Thursday, November 22, 2012

I did not realize this would be the last day I would ever see my Mom. The last day I would ever feel her embrace. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Since I moved back to Texas I always spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I claimed it as our holiday. As a family that didn't have a lot there wasn't a lot of pressure associated with Thanksgiving. We just ate food throughout the day. We counted our blessings that we could all be together as a family on this one day of the year. We watched rivalry college football and I convinced my little brother to cheer for Alabama when the Texas Longhorns weren't playing. But the last Thanksgiving we spent together my sister was in from Alabama and we decided I would go on my first Black Friday experience. So, we only spent a day and a half with my Mom.

I wish I had known then what I know now. But, that's not how life works. My Thanksgiving celebration now begins with the extended side of my Mom's family because it's the closest I can feel to her on this day with my sister, brother, Dad, grandma and step-dad in different states. It hurts my heart to not have her, especially at this time of year. The other times of the year I was always at school so everyone understood that I couldn't come for every holiday. But they knew I'd be there for Thanksgiving. I fought with so many employers in the past about giving me Thanksgiving off. I even fought with my birth father who kicked me out of the house for spending Thanksgiving with my Mom my first year back in Texas. I was very serious about being with her on this day.

So, now we approach Thanksgiving year 2 without my Mom in my life. It is very hard. It doesn't get easier...you just get stronger. I still break down. I still almost call her. My maternal grandma lives at the same home my Mom lived at so they shared the same phone number. When I call my grandma it still pops up as "Mom" on my phone and it is like a knife in my heart every single time. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be thankful for those that are still in my life. But damn, your Mom is such an important person. If you have a decent relationship with your Mom I believe you will experience the same amount of heartbreak from losing her. As far as people who don't have a good relationship with their Mom, they may not feel this way when they pass away. I can't say for sure though. I just know how I feel and how this has affected me.

It hurts. I'm partially dreading tomorrow and looking forward to it because I miss being around family so much.

But I wanted to compile a list of things I am thankful for:

• My siblings (all of y'all)
• My boyfriend (of 3 years 7 months)
• My cats
• My cousins who are more like siblings: Shiela, Frankie and Ashley
• My boyfriend's parents
• My job
• The friendship I formed with my coworker Lindsey over the past year
• The relationship I've built with my little sister Brittiany since she came to college
• My friend Britney and her Mom
• Girl Scout Thin Mint Coffee Creamer

There are so many things I am thankful for ranging from small to large. But I'm most grateful for the people in my life. The fact that I'm not alone. Even though many times I feel lonely I know I have so many people that care for me and that will listen to & comfort me.

Thinking of you this Thanksgiving Mom. <3

Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone

So this weekend was the Mötley Crüe concert.

For readers who don't know, my Mom and Dad were huge Mötley Crüe fans.

I was raised listening to them in my livingroom on MTV with my Mom while dancing to their music, Mom taught me to throw my arm in the air all sassy like when singing "All around the world, girls will be girls" from Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S).

I will never forget doing that with my Mom as a kid.
When they played that song it made me think of her and smiled,
feeling lucky that I have that memory of us together.

My friends and family all put in money together to for me to able to attend Mötley Crüe's Final Tour as a graduation present.

I bought 3 tickets for me, my boyfriend and my Dad.

I wished so badly that Mom was here so I could have taken her.

She would have had an awesome time.

The finale they played Home Sweet Home and I got up in my chair and swayed back and forth and cried.

That song just makes me think of Mom so much and makes me miss her terribly.

Just take this song 

and you'll never be left all alone

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night

and I'm coming off this 

Long and winding road

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

Home Sweet Home

But it was awesome to be standing between my Dad and my boyfriend.

Rocking out.

Hands in the air.

15 rows from the front of the stage.

Floor seats.

& right underneath Tommy Lee's rollercoaster drumset : The Cruecifly.

To a band my Dad has always loved and one I grew up loving.

It's extremely bittersweet.

Weirdly though, their FINAL TOUR actually happening made me feel like it was just another nail in the coffin signifying how final Mom's death is.

Like because she's gone the band is breaking up.

It's weird...I don't know if you know what I mean...

But I enjoyed my time with my Dad.

So many times in my life since losing Mom I feel guilty.

The reason is because I miss Mom so much and so many things make me think of her.

