2013: A Reflection

So everyone typically starts making new years resolutions at this point.

I've never really been one for those.

I always have the same typically resolutions:

1. lose weight

2. eat better

3. dedicate more time to school

4. do more good in the world

I don't even really care this year. 

I'm actually ready for 2013 to end.

It started off good. I was trying to lose weight and dropped about 15 lbs.

Only to have everything happen with Mom shortly after that.

April seemed like the longest month ever.

The rest of the year flew by.

I spent the entire month of May crying and grieving hard.

June was pretty much the same but I at least made it out of the house and I helped coach that little girl in a pageant which brought some happiness to my life.

July was hard because I was taking 3 classes in a summer session.

I remember taking exams with tears in my eyes just because I would cry randomly all the time but I couldn't risk failing my exams because of my emotions.

So I pushed through it.

I remember my boyfriend standing behind me, rubbing my shoulders, calming me down to get though the exam.

He's been so great.

So then August came and I passed all of my classes, earning my first 3.5 at my college.

Completing my first semester of school without my Mom.

Couldn't tell her of my success.

August was the start of a hard semester, taking 21 hours of classes.
Somehow though, I passed everything.
It wasn't without a lot of hard work and a lot of tears.
It wasn't without wanting to give up and quit.
It wasn't without me feeling like nothing mattered anymore because Mom wasn't here.
But I did it.
I have a will to push on.
I promised Mom I'd graduate and that is the last promise I ever made her before she died and I'm going to do it.

A lot of great things happened to me.
I went to the career fair in October to look for an internship and not only was picked among many applicants, I have a paid internship and will have a job after I graduate.
I thought my financial situation would keep me from finishing my last year of school but amazing things have happened there as well.
God has certainly been blessing me in many ways.
It just sucks the hard loss I had to take last year.

I anticipate April to be a hard month for me as it is the month of mom's birthday and death day.
Nearly every day in April I can remember being with her at the hospital in Austin up to the day of her death.
It's also the last month before graduation...with dead week being the last week of the month.
But I'll make it through it.
I know I will.
:)

Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3

Thanksgiving 2013

My first big holiday without Mom and specifically our holiday we always shared together.

I stayed the night with one of my close cousins the night before Thanksgiving. 

Me, my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and one of their friends all played drinking games and hungout. 

It was fun.

The next morning we were going to spend Thanksgiving with some extended family on my Mom's side.

I had a cute little outfit picked out and I was getting ready I thought about Mom.

She used to wear these high socks and scrunch them down.

She also had a lot of cute flat boots.

She would get all festive for her job where she waited tables when I was younger.

So she'd wear a festive Christmas sweater and some big wreath earrings and stuff.

With each article of clothing I put on I felt like I was probably looking very much like her.

Headband with a bow.

Giant sparkly earrings.

Sequin sweater.

Leggings.

Black flat boots.

As I was in the bathroom fixing my hair I felt this lightness around me.

It was a random change I felt in the air around me.

It was weird.

I was thinking "You're dressing like your Mom you weirdo."
and then I had this thought "You're the new Gina."
and then this feeling came over me "and that's okay."
It was like that thought came from somewhere else.
Like Mom was whispering to me telling me it was okay.
That people look at me and see her and it comforts them. 

I could just be weird and overly hopeful....

My mind could be playing tricks on me with me being so sad knowing she wasn't going to be around this Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure.

I just know what I felt.

After that we went to my boyfriend's parents and we all saw a movie together.
On the drive over there my thoughts took a turn for the worst and I had to force myself to feel numb and keep everything inside so I wouldn't ruin everyone else's day with my emotions.

My boyfriend knew what I was feeling and he tried really hard to be comforting.

There wasn't really anything that could be done.

Just get through the day.

I did.

It wasn't a bad Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't anything like I wanted it to be.

It didn't feel right.

Even if I couldn't be with Mom I was with no one in my immediate family.

My sister is in Alabama.

My brother is in Wyoming.

My Dad and Grandma are in Florida.

My other Grandma hurt her back and couldn't drive to our family's where the dinner was at.

So I was just there watching all of these other people with their kids and their mom's and their grandma's and their grandpa's...and it sucked.

