Perception

So I've been thinking a lot about how I remember Mom.

I told my boyfriend the other night I remember her mostly as her 20s/30s self.

I remember her when I was a little kid and her wearing these cropped jackets, matching bustiers, high waisted mini-skirts and stiletto heels. (oh the 80s)

She was HOT.

Seriously.

I looked forward to growing up because I shared her genes and hoped I'd be just as stunning.

She'd wear these outfits to Motley Crue concerts. (from what I remember)

She also had the cutest clothes and I LOVED playing dress up in them.

I would put them on and pretend to be a runway model.

I wish we had more pictures of her like that.

But this isn't how she actually looked over the past few years.

Her health was deteriorating.

She was showing early signs of aging considering her age.

I know this.

Her hands were contracted.

She was in a wheelchair.

Her legs were atrophied.

I visited her.

I saw her this way.

But still this is not what my memory of her is.

So I think maybe it's because:

1. Out of my 25 years with her she had only had her condition for about 7-8 years. Leaving a remaining 17 years of her being and for the most part healthy until her condition began to happen.
2. I have fonder memories of her being that way.
3. The worst part of her condition took over when she kicked me out at 17 and so I wasn't there witnessing it day by day. Then she moved back to Texas after my sister and I graduated high school and again we didn't see her day by day. It's almost as if she just went from being fine to wheelchair bound overnight, the way my memory recalls it. (I know that is not the case)

So, I don't know if I am just choosing to remember her at her most beautiful and vibrant or what.

It's just a matter of perception I guess.

I imagine the way I remember her is not the same way my 13 year old brother will remember her. 

This is how I remember her.

(This picture was taken when I was 15)

This is how she was before she passed away.

(This picture was taken Dec. 2012)

So today is a special day, I think I'll be writing two posts.
But don't hold me to that.