Then I have Dad and I feel like I don't acknowledge that he's still alive and with me enough.
But it's hard because we live many states away and he works odd hours and he isn't a very big phone person.

Mom was in the same state as me (although 4 hours away...) and we talked every single day.

But yeah... I love my Dad a lot and I literally live in fear of the day I will lose him.

I am so glad we got to go to the concert together.

I am so glad that it's a memory we'll have together.

We were talking about the last concert we each saw.

I told him the last concert I saw was Mötley Crüe in 2011 with my boyfriend.
He said the last concert he saw was Mötley Crüe with Pink Floyd with my Mom (and that was sometime in the 90s).

How funny?

That's all.

Just wanted to give a quick update.

Thanks for reading. 

xoxo.

You made me cry, You told me lies, but, I can't say goodbye.

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I have the intent to update many times I just don't ever follow through on it.

So, my life has changed quickly. I'm working full time now and doing stuff that has to do with what I went to school for, so that is definitely a plus.
Also, I have been very happy.
Things are going pretty well.
I don't have many complaints.
I'm feeling very blessed with my boyfriend,
my family,
my job,
just everything.

I do miss Mom a lot and I don't know why but this summer I have had many moments where I want to call her. I think it's because for the first time in a long time things are finally going right for me. Things are going good and I want to tell her about them. I want to tell her when I'm told I do a good job at work. I want to tell her about my new goals I've set for myself.
But I can't.
and that's hard.
I had a breakdown at work about 2 weeks ago I think...Luckily I work with some really nice people and one of my coworkers talked to me and calmed me down.
Then last Tuesday I read this article about Mom's being the best person in your life and I lost it.
My heart still hurts.
Sometimes I feels like I'm losing her all over again.
It feels so new sometimes.
and I feel like I've accepted that she's gone.
I know she's in a better place.
I know she's not hurting.
But I just feel cheated sometimes...
and I feel bad sometimes for being happy and moving on without her.
I still sometimes feel like my life should be in shambles because she is no longer a part of it.
At least not a part of it in the way I want her to be

I read the news and see all of these crappy people who abuse their kids or abuse animals or don't care about people and I think how unfair it is that they are even alive and part of this world while good people like my mom and my friends/family's parents passed away.
I know it's part of life.
I know.
It doesn't help.

Sometimes I will hear a song and it will make me think of Mom and smile.
Other times that same song will break my heart and make me cry because it reminds me of her.

I'm having a pretty good "summer". Although I don't think it's really set in that I'm done with college. I'm used to working through the summers so it kinda feels like that is what I'm doing.

I'm trying to learn how to be a "real" adult.
I get off work (I work 8am-5pm) and I feel like "Oh I've worked today. So I don't have to do any other adult responsibilities except maybe go to the grocery store."
I know most adults do more than just work in a day.
I just need to find a way to create a schedule that I will stick to.

So all in all everything is fine.
All in all I miss Mom every single day of my life.
It hasn't gotten any easier...I've just gotten stronger...but I still have my weak moments where I just have to breakdown and let the sadness consume me for a bit.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
It's a horrible emptiness to feel.



But all in all.
I am doing good.
Things are good.
I am pretty much loving life.
My boyfriend is amazing.
My cats make me happy.
I like my job and my coworkers.
Things are good.
I think I'm coping well.
<3

Thanks for reading.

Mom, we did it!

On Saturday May 10th I was the first female in my family to graduate college with a bachelors degree. I moved back to Texas in 2009 to be closer to my Mom (and I'm so glad that I did). She wanted me to attend a Texas college and she always wanted me to go to school for computers but I refused and pursued nursing. After leaving my nursing program in Alabama and not being able to get into a nursing program in Texas, I changed my major to Information Technology and she was ecstatic. So, this weekend I achieved her dream and my dream. We did it and I have set a precedent for young women in this family that I hope they will strive to achieve and surpass. 

Graduation was phenomenal. My graduation party was beautiful. I never imagined I'd experience anything that awesome and so personalized in my life. It was so much more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I can't quite put into words how I felt with everyone being there and everyone celebrating my accomplishment. I'm so blessed for the people in my life. For everyone supporting me. For those that have sacrificed to help make my life easier while I try to finish school. For those who were there for me to lean on for emotional support in the past year as I struggled to push through and deal with my grief all at the same time. I am truly blessed.