A lot of times I feel like Mom was my connection to everything and everyone and that without her I'm not connected anymore...

Just sucks.

That's all.

I figured some of my readers may be looking to see how I felt on Thanksgiving so I better do an update.

Anyway,

This week starts dead week and then finals week and then I start my internship.

So I am going to be pretty busy and don't know if y'all will see an update from me.

That's all.

Another Perspective

My mom has 3 children. 

Me - the oldest, I'm 26 now. 

My sister, who is the middle child, she is 25 now and our little brother who is now 14. 

Since my Mom's passing my brother has moved to another state to live with his Dad. 

My sister is married and lives in another state as well and I live in Texas. 

So we're all a part. I kind of hate it, especially now.

My sister posted this status on her Facebook yesterday and I wanted to share it. I think it's sufficient to know how she feels in dealing with this. She always has a way of seeing a positive lesson from this experience when I can't put my own grief aside to see the value of these things. So, I wanted to share it. Some things have been changed/omitted for privacy reasons.

"On this day exactly one year ago, my sister and I were headed to --------, TX to surprise my mom for Thanksgiving. Today I'm having so many images of the smile that was on her face and the tears running down her cheeks as she saw her grandson and I get out of the car. A lot of memories from that day are flooding into my head as well as a lot of regrets. As a person who captures peoples memories on a daily basis it amazes me how few of my own I actually document. I regret not getting pictures of my mom and I, and my mom and her grandson. I regret that we chose to leave early Thanksgiving to go Black Friday shopping. If I knew then what I know now I never would have left, I'd give everything back that I bought just for those last few hours with her. 

I hope everyone realizes that the reason for Thanksgiving is not for the great deals the next morning or for the big football games that weekend. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what you have no matter how much or how little. We take so much for granted and don't realize that our time is short. And spending those last few hours with someone we love is so much more valuable than running out to find that great deal or leaving because you don't wanna miss the big game. 

No matter how sad of a day today may be one thing that I am thankful for is the fact that this day opens my eyes. It makes me realize what I have and that there is no guaranteeing I'll have it tomorrow. Something this day is teaching me is to live each moment like it's my last and that being with the people who I love and who love me back is so much more important than anything else. And because of this I will not be going Black Friday shopping this year. I will be spending the day with my family and making memories. In case next year I can no longer make them!"

These are the only pictures I have from Thanksgiving last year.

My boyfriend, me, my little brother, my sister and my nephew last Thanksgiving at our Mom's

Mom teaching her only grandchild to use her motorized wheelchair like a race car. :)

(and my sister giving me a funny look)

As we go on we remember all the times we had together

I have never been more proud of myself than I am now.

Tomorrow I will register for my last semester of college.

It feels like I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long and at the same time I'm kinda nervous and scared.

You spend so much time of your life in school (and I spent more time than most people) that it becomes kinda hard to think about a life without being in a classroom all the time or without assignments and projects and due dates.

I've been through a lot of things that would deter most people from pursuing their dreams.

In fact, I've even had to change my dream.

I just think about how proud mom must be of me.

For leaving Alabama and coming back to Texas; pretty much starting life over and on my own without much help.

The help I was convinced I had was entirely false and I thrown into a situation I wasn't prepared for.

I knew no one to help me where I lived in Texas.

I remember driving myself to the emergency room in excruciating pain thinking how ridiculous it was.

I got my own place. (that I sometimes miss)

I worked 40 hours a week and went to classes at the community college.

I just did what I had to.

I finally got in at a university (one that Mom wanted me to go to in Texas) after all of the issues with my credits from Alabama.

I gave up on nursing (reluctantly) and changed my major to something my mom really wanted me to do because she thought I'd be good at it.

and I cannot believe she won't be here for my graduation...

That hurts a lot.

I can't even explain the level of hurt that I feel thinking about that.

This week has just started and next week is Thanksgiving.

Just the word "Thanksgiving" makes me upset.

This was supposed to be the Thanksgiving where we say how thankful we are that Jessica is finally going to graduate college.

Where we celebrate the first female in our family to obtain a bachelors degree.

