What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you...

So, today marks the 1 year "anniversary" of Mom's passing.

Yesterday was the actual 1 year from the day that we pulled her off life support and waited for her to pass. We waited for her to leave her human body of suffering and go into the spirit realm and be welcomed by God and our other family members we have lost.

I know in my heart that she is in a better place. Far better than if we had kept her on machines for the rest of her life. I know she's where she should be given the situation. But I can't help but feel selfish. Graduation is 20 days away and I seriously do not want to graduate without her being here. I can't help but feel that way. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen without her. I'm scared of taking these next big steps in my life without her. I consult with my boyfriend's parents about career questions and post-graduation questions but I wish I could talk to her too. She would be beyond ecstatic seeing my graduation invitations and my stoles and helping me decide between chords or medallions (which I consulted with many family members about). 

I haven't dreamed about her in a long time. Sometimes I can hear her though. When I'm doing something I shouldn't especially like skipping class to sleep in, I can almost hear her say my first and middle name with that you-know-better tone.

I feel lost. It's been 1 year and I still feel very lost without her. One of my good friends who lost his Mom last year said it best "I can see myself, I can see where I'm supposed to be but I'm just a little too far. I'm out of reach." It truly feels that way and I am not sure that if you haven't lost someone close to you that makes up so much of your world, that you know what he's describing.

I have been hurting so long that I think I made myself be numb. I appear okay to most people. I cry probably once every other week now instead of every day. I do most of what I'm supposed to do. I'm still struggling with being social and would much rather crawl into bed and watch movies with my cats than to go out and be around people. I can't help it. It is seriously like the worst break up of all time. I literally feel like a piece of my heart broke a year ago. Sometimes when I remember everything that happened during those 17 days she was in the hospital I can feel it breaking all over again. I can feel the pain all over again and the rest of the time I just feel this hole inside of my heart. The heart feels. I'm already a very emotional person. I'm not good at concealing my feelings from people. I have to get whatever is bothering me off my chest at that very moment. So dealing with this and trying to hide how I feel is not an option. I will cry wherever I am. I remember last semester when I started crying silently in one of my classes.

I hurt inside. I hurt without her. I have needed advice from her SO many times this past year and it has killed me to not be able to talk to her. I miss her voice and I have horrible nightmares and thoughts that I may one day forget how she sounded. I have my sister and one of my cousins that I am really close with. My sister has a different perspective on death and loss and she's really good at dealing with her emotions so sometimes it can be hard to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I'm still feeling this way. My cousin just lost her Mom on April 4th, and it was devastating for so many of us so I don't feel like I can lean on her right now. Even though if she reads this post she will message me after and tell me I can talk to her about anything because she's the sweetest, most caring person ever.

So, it's Easter and I'm with my boyfriend's family. We hit our 3 year anniversary last week of being together and I am so truly grateful for his parents and everything they do. I wish my sister, Dad and paternal Grandma all lived here though so I could spend more holidays with them. Mom was my in-state family that I could visit and spend holidays with. Everyone has that part of their family that is their immediate family (whether by blood or choice). While I am very grateful for my boyfriend's parents, I wish my family was closer so we could have more holidays together. I think it would do me good to see them on a more regular basis. I haven't seen any of them since Mom's passing a year ago and I won't see them for another 20 days. Hopefully after I graduate I can see them more. 

So anyway, I am about to go celebrate Easter with my boyfriend's family. Here is a status my sister posted on Facebook today that I thought was beautiful and insightful.

"Today as I celebrate Easter with my family I do so with a heavy heart. On this day one year ago my family and I made the hardest decision we have probably ever made. Having to make the decision to take someone you love off life support is a difficult thing to do. However today is a day of remembrance...a day to remember that Jesus died for our sins and a day to know that the loved ones you lost are celebrating this wonderful day with the person we celebrate it for. How can we mourn for those people. We should be celebrating for them for they are in the presence of God and they are enjoying the true meaning of this holiday in person. So even though today marks 1 year of us being without my mom for her it marks 1 year that she's been in the presence of God and what a day to celebrate that!"

Rest In Peace Mom - You are surely not forgotten, always remembered and missed.We hope you're dancing in the sky, barbecuing with Uncle Freddy, Grandma Poppy and Winky and watching us all we we miss you dearly. <3