I'm everything I am because you loved me

I am missing mom terribly today.

I was at the campus at 6:30am because I had an exam at 8am and I was scared I was going to sleep through it.

I sat in the car listening to music and I don't know what happened but it hit me really hard that I was missing her.

I've also been having some crazy thoughts. 

There's someone "in" my life that is a really sorry excuse for a human being nevertheless a parent.

I can't stand him.

It makes me mad to think people like him are living when people like my Mom are gone.

It's just not fair to me.

I know everyone gives this whole "God only takes the best" thing...but that does not help me.

I really wish people had real comforting words.

Not cliche things.

I'm still waiting....

My boyfriend is about the only person that says the right thing.

As stated previously, 

I was interviewing for an internship.

Well, on Tuesday I got it.

It's probably one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a while.

I literally feel like I won a beauty pageant.

I know she'd be so proud and excited if I could tell her about it and hear her speak back to me.

I called my grandma (on her side) and told her about it.

Her reaction was over the top.

Everything I would have expected it to be from mom.

It was really awesome.

It was probably the closest thing I could have experienced that day to talking to Mom.

And these are the moments I knew would be hard.

My biggest achievements and successes.

Life changing moments.

This is just one step.

My future is arriving so quickly.

And she's not here to share it with me....

and I never imagined it'd be this way.

So I've been at work watching the slideshow my sister put online looking at her face and just missing her.

I miss her so bad.

It's really hard.

It's really hard to be this strong every day.

Then to mentally prepare myself to be focused and do all of my course work and attend my classes and everything.

That coupled with the unpredictable behavior of my stomach condition....

It's a lot to work through.

It's a lot to not lose it every day.

It's a lot to not give up.

But I wouldn't disgrace her memory like that.

She wants this for me.

To graduate.

To be successful.

I already have one foot in the door towards starting my career.

Everything seems to be flowing together.

Sometimes it seems like losing her was part of the plan God has for my life.

And I hate thinking that.

I don't want that to be part of the plan.

So...

that is all.

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave...that I made a difference and this world will see.

Yesterday marked 6 months since the day my mom passed away after we made the hard decision to take her off life support. 

I miss her so much but I can honestly say that I feel her with me from time to time, inspiring me and pushing me forward towards my goals. 

So much of what I do in my life is because at one point in my life she inspired me or she spoke words that I have remembered. 

The college I currently attend is because of her mentioning it and how much she loved this area and how beautiful it was.

She was so excited when I got accepted.

Because of her (& my daddy) I love classic rock more than any other genre of music and especially Motley Crue.
Because of her I have certain expectations of what my spouse should be
&
because of her I have certain standards on the kind of woman I should be. 

Because of her I know the value of an education and have seen first hand the struggle of a woman with no education.

I will never forget these any these things.

I feel much stronger than I was 6 months ago.

I honestly cannot believe this is where I am.

I miss her so much.

There is so much going on in my life that I want to share with her.

She was always the one that would be excited about me accomplishing these things on the path to accomplishing things.

I have been going through an interview process for an internship over the past week and I have made it to the 3rd and final round of the interview process.

I just know she'd be so excited about it.

I know she's watching me and is proud but I would give anything to hear those words from her.

I don't know where I would be without my support system.

My boyfriend, my sister, other family members and close friends who have taken the time to talk to me when I was feeling really sad or upset. All of you have helped me in some way and I am truly appreciative.

In Memory Of Regina L. Coulliette

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...

As my previous post stated,

I remember dates really well.

I can remember what I was doing on this day 6 months ago.

It was the day after Mom's initial coiling surgery, which failed because she had another aneurysm rupture as she was coming out of surgery.

That Thursday they said she probably wouldn't live past 48 hours.

I was in her room with her that Friday because it was her birthday.

I remember being in there playing her music from my phone.

She would sometimes open her eyes and attempt to look around.

She'd move her legs and arms.

They kept saying how good of a thing it was that she was doing those things because it meant she had better chances of making it.

I just knew she was going to make it.


(photo taken at the hospital of me holding Mom's hand)

I hate not having her here.

So many times I feel lost.

So many times I go to call her and then realize I can't talk to her.

With it being October I have been reflecting on last year.
Thanksgiving will be approaching soon and since I've moved back to Texas Thanksgiving has been OUR holiday.
Her, my grandma, my little brother, my uncle and me.
Now my brother is in another state with his Dad and Mom is gone...and I just don't know what to do with myself.
I don't have a lot of designated holidays in my life that I know where I'm going to be and who I'm going to be with.
It's one of the problems of your family being in so many locations.

Last year was a surprise Thanksgiving for her.
I had talked to my sister about coming to Texas from Alabama with my nephew and we kept it a secret from my Mom.
I started planning this in September of last year.
My mom spent nearly the entire month of October and November at her best friend's house and I so scared she wasn't going to be home for Thanksgiving that I kept telling her "You're going to miss out." if she wasn't home.
But she was home and I remember watching her from the porch as we pulled up and my sister getting out of the car with my nephew in her arms.
I watched Mom.
I could see her face.
The shock.
The excitement.
The happiness.
The love.
I was so happy.
I was so happy that we could bring her that happiness.
It was a great Thanksgiving.

I guess all in all I am very glad we were able to give her something like in her last few months.
I miss her so much.
I feel so sad thinking about this year's Thanksgiving.

So yeah...6 months ago today was my mom's birthday and she was in the hospital fighting for her life and I was right there beside her, cheering her on, trying to keep her with us.

"For every thing there is a season..."

I'm just sad today.

I really miss Mom.

I want to talk to her.

I try to call my Dad and he's so hard to get up with so we rarely talk on the phone.

I told him after mom passed away I was going to need him to be more available via the phone.

I understand his job has weird hours and stuff.

I just wish he'd answer when I called.

Tomorrow 10/3 - Will be 6 months from the last day I ever heard Mom's voice and 10/20 will be 6 months that she has been gone.

:(

I just don't even have words right now.

I've been really busy with school and classes and exams (all last week) that I haven't really felt or experienced much in regards to her lately.

Dates always bring those feelings.

I always remember significant dates.

If really significant I also remember times.

So those of you who read and saw my last two posts and think I'm all happy and chipper.

This is not the case.

My moods and feelings change day to day.

Today is not a good day.

I deal with a constant struggle of having to put on a happy face so I don't get a million "Are you okay?" 's

Because really I'm not okay and then I'm going to just be as blunt as possible and be like "No. My mom is dead. How do you think I am?"

Then people don't know what to say and I look like I'm being rude, but c'mon. 

It's the truth.

It's what I really want to say.

So,

no pretty pictures.

No lyrics.

No quotes.

Sorry.