Where we make jokes at me for taking 8 years to get a bachelors degree.

Where we say how thankful we are that I survived a car wreck and still pursued my education despite my constant medical problems.

Where we are grateful that I have someone like my boyfriend in my life to help me when I'm feeling down.

Where I start thinking I would be able to help Mom & my little brother more financially and start having better holidays because I would have a career soon.

Now there's none of that.

While I am thankful for graduation coming up, and my boyfriend...

I am not thankful that Mom is gone.

I do not know how to even be thankful for this year.

Good things have happened in spite of losing Mom.

I have gotten much closer with certain members of my family.

I have discovered who is truly there for me and who is not.

My boyfriend's family and my Dad's side of the family have been working hard to make sure I am able to finish my last year of college.

This year has been a huge test of my strength and determination as a person.

It has been very hard.

This semester has been hard.

The summer was hard.

This holiday season is going to be hard.

and I just don't feel very thankful.

and I can't help that.

because honestly, I'd give up everything, all of those things, to have 1 conversation with Mom.

To take 1 more picture with her smiling.

I told my boyfriend today I didn't even want to do Thanksgiving anymore and that I just wanted to work somewhere to take my mind off of the holiday entirely.

I'm so scared that when visiting my family and his family that I'm just going to be crying the entire time.

Thanksgiving was mine and my mom's holiday.

I'll be gone in November...

Today (Mon. 11/4/13) is a sad day.

I think with the time change.

The nights getting darker earlier and everything it is impacting my mood/state of mind.

So, I just really miss Mom today.

I feel so sad.

I cried...a lot.

To the point that I gave myself a headache and can't focus on the work I had to do tonight.

I was feeling sad after I got off work and called like 3 people in my family hoping to talk to someone that would make me feel better but no one answered.

I hate that.

It feels like every time I really need someone to talk to there is no one.

I try not to put my emotions entirely on my boyfriend to deal with and I know he doesn't see it as as "deal with" issue but I still try to be considerate because I know he has a lot of stuff to do too.

Mom was always there to talk to.

I miss her voice.
I tried to remember how it sounded when she said my voice but I couldn't.

Every time I tried to recall all I could hear was my own voice.

and that's when I broke down.

Then I was crying so bad that I didn't even want to talk to anyone on the phone.

I didn't even want my boyfriend to see me crying so I came into the bedroom and shoved my face in a pillow but eventually he came in and saw I was upset.

And of course he was there for me like he always is.

and I'm grateful for that.

I feel so many things.

Like I feel like I have a lot of good things going for me and I don't have to worry about certain things right now that I was scared I'd be dealing with.

I'm moving closer and closer to college graduation.

I just wish Mom was here to share it with.

To tell it to.

To hear her excitement.

It just doesn't feel right without her here...

I get so upset thinking about how unfair it is that she's gone.

That is the thought that runs through my mind the most.

Mom's are so important.
I feel so bad for those that don't have a good relationship with their Mom.

It's not fair to lose your mom so early...

I feel like I still need her for so much.

I seriously don't know how I get through the days.

Bonnie is always watching over her friends in The Vampire Diaries.

I like to think that Mom is right beside me watching everything I do and supporting me through it.

But it doesn't change the fact that I miss that realness.

My boyfriend's parents asked us about Thanksgiving yesterday.

It was a reminder that it will be my first one without Mom in the past 4 years.


_______________________________________________________________

This is a two part post because I wrote the first half on Monday and then I'm writing a new half today(Thurs. 11/6/13).

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts of regret these days.
I feel like this should be mentioned because I don't really talk about it a lot and I think other people who have lost someone probably feel or have felt the same thing.



The last time I saw Mom before her going into the hospital on April 3rd was Thanksgiving.
I mentioned previously that my sister who lives in Alabama and I planned a secret Thanksgiving surprise for Mom and our family.
So anyway, we left Thanksgiving day to go stay with my boyfriend's parents because we were all going Black Friday shopping.
It was my first time doing this and my sister does it yearly so it was nice for her to kinda introduce me to doing it.

