, everyone.


Jackie Kennedy praying at St. Edwards church after her husband's death in 1968

Then I get confused because I don't know what I believe.

I think I want to believe in God more because I want to believe that Mom is with him.

I see all these things saying that God has a plan for us and sometimes I think Mom was meant to pass away when she did for many reasons. 

Maybe to keep me from failing the semester and getting a second chance.

I don't know.

I am so confused but I really want to believe.

I just don't understand how God has a plan for us and yet we have free will.

I don't understand why we have to accept Jesus if God already knows what we're going to do.

I don't understand why I have to accept Jesus to be close to God.

Maybe I need to go to church. 

Just in my previous experience the majority of people attending church are hypocrites.

Now this was when I lived in Alabama and in a small town and things could be different here.

I could start attending Lakewood in Houston when I'm there.

I've heard good things about that place.

I just feel lost.

Maybe I feel so lost and that is what's bringing me closer to God.

Maybe God is working on my heart and I know it and I'm trying to find out how to be closer.

So much confusion....

and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

This song has been on my mind a lot lately.

Particularly this part:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes.

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again.

Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera 

So summer school started last week and I was scared to start back. I have spent the past 2 months being sad, withdrawn, unproductive.

I am actually glad the semester started because it has distracted me from being sad as often.

Monday was the day before my first exam.

Also in what I consider my hardest course: Computer Programming Principles (CS 202).

I hate programming with a fiery hot passion that I can even explain.

When I woke up on Monday I felt a huge amount of anxiety.

I felt like I was going to cry any minute or anything could trigger me into a breakdown.

I met with 2 people on campus to study and had to fight back tears while studying.

By the time I got home close to 9pm I was ready to lose it.

I sat on the couch with my boyfriend and started crying.

Everything is/was upsetting me.

How hateful people have become over the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.

The innocent people that are getting hurt.

Talia Joy Castellano lost her battle with cancer.

I am really scared of disappointing everyone.

I am at that point where my life is going to be going one of two ways and it's going to kinda set the stage for the rest of my life.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of not being successful.

I'm scared of disappointing everyone that has invested in me and helped me this far.

I feel like I wouldn't be honoring Mom very much if I failed.

These things run through my mind over and over and over.

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and during the end where all the people Harry lost appear to him I lost it. I cried so hard.

I was thinking how amazing it would be if the spirit of someone you loved and lost showed up. 

To even have that moment.

For an instant - would be amazing.

As usual my boyfriend consoled me.

Gave me a little pep talk about being successful and what my mom would want.

On my first two projects in 202:

10/10

10/10

First exam

94/100

He said he's curving the exam 6 points.

So far in my computer science 350 class:

65.56/62

Yep - straight 100 there.

Exam tomorrow though.

As far as my Social Psychology class, I don't know. 

She hasn't given any grades yet. 

We just participate in a bunch of discussion questions.

We have our exam on Friday.

So, I'm feeling good. 

1 week down. 3 weeks to go.

My immediate reaction when I got my exam back today was to call Mom.

God I wanted to call her so bad and hear her be happy for me and encourage me.

She's so encouraging about education and good grades.

I loved that.

I always felt like such a disappointment if I didn't get what I think would be good enough for her.

Anyway,

I know I haven't updated in a bit so here it is. 

You probably won't see another update for about a week with 2 more exams coming up.

Someday you'll say that word and I will cry

So, yesterday I went to my one of my close cousin's for the 4th of July.

My cousin on my Mom's side of the family.

It was very comforting.
I also got to meet my little cousin who I may soon be helping compete in children's pageants.
(I look forward to this.)

I also want to note that I feel so blessed to be getting closer with that side of my family.

It's bittersweet to think that is because of Mom's passing.


