♫ I will think of you every step of the way....

I know I haven't posted in a while. So, sorry for that.

I've been missing Mom a lot lately. 

Not that I don't miss her every day but some days it just hits me harder than others. 

Some days I am just going on living my life and little things remind me of Mom and I smile and remember her. Other days I remember her or things remind me of her and it breaks me down.

Sunday was one of those days.

I cried so many times.

I was folding clothes on the livingroom floor and had received a phone call from my sister.

We discussed Mom's headstone. 

Her gravesite still doesn't have one and we were talking about saving money together to get her one.

Last year we all visited Mom's gravesite on Mother's Day (which was the day after my graduation) and we couldn't find the exact location she was buried. 

It really, really upset me and I haven't been back since. 

I feel like I'm failing Mom even in death because of that....

Then my boyfriend and I were watching TV Sunday night and there was a scene where someone was on life support and someone in their family reading them the sports section from the newspaper and it hurt me.

Because it reminded me of being in the hospital with Mom, playing her music hoping she'd come back.

Then I was filled with questions as to if we did the right thing taking her off life support.

I kept thinking "Miracles happen all the time. Did we do it too soon? Should we have waited."

I've been thinking about that too with the situation with Bobbi Kristina Brown being on life support right now.

It's hard.

Most of the time the thoughts are just memories and recalling good times and being like "awe that's totally a thing Mom would do." or "Mom would like this." or "Oh god...I am my mother." and other times it's so hard and it's like "This isn't fair. She was so young. Why did I lose my Mom when I was only 25 and she was 44?" 

I get upset when people have petty problems with their parents.

I get upset because they don't see what they have right in front of them.

They don't see the small things their parents are doing to sacrifice for them 

and make their life better.

If you have parents that are alive and are interested in your life and your well being and want the best for you, count yourself blessed.

EVEN if you don't see eye to eye.

Even if you're completely opposite and feel like they don't understand you.

Call them.

Text them.

Let them know you care.

Because it's absolutely killer when you can't do that anymore.

Cherish the "dreaded" family times.

As crazy as they may be.

My Dad is still alive and I am extremely blessed for that.

Plus we have a great relationship.

I am fortunate to have (had) a good relationship with both of my parents.

But I was raised by some awesome people...

I mean...what else would you call it when you can attend a Motley Crue concert together, right?

or when your Mom reprimands you for "taking that stupid boy you just met to see Motley Crue" instead of taking her... LOL

Pure freaking awesomeness.

As I was typing this blog, I had to leave and go cry in my coworker's office.

I was in there for over an hour.

I texted one of my coworker's who works in the same room as me and asked him to bring me tissues off my desk because he lost his Dad and so he knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I told him I was crying and didn't want anyone to see me like that.

He brought me my box and pulled me off the couch and hugged me.

It was so nice and definitely needed.

One of my female coworker's who I'm very close to is traveling this week and so she wasn't here to comfort me like she normally is when this happens to me at work.

I was kinda freaking out inside not knowing what to do but I knew I couldn't stay at my desk because I was about to breakdown.

So anyway....I guess I'm done blogging for now.

I actually meant to write a blog about what it means to be strong while grieving but this blog took a different turn with my random crying moments...

So, hopefully I can get that blog post in sometime soon.

Stay tuned.

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

“When you died, it was the biggest shock of my life. Nothing prepared me for it. I live each day wondering how I will get through it, and then I remember that you would want me to.”
—  Cindy Adkins

Also, here is a link to my Spotify Playlist for Mom.