I did not realize this would be the last day I would ever see my Mom. The last day I would ever feel her embrace. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Since I moved back to Texas I always spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I claimed it as our holiday. As a family that didn't have a lot there wasn't a lot of pressure associated with Thanksgiving. We just ate food throughout the day. We counted our blessings that we could all be together as a family on this one day of the year. We watched rivalry college football and I convinced my little brother to cheer for Alabama when the Texas Longhorns weren't playing. But the last Thanksgiving we spent together my sister was in from Alabama and we decided I would go on my first Black Friday experience. So, we only spent a day and a half with my Mom.
I wish I had known then what I know now. But, that's not how life works. My Thanksgiving celebration now begins with the extended side of my Mom's family because it's the closest I can feel to her on this day with my sister, brother, Dad, grandma and step-dad in different states. It hurts my heart to not have her, especially at this time of year. The other times of the year I was always at school so everyone understood that I couldn't come for every holiday. But they knew I'd be there for Thanksgiving. I fought with so many employers in the past about giving me Thanksgiving off. I even fought with my birth father who kicked me out of the house for spending Thanksgiving with my Mom my first year back in Texas. I was very serious about being with her on this day.
So, now we approach Thanksgiving year 2 without my Mom in my life. It is very hard. It doesn't get easier...you just get stronger. I still break down. I still almost call her. My maternal grandma lives at the same home my Mom lived at so they shared the same phone number. When I call my grandma it still pops up as "Mom" on my phone and it is like a knife in my heart every single time. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be thankful for those that are still in my life. But damn, your Mom is such an important person. If you have a decent relationship with your Mom I believe you will experience the same amount of heartbreak from losing her. As far as people who don't have a good relationship with their Mom, they may not feel this way when they pass away. I can't say for sure though. I just know how I feel and how this has affected me.
It hurts. I'm partially dreading tomorrow and looking forward to it because I miss being around family so much.
But I wanted to compile a list of things I am thankful for:
- My siblings (all of y'all)
- My boyfriend (of 3 years 7 months)
- My cats
- My cousins who are more like siblings: Shiela, Frankie and Ashley
- My boyfriend's parents
- My job
- The friendship I formed with my coworker Lindsey over the past year
- The relationship I've built with my little sister Brittiany since she came to college
- My friend Britney and her Mom
- Girl Scout Thin Mint Coffee Creamer
Thinking of you this Thanksgiving Mom. <3