So, as it's November I keep thinking about how Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving and how I will not be going to her house this year and seeing all of the cats and her and grandma and my uncle and my brother.
In fact the only person out of those mentioned that I will get to see is my grandma.
It's kinda like I lost more than 1 person.
Anyway,
So I keep thinking about how we shouldn't have left on Thanksgiving and how we should have stayed another day and spent more time with her.
I hate it.
I hate regret so much.
It's the past and there is nothing I can do to change it
But my mind doesn't care...It's mean.



I also think about how I didn't visit her for Christmas.
But I never have visited her for Christmas I don't think.
Maybe in 2009 but I can't really remember.
I usually work on Christmas because I have needed the money.
I always negotiated at work that I HAD to have Thanksgiving off because it was the one holiday I had with my Mom and I would agree to work Christmas to ensure that.

So...I just feel bad.
I feel like I could have had more time.
I was planning on visiting her after finals last May as a late mother's day kinda thing.
But she never made it to Mother's Day....
and we never knew it would be our last holiday with her.

Ugh, just breaks my heart.

I'm everything I am because you loved me

I am missing mom terribly today.

I was at the campus at 6:30am because I had an exam at 8am and I was scared I was going to sleep through it.

I sat in the car listening to music and I don't know what happened but it hit me really hard that I was missing her.

I've also been having some crazy thoughts. 

There's someone "in" my life that is a really sorry excuse for a human being nevertheless a parent.

I can't stand him.

It makes me mad to think people like him are living when people like my Mom are gone.

It's just not fair to me.

I know everyone gives this whole "God only takes the best" thing...but that does not help me.

I really wish people had real comforting words.

Not cliche things.

I'm still waiting....

My boyfriend is about the only person that says the right thing.

As stated previously, 

I was interviewing for an internship.

Well, on Tuesday I got it.

It's probably one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a while.

I literally feel like I won a beauty pageant.

I know she'd be so proud and excited if I could tell her about it and hear her speak back to me.

I called my grandma (on her side) and told her about it.

Her reaction was over the top.

Everything I would have expected it to be from mom.

It was really awesome.

It was probably the closest thing I could have experienced that day to talking to Mom.

And these are the moments I knew would be hard.

My biggest achievements and successes.

Life changing moments.

This is just one step.

My future is arriving so quickly.

And she's not here to share it with me....

and I never imagined it'd be this way.

So I've been at work watching the slideshow my sister put online looking at her face and just missing her.

I miss her so bad.

It's really hard.

It's really hard to be this strong every day.

Then to mentally prepare myself to be focused and do all of my course work and attend my classes and everything.

That coupled with the unpredictable behavior of my stomach condition....

It's a lot to work through.

It's a lot to not lose it every day.

It's a lot to not give up.

But I wouldn't disgrace her memory like that.

She wants this for me.

To graduate.

To be successful.

I already have one foot in the door towards starting my career.

Everything seems to be flowing together.

Sometimes it seems like losing her was part of the plan God has for my life.

And I hate thinking that.

I don't want that to be part of the plan.

So...

that is all.

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave...that I made a difference and this world will see.

Yesterday marked 6 months since the day my mom passed away after we made the hard decision to take her off life support. 

I miss her so much but I can honestly say that I feel her with me from time to time, inspiring me and pushing me forward towards my goals. 

So much of what I do in my life is because at one point in my life she inspired me or she spoke words that I have remembered. 

The college I currently attend is because of her mentioning it and how much she loved this area and how beautiful it was.

She was so excited when I got accepted.

Because of her (& my daddy) I love classic rock more than any other genre of music and especially Motley Crue.
Because of her I have certain expectations of what my spouse should be
&
because of her I have certain standards on the kind of woman I should be. 

Because of her I know the value of an education and have seen first hand the struggle of a woman with no education.

I will never forget these any these things.

I feel much stronger than I was 6 months ago.

I honestly cannot believe this is where I am.

I miss her so much.

There is so much going on in my life that I want to share with her.

She was always the one that would be excited about me accomplishing these things on the path to accomplishing things.

I have been going through an interview process for an internship over the past week and I have made it to the 3rd and final round of the interview process.

I just know she'd be so excited about it.

