The Concept of Never

So, last night I had a horrible breakdown.

It started at home, by myself, just looking at pictures of Mom and me.

My boyfriend was at work and he is pretty much the only person who can get me to stop crying about Mom.

I will go on crying for hours until he holds me.

It's ridiculous and I hate it.

I picked him up from work crying, trying to hide the fact that I've been crying.

He got in the car and immediately asked me what was wrong and I lost it.

Just streaming tears during the entire car ride home and he's trying to wipe them away so I can still see and drive and I'm just crying hysterically and saying things.

We get home and he holds me for a bit and I just let go.

We eat dinner and I can feel my eyes being swollen, feeling full of water, ready for another breakdown at any minute.

That's how these happen.

It's like an all night affair between me and my emotions.

This is why I try to keep them off my mind.

Everyone tells me to remember the good times and reflect on those memories.

I do that.

The problem is that I can't remember without crying.

I can't remember without becoming very upset.

Last night I remembered Thanksgiving and her face when my sister and nephew got out of the car.

I knew she was going to cry.

She did.

It was a huge surprise and secret that we had to keep for about 2 1/2 - 3 months.

I am so glad we had that Thanksgiving together.

I am so glad my sister came from out of state to visit.

But it hurts...Thanksgiving was our holiday.

I declared it our holiday together since I moved back to Texas.

and I had no idea that would be our last Thanksgiving.

And while it was great and I enjoyed it and I know she did too I feel guilty for leaving the next day to go Black Friday Shopping.

I feel guilty for not seeing her since Thanksgiving.

It just sucks.

It wasn't supposed to be our last.

I then thought about the time I surprised her and picked her up (wheelchair and all) when my sister was in labor with my nephew and drove 10 hours from Texas to Mississippi for the birth of my nephew. While we were 10 hours too late for his arrival, we still got there and he was just precious and tiny and I know it meant a lot to her.

We shared a lot of memories on the trip there and back.

Lots of music.

I remember playing a CD and she said "Who is this?" I said "Lady Gaga." she said "Really? She's actually really good." 

I smiled inside thinking I was introducing her to new music like she introduced me to music over my entire life.

And it's these memories that kill me inside.

That's all I have left.

Are the memories.

There will be no more.

No new memories.

And that is heartbreaking.

She's never coming back.

She's gone.

This isn't Vampire Diaries...

The dead don't just come back.

Nothing I say.

Nothing I do.

Nothing anyone else says or does will bring her back.

She's gone forever.

She's never coming back.

Do you fully comprehend what never means?

It wasn't until now that I truly understood what never actually means.

What death actually means.

It sucks and I was not ready for this.

I go through a lot of emotional stresses in my life coupled with health issues, ADD and depression.

My mom always helped me cope with this.

I always felt like everything is against me and that is just how the universe works.

My mom always pushed me to get through it.

She always gave me steps: "The hardest thing to do is to get out of bed. So start there."

That was okay because I had her to help me.

I had her to guide and support and reassure me.

Now I don't have her.

And I don't know what to do.

I know a lot of people have said "I'm here if you need me."

and I have called a lot of people just needing to talk.

But no one compares to talking to Mom.

No one gives me that comfort when I get off the phone with them.

In the end I am still yearning to hear her voice and her advice or her compliments and words of encouragement.

But I will never hear that again.

Also, a side note,

This situation has brought some amazing people into my life and for that I am blessed, in a bittersweet kinda way.

But, there are certain people in my life who I would have expected to be by my side during all this that have been absent.

It really hurts and I have definitely taken note.

It's moments like this that make you realize who really cares about you and means it when they say they'll be there for you.