My cousin Ashley & I on the 4th

Classes start Tuesday and I already started on my coursework yesterday.
Figured it'd be best to get ahead when taking 9 credit hours in a 1 month period.
I'm feeling excited about having something to work on and my mind not feeling consumed with sadness.
I feel like I'm actually working toward something instead of being stagnant and sad all the time.
So far I've received A's on my quizzes that I have completed and earned bonus points for finding errors.


This is going to be me with school work. lol

But everytime I begin to think about my overall goal I am reminded that Mom won't be there when I graduate.
She is the one person in my life who I knew was going to be the happiest about me getting my degree.
I will be the first female in my family to graduate with a college degree.
She wanted it so much for herself and for her children.



I am considering partnering up with the Brain Aneurysm Foundation and hosting a run/walk in the area.
This would help raise money for research and possibly how to prevent brain aneurysms from happening or detecting them before it's too late.
I'll have to see how I can work that into my schedule.

Those are my thoughts for now.

Music: Goodbye's (The Saddest Word)

I'll see you again, this is not where it ends

Dear Diary:

Sometimes in the middle of a good thing I will start crying.

I've also started being angry more often - like snappy without realizing it.

Getting upset over small things.

I don't know why.

If I'm not sad I just feel angry.

I'm not happy for very long if I do experience happiness.

We always joke about the "Jessica law of the universe".

Kinda like Murphy's law except "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong for Jessica".

I thought things were hard enough dealing with my health issues and depression.

But I always had Mom to talk to about it.

Now she's gone and all I think is, 

"Whhyyyyyy? Why do these things keep happening to me!?"

Today is the first time I have ever felt and believed Mom was with me.

People kept telling me it would happen and after 2 months and 13 days I just wasn't believing it.

I thought maybe because I'm not a very religious person that I wouldn't experience it.

Well today I registered for a pageant and as I got approved for my regional title I could hear Mom in my head cheering me on, being excited for me.

Later tonight I left to get groceries and I turned on the radio looking for a station and I stopped and on the station I stopped on "Kickstart My Heart" was playing and I KNEW that was her way of giving me a sign.

I sat in the parking lot to finish the song and cried and smiled.

I just knew.

They said when they give you a sign or are with you then you'll know.

I've been so mean to my boyfriend and I feel terrible about it.

It just happens and I seriously feel justified in my anger.

But later I realize how ridiculous I was being.

I don't know how he stands being around me sometimes.

I feel like I'm so negative.

But right now he's one of the few things in my life that is helping me maintain my sanity.

I am so grateful for him.

Today after I told him I registered for a pageant he told me that I had one of the most naturally beautiful faces he'd ever seen.

D'awww.

Things that make me happy these days:

1) Coke Icees

2) My boyfriend

3) My cats

4) The Office

School starts next Wednesday and I'm pretty scared.

I feel like I'm getting better but that is usually followed by a really bad day.

Fingers crossed that doesn't occur.

It'd be awesome to go an entire week without a breakdown due to immense sadness.

It's not hurting as bad.

I'm scared though of that pain coming back.

It's unbearable.

The worst physical pain I ever encountered was when I broke my back.

I would rather experience that again than to experience this emotional pain.

2 Sunday's ago I literally felt like I lost Mom all over again.

I remembered everything.

It replayed as if I was watching a movie and have to live through it all over again.

I remember watching the color leave her lips.

Having to call Grandma and tell her to get to the hospital.
My little brother walking in with my boyfriend and knowing we were going to have to tell him because I knew he'd want to know why weren't in Mom's room anymore when before we refused to leave it.

It was horrible.

and when I came inside later that night he was there waiting to hold me and let me cry myself into a splitting headache and say the usual nonsense I mutter about life not being fair.

But it is. 

One thing is for sure - 

we will all lose someone we care about in our life. 

Death is certain.

Oh yeah, it's so weird that Elena Gilbert & Harry Potter gifs encompass everything I'm feeling.

I guess they're fictional characters who have lost the ones they love too.

Just in more tragic/horrific ways.

Whatevs.