I'm everything I am because you loved me

I am missing mom terribly today.

I was at the campus at 6:30am because I had an exam at 8am and I was scared I was going to sleep through it.

I sat in the car listening to music and I don't know what happened but it hit me really hard that I was missing her.

I've also been having some crazy thoughts. 

There's someone "in" my life that is a really sorry excuse for a human being nevertheless a parent.

I can't stand him.

It makes me mad to think people like him are living when people like my Mom are gone.

It's just not fair to me.

I know everyone gives this whole "God only takes the best" thing...but that does not help me.

I really wish people had real comforting words.

Not cliche things.

I'm still waiting....

My boyfriend is about the only person that says the right thing.

As stated previously, 

I was interviewing for an internship.

Well, on Tuesday I got it.

It's probably one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a while.

I literally feel like I won a beauty pageant.

I know she'd be so proud and excited if I could tell her about it and hear her speak back to me.

I called my grandma (on her side) and told her about it.

Her reaction was over the top.

Everything I would have expected it to be from mom.

It was really awesome.

It was probably the closest thing I could have experienced that day to talking to Mom.

And these are the moments I knew would be hard.

My biggest achievements and successes.

Life changing moments.

This is just one step.

My future is arriving so quickly.

And she's not here to share it with me....

and I never imagined it'd be this way.

So I've been at work watching the slideshow my sister put online looking at her face and just missing her.

I miss her so bad.

It's really hard.

It's really hard to be this strong every day.

Then to mentally prepare myself to be focused and do all of my course work and attend my classes and everything.

That coupled with the unpredictable behavior of my stomach condition....

It's a lot to work through.

It's a lot to not lose it every day.

It's a lot to not give up.

But I wouldn't disgrace her memory like that.

She wants this for me.

To graduate.

To be successful.

I already have one foot in the door towards starting my career.

Everything seems to be flowing together.

Sometimes it seems like losing her was part of the plan God has for my life.

And I hate thinking that.

I don't want that to be part of the plan.

So...

that is all.