I know she's watching me and is proud but I would give anything to hear those words from her.

I don't know where I would be without my support system.

My boyfriend, my sister, other family members and close friends who have taken the time to talk to me when I was feeling really sad or upset. All of you have helped me in some way and I am truly appreciative.

In Memory Of Regina L. Coulliette

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...

As my previous post stated,

I remember dates really well.

I can remember what I was doing on this day 6 months ago.

It was the day after Mom's initial coiling surgery, which failed because she had another aneurysm rupture as she was coming out of surgery.

That Thursday they said she probably wouldn't live past 48 hours.

I was in her room with her that Friday because it was her birthday.

I remember being in there playing her music from my phone.

She would sometimes open her eyes and attempt to look around.

She'd move her legs and arms.

They kept saying how good of a thing it was that she was doing those things because it meant she had better chances of making it.

I just knew she was going to make it.


(photo taken at the hospital of me holding Mom's hand)

I hate not having her here.

So many times I feel lost.

So many times I go to call her and then realize I can't talk to her.

With it being October I have been reflecting on last year.
Thanksgiving will be approaching soon and since I've moved back to Texas Thanksgiving has been OUR holiday.
Her, my grandma, my little brother, my uncle and me.
Now my brother is in another state with his Dad and Mom is gone...and I just don't know what to do with myself.
I don't have a lot of designated holidays in my life that I know where I'm going to be and who I'm going to be with.
It's one of the problems of your family being in so many locations.

Last year was a surprise Thanksgiving for her.
I had talked to my sister about coming to Texas from Alabama with my nephew and we kept it a secret from my Mom.
I started planning this in September of last year.
My mom spent nearly the entire month of October and November at her best friend's house and I so scared she wasn't going to be home for Thanksgiving that I kept telling her "You're going to miss out." if she wasn't home.
But she was home and I remember watching her from the porch as we pulled up and my sister getting out of the car with my nephew in her arms.
I watched Mom.
I could see her face.
The shock.
The excitement.
The happiness.
The love.
I was so happy.
I was so happy that we could bring her that happiness.
It was a great Thanksgiving.

I guess all in all I am very glad we were able to give her something like in her last few months.
I miss her so much.
I feel so sad thinking about this year's Thanksgiving.

So yeah...6 months ago today was my mom's birthday and she was in the hospital fighting for her life and I was right there beside her, cheering her on, trying to keep her with us.

"For every thing there is a season..."

I'm just sad today.

I really miss Mom.

I want to talk to her.

I try to call my Dad and he's so hard to get up with so we rarely talk on the phone.

I told him after mom passed away I was going to need him to be more available via the phone.

I understand his job has weird hours and stuff.

I just wish he'd answer when I called.

Tomorrow 10/3 - Will be 6 months from the last day I ever heard Mom's voice and 10/20 will be 6 months that she has been gone.

:(

I just don't even have words right now.

I've been really busy with school and classes and exams (all last week) that I haven't really felt or experienced much in regards to her lately.

Dates always bring those feelings.

I always remember significant dates.

If really significant I also remember times.

So those of you who read and saw my last two posts and think I'm all happy and chipper.

This is not the case.

My moods and feelings change day to day.

Today is not a good day.

I deal with a constant struggle of having to put on a happy face so I don't get a million "Are you okay?" 's

Because really I'm not okay and then I'm going to just be as blunt as possible and be like "No. My mom is dead. How do you think I am?"

Then people don't know what to say and I look like I'm being rude, but c'mon. 

It's the truth.

It's what I really want to say.

So,

no pretty pictures.

No lyrics.

No quotes.

Sorry.

Dreaming Of You

So a lot of people tell me that Mom will come and visit me in my dreams.

Since she passed away I have only dreamed of her once.

It was in June (I think) and I was visiting her and Grandma's house and when I came into the livingroom she was sitting there, smiling, writing with her colored gel pens, cross-legged on the couch.

She looked happy and healthy and how I remember her growing up before she became disabled.

It was comforting.

Today I decided to sleep in because for once I am actually not severely behind in my schoolwork.

So the cats and I all curled up together after I took my boyfriend to work at 10am and slept until 4pm.