Some photos from my Tiffany's themed graduation party.

It's kinda funny because in a sense I feel like I have more people in my life that care about me than ever before. I guess tough situations really do show you who your REAL friends and family are, and lucky for me, I have gained a lot more than I've lost.

Me and my Daddy after graduation. <3

I just wanted to share with those of you that follow me that I did it. It was very hard, sitting in my chair before it was time for the College of Science and Mathematics graduates to be called up there. I was looking around for everyone that I knew that came to see me graduate and each time I realized I wouldn't see Mom. It was very hard knowing she wasn't going to be there. As I walked to my chair among the Class of 2014 graduates the chair of the Computer Science Department stopped me and told me he was proud of me. Then as I was about to receive my "degree" the advisor for the COSM told me I had worked so hard and how proud she was of me. Each of these people knew what I had been through and it meant so much to me for them to say these things. I fought back tears the entire time. Thank God for my graduating classmates, (which were all boys, I was the only girl to receive the IT degree), if I looked sad or teared up they'd joke with me or make me laugh. They really kept me from losing it. I really wish I had taken a picture with all of them.

I am fortunate enough to have been extended a full time position with the company I interned for this past semester. I'm the concept designer for our software and I am happy to have a job in my field of study. I know many college graduates aren't so lucky but that is why I made the decision to pursue a technical degree.

I guess that is all. I had started this post the day after graduation but forgot to publish it. So, sorry it's so late.

Here are some graduation pictures and graduation senior pictures as well. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you...

So, today marks the 1 year "anniversary" of Mom's passing.

Yesterday was the actual 1 year from the day that we pulled her off life support and waited for her to pass. We waited for her to leave her human body of suffering and go into the spirit realm and be welcomed by God and our other family members we have lost.

I know in my heart that she is in a better place. Far better than if we had kept her on machines for the rest of her life. I know she's where she should be given the situation. But I can't help but feel selfish. Graduation is 20 days away and I seriously do not want to graduate without her being here. I can't help but feel that way. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen without her. I'm scared of taking these next big steps in my life without her. I consult with my boyfriend's parents about career questions and post-graduation questions but I wish I could talk to her too. She would be beyond ecstatic seeing my graduation invitations and my stoles and helping me decide between chords or medallions (which I consulted with many family members about). 

I haven't dreamed about her in a long time. Sometimes I can hear her though. When I'm doing something I shouldn't especially like skipping class to sleep in, I can almost hear her say my first and middle name with that you-know-better tone.

I feel lost. It's been 1 year and I still feel very lost without her. One of my good friends who lost his Mom last year said it best "I can see myself, I can see where I'm supposed to be but I'm just a little too far. I'm out of reach." It truly feels that way and I am not sure that if you haven't lost someone close to you that makes up so much of your world, that you know what he's describing.

I have been hurting so long that I think I made myself be numb. I appear okay to most people. I cry probably once every other week now instead of every day. I do most of what I'm supposed to do. I'm still struggling with being social and would much rather crawl into bed and watch movies with my cats than to go out and be around people. I can't help it. It is seriously like the worst break up of all time. I literally feel like a piece of my heart broke a year ago. Sometimes when I remember everything that happened during those 17 days she was in the hospital I can feel it breaking all over again. I can feel the pain all over again and the rest of the time I just feel this hole inside of my heart. The heart feels. I'm already a very emotional person. I'm not good at concealing my feelings from people. I have to get whatever is bothering me off my chest at that very moment. So dealing with this and trying to hide how I feel is not an option. I will cry wherever I am. I remember last semester when I started crying silently in one of my classes.

I hurt inside. I hurt without her. I have needed advice from her SO many times this past year and it has killed me to not be able to talk to her. I miss her voice and I have horrible nightmares and thoughts that I may one day forget how she sounded. I have my sister and one of my cousins that I am really close with. My sister has a different perspective on death and loss and she's really good at dealing with her emotions so sometimes it can be hard to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I'm still feeling this way. My cousin just lost her Mom on April 4th, and it was devastating for so many of us so I don't feel like I can lean on her right now. Even though if she reads this post she will message me after and tell me I can talk to her about anything because she's the sweetest, most caring person ever.

