Broken

I feel like I've lost myself.

I feel like something is not the same.

And rightfully so, right?

The person who brought me into the world is gone.

I feel it inside of me.

That something is wrong.

Something is missing.

Something is not right.

Everyday I struggle with my emotions.

Trying to keep them at bay.

Trying to occupy myself.

I call so many people trying to talk.

I swear today every person I called did not answer.

I called some people twice.

I reached out to people via text.

My boyfriend worked a double.

I'm just here with my mind.

It consumes me too.

Some days I don't even realize how fast the hours go by.

Suddenly it's gone from noon to night and I haven't eaten or anything.

Just looked at pictures that remind me of her.

Listen to songs that remind me of her.

Recall memories.

I feel like I am just floating by in some catatonic state.

My boyfriend constantly asks "What's wrong?" and my response is always the same "The obvious."

He is very concerned, I know.

I constantly wonder if this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life.

I don't know how anyone can be happy around me.

I'm like a dementor sucking the happiness from the room.

Sadly he is the only thing keeping my sane right now.

I look forward to him being home so much because it offers me a distraction.

My minds default setting if I'm not thinking about anything is to revert to anything and everything to do with Mom.

I go through this loss of motivation feeling constantly.

I experienced it before when I was dealing with my depression but now...it's worse.

Sometimes I find it shocking that I get anything done at all.

(I'd never kill myself so do not take this as a sign of being suicidal - just massive sadness)

Well anyway, just random feelings and too much time on my hands.

I guess I'll end this for the night.

My Immortal (Original - rare) 1998

Perception

So I've been thinking a lot about how I remember Mom.

I told my boyfriend the other night I remember her mostly as her 20s/30s self.

I remember her when I was a little kid and her wearing these cropped jackets, matching bustiers, high waisted mini-skirts and stiletto heels. (oh the 80s)

She was HOT.

Seriously.

I looked forward to growing up because I shared her genes and hoped I'd be just as stunning.

She'd wear these outfits to Motley Crue concerts. (from what I remember)

She also had the cutest clothes and I LOVED playing dress up in them.

I would put them on and pretend to be a runway model.

I wish we had more pictures of her like that.

But this isn't how she actually looked over the past few years.

Her health was deteriorating.

She was showing early signs of aging considering her age.

I know this.

Her hands were contracted.

She was in a wheelchair.

Her legs were atrophied.

I visited her.

I saw her this way.

But still this is not what my memory of her is.

So I think maybe it's because:

1. Out of my 25 years with her she had only had her condition for about 7-8 years. Leaving a remaining 17 years of her being and for the most part healthy until her condition began to happen.
2. I have fonder memories of her being that way.
3. The worst part of her condition took over when she kicked me out at 17 and so I wasn't there witnessing it day by day. Then she moved back to Texas after my sister and I graduated high school and again we didn't see her day by day. It's almost as if she just went from being fine to wheelchair bound overnight, the way my memory recalls it. (I know that is not the case)

So, I don't know if I am just choosing to remember her at her most beautiful and vibrant or what.

It's just a matter of perception I guess.

I imagine the way I remember her is not the same way my 13 year old brother will remember her. 

This is how I remember her.

(This picture was taken when I was 15)

This is how she was before she passed away.

(This picture was taken Dec. 2012)

So today is a special day, I think I'll be writing two posts.
But don't hold me to that.

The Concept of Never

So, last night I had a horrible breakdown.

It started at home, by myself, just looking at pictures of Mom and me.

My boyfriend was at work and he is pretty much the only person who can get me to stop crying about Mom.

I will go on crying for hours until he holds me.

It's ridiculous and I hate it.

I picked him up from work crying, trying to hide the fact that I've been crying.

He got in the car and immediately asked me what was wrong and I lost it.

Just streaming tears during the entire car ride home and he's trying to wipe them away so I can still see and drive and I'm just crying hysterically and saying things.

We get home and he holds me for a bit and I just let go.

We eat dinner and I can feel my eyes being swollen, feeling full of water, ready for another breakdown at any minute.

That's how these happen.

It's like an all night affair between me and my emotions.

This is why I try to keep them off my mind.

Everyone tells me to remember the good times and reflect on those memories.

I do that.