Before I woke up I had been dreaming.

I dreamed that I was at one of my cousin's house for a family BBQ.

I was walking around talking to some of the people that were there and suddenly Mom turned around.

She was STANDING there.

She just looked at me and smiled and opened her arms and I ran into them and we held each other so tightly.

It was so real.

I woke up crying.

It was a very short dream.

But it made me so happy.

I found some comfort in it.

So I am happy to say that I believe Mom visited me in my dream this afternoon.

I have been trying to make real progress moving forward and focusing on my future.

I've been turning off the CD I burned of songs from her funeral.

I've been deleting the songs from her funeral out of my phone.

I've been trying to remove all sad stimuli.

I think she was saying to me that it's okay that I do this and for me to not feel guilty about it.

Because I do a little bit.

But not enough to stop.

I know I'm doing what is best for me and what she would want for me.

So, that is all.

:)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

So recently I have been thinking a lot about myself and where I am in life and how I feel.

I was talking to my boyfriend the other night about how I feel.

I explained to him that I feel like I've lost control of my life since Mom passed away.

That I am no longer in control of my emotions or anything around me and I thought that was ridiculous.

I like to be in control of things.

Especially myself.

The only thing I am not really in control of when it comes to myself that I can accept is my stomach condition.

So I decided that night (4 nights ago) that I was no longer going to let things control me.

I will allow myself 1 day a week to cry and breakdown and grieve Mom.

{I} am allowing this to happen.

Because I am in control.

I will not cry unless I permit it.

I will not complain that my emotions are making things hard for me.

I will not complain that losing Mom has made things harder for me.

I run this.

This is my life.

and I am taking the reins back.

and I have to say...

The past 4 days have been great.

I am so much happier.

I am grinding and knocking out school work.

I am working ahead and finishing things before their scheduled due dates.

I am almost caught up with one class I am about 2 weeks behind in.

I met with my advisor to make sure that I can graduate and it's looking highly probable.

So, I filed for graduation yesterday.

I also feel less stressed.

I have 3 exams next week and I'm not even that nervous.

I know I will be prepared.

Because I run this and I will make sure I'm prepared.

I didn't come this far to fail now.

I have younger siblings looking at me and I don't want them to think I can't get through this.

I can.

Just had to tweak my mindset a little bit.

So I am excited.

I am hopeful.

I am driven.

I promised Mom I'd graduate in May and I will.

The last serious promise I ever made her.

I will honor it.

So I hope you enjoyed reading this post.

Also, today is 5 months since Mom passed away.

But I'm not sad.

I miss her terribly.

(How ironic that right now I'm listening to music on my phone and "Go Rest High On That Mountain" just started playing)

But I feel like I'm moving on with my life and she'd want that for me.

She is going to be so proud when I get not just one but two degrees in May.

That is all. <3

Love you all for reading and keep the faith. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you.

Monday was my first birthday without Mom.

I had a dinner planned at 7pm.

It was my boyfriend, me and 8 of my friends and classmates.

My best friend from Houston who I hadn't seen since February at the Houston Rodeo surprised me. 

I had no idea she was even coming.

She came over to my apartment after the dinner and everyone watched the Texan's game.

Except me...because I came home and did a school assignment for one of my classes that I thought would take me 30 minutes but actually took me 2 hours.

So I didn't get to hangout much.

All week I have been sad.

I've been trying to hide it.

The boyfriend had his first physics test of the semester and I know he was worried about it.

I then have to push back my emotions because I have school stuff to do and I have to go to work.

I kept feeling everything inside of me build up.

The stress of my classes.

The stress of finding time to study for all of my classes.

The stress of missing class because I'm so sad about my first birthday without my mom.

There' just so much I feel and it consumes me and I can't turn it off.

I don't know what to do.

All of my feelings are getting channeled into anger.

My boyfriend thinks I am not happy.

I told him I'm not.

Just in general I do not feel happy on a day-to-day basis.

How can I?

I mean I know I have happy moments...and there are things to be thankful for.

But the majority of things feel bad or stressful or overwhelming.

Sometimes I doubt that I was ready for the semester.

