It's been a while

Classes started back on August 26th.

The first week was really hard for me but I put up a good front I think.

Starting my senior year of college without being able to talk to my Mom just sucks.

She would have been so happy and so excited to finally be talking about graduation.

Cap and gown, stoles, cords, graduation party, invitations, graduation dress, shoes, pictures...the works.

But I don't have her to talk to about it.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't go on without her.

Like my life should stop because she's no longer in it.

I know this is illogical but it is how I feel.

This semester is far from easy.

But my major is also far from easy.

Good money doesn't come without hard work, right?

Tuesday I had my first counseling session of the semester.

We talked about Mom a lot.

I also started my new job as an office assistant at the university that day.

After I got off work, I was in the car and a CD that I burned with some songs from Mom's funeral was playing.

The song I dedicated to her "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls was played and I just lost it when I got home.

I sat in the car trying to collect myself so that my boyfriend and my other roommate wouldn't notice I had been crying but I had to come straight to the bedroom and cry for about another 2 hours.

After that I was emotionally exhausted.

I missed class Tuesday because I had to take Ryan to do something and then Thursday was supposed to be my long class day but I was really sick. I was so nauseous and felt like I was going to throw up.

It wasn't my typical sickness from my stomach condition.

It was something different.

I forced myself to go to work, not wanting to call in my first week but they sent me home after seeing me.

I was supposed to attend the campus involvement fair as an officer for an organization I'm in but didn't because of being sick.

I feel like I missed out on everything that day and it sucked.

Every year I make a big deal about my birthday.

Seriously, it's in September and I normally start planning it in July.

Because it's my birthday and I think I'm awesome.

This year I have been dreading my birthday.

Each day closer is another day that I have to accept celebrating my 1st birthday without my mom and her "labor of love" story.

I'm going to miss it so much.

Little things like that...

I used to actually find her same ol' speech every year annoying.

Now I won't get it and it makes me so sad.

I also feel bad for my little brother and sister as this will also be their first birthdays without mom.

I cannot think of her without crying.

When I talk about her to someone I have to look away because my eyes start tearing up and I don't want them to see me crying.

During counseling I have to do the same thing.

When I talk to someone on Facebook messenger about her I start crying.

My grandma was telling me about the day they brought me into the room after I was born and her reaction and I started crying.

Every memory of her makes me cry.

Good or bad.

Everyone says, "Remember the good times" or "She wouldn't want to being sad."

Yeah well, I am remember them and I'm sad and I wouldn't be sad if she was here.

So that's that.

I feel overwhelmed with school.

Missing several days and it's only been 2 weeks.

The online classes are very hard to keep up with.

Time management is not something I have ever excelled at and it's definitely being tested right now.

I've attempted to call Mom several times this week out of habit.

I always would call her after classes or between classes and tell her about things.

Tonight I ran for secretary of the computer science club and lost.

I wanted to call and tell her because it's the 1st officer election I've ever lost.

But I couldn't talk to her.

I secretly think that perhaps Mom is in Heaven and saw that I was going to run and impacted the voting because she knew I had too much on my plate right now with taking 17 hours, being an officer for 2 organization, being a member of 2 other organizations and working part time.

So anyway,

my birthday is Monday and I have a small dinner planned with some friends I go to college with.

That's it.

This senior stuff is no joke and I am beyond busy.

This entire weekend is dedicated to catching up on everything that I missed/didn't do because I was sick.

But I am anticipating a few cry sessions with my birthday approaching.

So that's all for this update.

You probably won't see one again for a while because of how busy I am with school.

Thanks for reading though.