The problem is that I can't remember without crying.

I can't remember without becoming very upset.

Last night I remembered Thanksgiving and her face when my sister and nephew got out of the car.

I knew she was going to cry.

She did.

It was a huge surprise and secret that we had to keep for about 2 1/2 - 3 months.

I am so glad we had that Thanksgiving together.

I am so glad my sister came from out of state to visit.

But it hurts...Thanksgiving was our holiday.

I declared it our holiday together since I moved back to Texas.

and I had no idea that would be our last Thanksgiving.

And while it was great and I enjoyed it and I know she did too I feel guilty for leaving the next day to go Black Friday Shopping.

I feel guilty for not seeing her since Thanksgiving.

It just sucks.

It wasn't supposed to be our last.

I then thought about the time I surprised her and picked her up (wheelchair and all) when my sister was in labor with my nephew and drove 10 hours from Texas to Mississippi for the birth of my nephew. While we were 10 hours too late for his arrival, we still got there and he was just precious and tiny and I know it meant a lot to her.

We shared a lot of memories on the trip there and back.

Lots of music.

I remember playing a CD and she said "Who is this?" I said "Lady Gaga." she said "Really? She's actually really good." 

I smiled inside thinking I was introducing her to new music like she introduced me to music over my entire life.

And it's these memories that kill me inside.

That's all I have left.

Are the memories.

There will be no more.

No new memories.

And that is heartbreaking.

She's never coming back.

She's gone.

This isn't Vampire Diaries...

The dead don't just come back.

Nothing I say.

Nothing I do.

Nothing anyone else says or does will bring her back.

She's gone forever.

She's never coming back.

Do you fully comprehend what never means?

It wasn't until now that I truly understood what never actually means.

What death actually means.

It sucks and I was not ready for this.

I go through a lot of emotional stresses in my life coupled with health issues, ADD and depression.

My mom always helped me cope with this.

I always felt like everything is against me and that is just how the universe works.

My mom always pushed me to get through it.

She always gave me steps: "The hardest thing to do is to get out of bed. So start there."

That was okay because I had her to help me.

I had her to guide and support and reassure me.

Now I don't have her.

And I don't know what to do.

I know a lot of people have said "I'm here if you need me."

and I have called a lot of people just needing to talk.

But no one compares to talking to Mom.

No one gives me that comfort when I get off the phone with them.

In the end I am still yearning to hear her voice and her advice or her compliments and words of encouragement.

But I will never hear that again.

Also, a side note,

This situation has brought some amazing people into my life and for that I am blessed, in a bittersweet kinda way.

But, there are certain people in my life who I would have expected to be by my side during all this that have been absent.

It really hurts and I have definitely taken note.

It's moments like this that make you realize who really cares about you and means it when they say they'll be there for you.

"Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality." - Emily Dickinson

Fathers, be good to your daughters | Daughters will love like you do | Girls become lovers who turn into mothers | So mothers, be good to your daughters too

I just noticed how much the summer semester took my mind off Mom.

A lot.

Now that I'm 'done' I find myself missing her more and more again. Like I did in May and June.

Not that I didn't miss her in July.

I would have breakdowns when I just couldn't work past my emotions anymore.

It's like water dripping into a glass, eventually, over time, that glass will become full and overflow.

I'd have breakdowns when my glass was overflowing.

So anyway, I am supposed to start working on completing 1 more class before the Fall.
I am set to take the final on the 21st.

I don't want to do that right now.

I feel like I haven't had enough of a break from the end of the Summer semester.

Fall is going to be packed with a lot of school and hopefully I'll have a job too.
I just want to sleep and lay on the couch and watch The Office. (with my cats)

Also lately I've been having a lot of nightmares about bad things happening to my cats.

I think maybe because I get such happiness from them and love them so much that I'm scared of losing them like I lost Mom.

Suddenly.

Without warning.

I think all the time about how lucky I am that we were so close and that we had just talked that day and everything.

It's like someone saying they're going to the store and never coming back.

Just gone before you realized.

Thinking you had your entire lives together.

Thinking about graduation next year.

She'll be there.

Thinking about when I get engaged and start planning my wedding.

She'll be so excited.

Thinking about wedding day.

Mother - Daughter pictures.