I just don't know what to do.

I think I must be terribly displeasing to be around.

But I can't help how I feel.

I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days.

Last week I missed a significant amount of classes as well as my counseling session.

I also screwed up my sleep schedule.

You'd think I could make it to a noon class right?

I've been playing catch up over the weekend. 

But I have an exam every Sunday for my online Social Problems class. 

Last week I got a 43/50 on the multiple choice section and a 50/50 on the essay.

Tonight I got a 50/50 on the multiple choice and hopefully I will maintain the same on the essay portion.

The rest of my classes I'm getting through. 

No real exams or anything to report of yet.

I cried hard on Friday night around like 12am. 

I just erupted.

When this happens I feel like I'm a boiling pot and the lid is teetering back and forth about to blow off.

Then I cry for hours and it feels like the heat was turned down.

But eventually it all builds back up again.

There is never a point when the pot is taken off the stove.

Tomorrow is my little brother's 14th birthday.

It will also be his first birthday without Mom.

I feel so terrible for him.
He's so much younger and he's shown no real signs of grieving.

I don't know if the age difference is why...or what.

I have been in contact with his family he spends time with so I can make sure he is okay.

I still worry about him though.

So I guess that is all.

The summary of this would be:

I'm still grieving.

I'm stressed.

I don't know how to not be stressed.

I'm worried about my brother.

It's been a while

Classes started back on August 26th.

The first week was really hard for me but I put up a good front I think.

Starting my senior year of college without being able to talk to my Mom just sucks.

She would have been so happy and so excited to finally be talking about graduation.

Cap and gown, stoles, cords, graduation party, invitations, graduation dress, shoes, pictures...the works.

But I don't have her to talk to about it.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't go on without her.

Like my life should stop because she's no longer in it.

I know this is illogical but it is how I feel.

This semester is far from easy.

But my major is also far from easy.

Good money doesn't come without hard work, right?

Tuesday I had my first counseling session of the semester.

We talked about Mom a lot.

I also started my new job as an office assistant at the university that day.

After I got off work, I was in the car and a CD that I burned with some songs from Mom's funeral was playing.

The song I dedicated to her "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls was played and I just lost it when I got home.

I sat in the car trying to collect myself so that my boyfriend and my other roommate wouldn't notice I had been crying but I had to come straight to the bedroom and cry for about another 2 hours.

After that I was emotionally exhausted.

I missed class Tuesday because I had to take Ryan to do something and then Thursday was supposed to be my long class day but I was really sick. I was so nauseous and felt like I was going to throw up.

It wasn't my typical sickness from my stomach condition.

It was something different.

I forced myself to go to work, not wanting to call in my first week but they sent me home after seeing me.

I was supposed to attend the campus involvement fair as an officer for an organization I'm in but didn't because of being sick.

I feel like I missed out on everything that day and it sucked.

Every year I make a big deal about my birthday.

Seriously, it's in September and I normally start planning it in July.

Because it's my birthday and I think I'm awesome.

This year I have been dreading my birthday.

Each day closer is another day that I have to accept celebrating my 1st birthday without my mom and her "labor of love" story.

I'm going to miss it so much.

Little things like that...

I used to actually find her same ol' speech every year annoying.

Now I won't get it and it makes me so sad.

I also feel bad for my little brother and sister as this will also be their first birthdays without mom.

I cannot think of her without crying.

When I talk about her to someone I have to look away because my eyes start tearing up and I don't want them to see me crying.

During counseling I have to do the same thing.

When I talk to someone on Facebook messenger about her I start crying.

My grandma was telling me about the day they brought me into the room after I was born and her reaction and I started crying.

Every memory of her makes me cry.

Good or bad.

Everyone says, "Remember the good times" or "She wouldn't want to being sad."

Yeah well, I am remember them and I'm sad and I wouldn't be sad if she was here.

So that's that.

I feel overwhelmed with school.

Missing several days and it's only been 2 weeks.

The online classes are very hard to keep up with.

Time management is not something I have ever excelled at and it's definitely being tested right now.

I've attempted to call Mom several times this week out of habit.

I always would call her after classes or between classes and tell her about things.