I won't get to have this.

Thinking about my first pregnancy.

She'll give me mommy advice.

These things I will never to get share with her being here.

I finished the summer semester with a 3.5 GPA.

I worked really hard too.

I also got a B in the class that I was completing from the Spring semester.

I completed 3 classes in 5 weeks. 

I want to tell her so much.

I want to show her my websites I designed for one of my classes.

It just sucks.

There's no other word for it.

I was going to go visit her grave the other day but didn't because it was so late and I was stuck in Houston traffic for a while.

I also got sad thinking about her grave not having a marker.

I know I should be proud that we even were able to get the money to bury her, but I still feel sad that there is nothing indicating where she is.

I sometimes think of making a nice cross or something but the weather out there would just ruin it.

So I don't.

I wish I could take a trip to visit my sister in Alabama or visit my Dad in Illinois or something.

I'm just sad and feel lonely.

That's all...

Thanks for the memories

I am so relieved.

Tomorrow I take 2 finals and Saturday I will take my last one for the summer.

This summer has been exhausting and especially the lats week.

I have had so many projects due.

I have been extremely overwhelmed.

But I've finished it all.

I hope I'm making my mom proud.

I want to do this so much more than I ever have before.

I don't know if losing Mom just lit that fire inside of me or what...but I'm trying so hard.

May 2014 is still my goal.

I am doing everything in my power to make it a reality.

I applied for a job today.

I'm going to apply for some more probably next week.

We had a project in one of my computer science classes and I designed a website with CSS and everyone kept telling me how good it looked.

At first I didn't think much of it, but now I'm super proud of it.

I wish I could show it to her.

She'd get so excited. 

This is the career field she wanted me to pick even when i was in high school.

I still have 1 more class(CSC 211) to complete between Monday and Aug. 20.

I have to take my final on the 21 so he can get my grade in before the Fall and so they don't drop me from my classes.

My mom's high school best friend sent me 4 pictures from when she was 18.

I really liked seeing them.

I think her and my sister look SO much alike at that age.

It's funny to look back on.

She was 18 in the pictures.

It was the age she was when she had me.

I miss her a lot

I want to share with her everything I do and have been doing.

A memory I had recently and wanted to share:

When I was 12 or 13 we had a girls night.

I think my sister was staying the night with a friend. 

Anyway, we went to the movie store and rented some movies and got snacks.

I remember getting cotton candy and we rented "The Haunting" and "Return to House on Haunted Hill"

We set up in the livingroom for our little sleepover.

It was a lot of fun and I really cherished that night with her as a kid.

As we go on, we remember, all the times we had together

" I’m scared that if I let myself be happy for one minute, that the my world’s going to come crashing down and I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive that. "

Today I had three exams. 

Exam 3 for CSC 202

Exam 2 for CSC 350

Exam 2 for PSY 311

The CSC 202 exam I took today was the exam I was studying for the night Mom had her aneurysm rupture. I remember everything about that evening from the moment I received the phone call to every minute that passed by until I got to the hospital. Today taking my exam and getting my grade is confirmation that I'm moving forward. Next week I'll take my Summer II finals and nearly be done with the Spring semester I couldn't complete and in addition have completed 2 summer courses. I'm moving forward without my Mom and I have to say that it hurts me real bad.

I will finally be a senior.

I have set aside hotel rooms for family for graduation next May.

I have confirmed a banquet room for my graduation party.

I have people throwing my graduation party for me.

I am so blessed with all of the people that have come to my side in all this.
Yet, I still miss Mom.

This.

Graduation.

It's the one thing she really really wanted for me and my sister.

She didn't want us to depend on a man to take care of us.

I was supposed to share this achievement with her.

So that sucks.

This past week I have received messages from mr junior high choir teacher and my high school advanced english teacher telling me how proud they are of me. How they like seeing my posts on facebook. How they think I'm strong and can succeed. 

I can't even explain what these things mean to me.

I know it seems like something so small, a few compliments, whatever.

But it's not small.

It always happens when I'm having a moment of sadness.

Or discouraging thoughts.

It comes right when I need it.

\

My sister shared this song with me and I am in love with it. So, you should listen.

Dancing in the Sky by Dani & Lizzy