Tonight I ran for secretary of the computer science club and lost.

I wanted to call and tell her because it's the 1st officer election I've ever lost.

But I couldn't talk to her.

I secretly think that perhaps Mom is in Heaven and saw that I was going to run and impacted the voting because she knew I had too much on my plate right now with taking 17 hours, being an officer for 2 organization, being a member of 2 other organizations and working part time.

So anyway,

my birthday is Monday and I have a small dinner planned with some friends I go to college with.

That's it.

This senior stuff is no joke and I am beyond busy.

This entire weekend is dedicated to catching up on everything that I missed/didn't do because I was sick.

But I am anticipating a few cry sessions with my birthday approaching.

So that's all for this update.

You probably won't see one again for a while because of how busy I am with school.

Thanks for reading though.

Broken

I feel like I've lost myself.

I feel like something is not the same.

And rightfully so, right?

The person who brought me into the world is gone.

I feel it inside of me.

That something is wrong.

Something is missing.

Something is not right.

Everyday I struggle with my emotions.

Trying to keep them at bay.

Trying to occupy myself.

I call so many people trying to talk.

I swear today every person I called did not answer.

I called some people twice.

I reached out to people via text.

My boyfriend worked a double.

I'm just here with my mind.

It consumes me too.

Some days I don't even realize how fast the hours go by.

Suddenly it's gone from noon to night and I haven't eaten or anything.

Just looked at pictures that remind me of her.

Listen to songs that remind me of her.

Recall memories.

I feel like I am just floating by in some catatonic state.

My boyfriend constantly asks "What's wrong?" and my response is always the same "The obvious."

He is very concerned, I know.

I constantly wonder if this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life.

I don't know how anyone can be happy around me.

I'm like a dementor sucking the happiness from the room.

Sadly he is the only thing keeping my sane right now.

I look forward to him being home so much because it offers me a distraction.

My minds default setting if I'm not thinking about anything is to revert to anything and everything to do with Mom.

I go through this loss of motivation feeling constantly.

I experienced it before when I was dealing with my depression but now...it's worse.

Sometimes I find it shocking that I get anything done at all.

(I'd never kill myself so do not take this as a sign of being suicidal - just massive sadness)

Well anyway, just random feelings and too much time on my hands.

I guess I'll end this for the night.

My Immortal (Original - rare) 1998

Perception

So I've been thinking a lot about how I remember Mom.

I told my boyfriend the other night I remember her mostly as her 20s/30s self.

I remember her when I was a little kid and her wearing these cropped jackets, matching bustiers, high waisted mini-skirts and stiletto heels. (oh the 80s)

She was HOT.

Seriously.

I looked forward to growing up because I shared her genes and hoped I'd be just as stunning.

She'd wear these outfits to Motley Crue concerts. (from what I remember)

She also had the cutest clothes and I LOVED playing dress up in them.

I would put them on and pretend to be a runway model.

I wish we had more pictures of her like that.

But this isn't how she actually looked over the past few years.

Her health was deteriorating.

She was showing early signs of aging considering her age.

I know this.

Her hands were contracted.

She was in a wheelchair.

Her legs were atrophied.

I visited her.

I saw her this way.

But still this is not what my memory of her is.

So I think maybe it's because:

1. Out of my 25 years with her she had only had her condition for about 7-8 years. Leaving a remaining 17 years of her being and for the most part healthy until her condition began to happen.
2. I have fonder memories of her being that way.
3. The worst part of her condition took over when she kicked me out at 17 and so I wasn't there witnessing it day by day. Then she moved back to Texas after my sister and I graduated high school and again we didn't see her day by day. It's almost as if she just went from being fine to wheelchair bound overnight, the way my memory recalls it. (I know that is not the case)

So, I don't know if I am just choosing to remember her at her most beautiful and vibrant or what.

It's just a matter of perception I guess.

I imagine the way I remember her is not the same way my 13 year old brother will remember her. 

This is how I remember her.

(This picture was taken when I was 15)

This is how she was before she passed away.

(This picture was taken Dec. 2012)

So today is a special day, I think I'll be writing two posts.
But don't hold me to that.