So, it's Easter and I'm with my boyfriend's family. We hit our 3 year anniversary last week of being together and I am so truly grateful for his parents and everything they do. I wish my sister, Dad and paternal Grandma all lived here though so I could spend more holidays with them. Mom was my in-state family that I could visit and spend holidays with. Everyone has that part of their family that is their immediate family (whether by blood or choice). While I am very grateful for my boyfriend's parents, I wish my family was closer so we could have more holidays together. I think it would do me good to see them on a more regular basis. I haven't seen any of them since Mom's passing a year ago and I won't see them for another 20 days. Hopefully after I graduate I can see them more. 

So anyway, I am about to go celebrate Easter with my boyfriend's family. Here is a status my sister posted on Facebook today that I thought was beautiful and insightful.

"Today as I celebrate Easter with my family I do so with a heavy heart. On this day one year ago my family and I made the hardest decision we have probably ever made. Having to make the decision to take someone you love off life support is a difficult thing to do. However today is a day of remembrance...a day to remember that Jesus died for our sins and a day to know that the loved ones you lost are celebrating this wonderful day with the person we celebrate it for. How can we mourn for those people. We should be celebrating for them for they are in the presence of God and they are enjoying the true meaning of this holiday in person. So even though today marks 1 year of us being without my mom for her it marks 1 year that she's been in the presence of God and what a day to celebrate that!"

Rest In Peace Mom - You are surely not forgotten, always remembered and missed.We hope you're dancing in the sky, barbecuing with Uncle Freddy, Grandma Poppy and Winky and watching us all we we miss you dearly. <3

Change now it’s time for change, nothing stays the same

So a lot has been going on in my life that has impacting me in my studies and obviously updating this blog. I had an infected tooth that was hurting me for a while and I was seen on Feb. 4^th for it. They were booked for the entire month so I couldn’t make an appointment until march 6^th. The pain became so bad that it would wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up. I tried to go to class while in pain and I couldn’t do anything except hold my face and wince in pain. I hardly heard a thing my professor said. So consequently, I missed about 2 weeks of classes. I finally BEGGED my dentist to see me before our appointment and get got me in last week (2/12/14) and did the root canal. I had an exam on 2/13 and I was still in pain. But I am finally over that and have been playing catch up with my studies. I had a 2 part exam yesterday/today and I think I did pretty good on it.

During this time last year I was dealing with some serious issues with my depression/anxiety. My mom was helping me get through it. She knew my personality well and she knew what to say that would motivate me and not make me want to crawl back in bed. The bed is my safe place. I feel at peace there. I have felt that way ever since I was kid. When life gets really really hard, all I want to do is curl up in the covers, cuddle my cats and sleep endlessly. There have been times when I have thought that death would be better than the struggles I seem to constantly face in life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suicidal by any means. I could never take my own life and I’d never do that to my family. Just sometimes I feel like the universe throws so many obstacles my way. Mom used to say that God put so much on because I was a very strong person and I could handle it. She said if he put those same struggles on someone who appeared to not deal with as much as me, it would break them and possibly cause them to end their life. She kinda made it sound like my duty. But I’ve been missing her a lot. My depression got the better of me recently with missing class due to my tooth, the pain in my tooth, the lack of sleep and a professor who nearly outright refuses to work with me. It’s times like this when I would call her for those pieces of advice, those words I needed to hear from her, that encouraged me and reminded me of the strong woman I am. But now I can’t call her. And mind you, there is NO ONE in this world who has been able to say things to me to bring me the comfort of those words. She just knew me…and she knew what to say…and how to say it…and I miss that a lot. I’m going to miss that for the rest of my life.

But, I’m picking up the pieces and trying to go back to doing good in my classes. The first step is actually attending them again. LOL. I refuse to let anything stop me from graduating. Just like I refuse to let my stomach condition stop me and refuse to let her passing stop me. I promised her May 2014 and damn it, I meant it.

This semester is a constant reminder of her. I can look back on Facebook messages we shared a year ago on this date and I do that frequently to remember her advice she was giving me when I was going through that. My boyfriend’s mom called me the other night when I was having a break down and it was really really nice of her to do it. She asked me what I would say to my Mom if I could talk to her and I started telling her and we ended up in conversation, conversation that I would probably have had with my Mom if she were still here. I appreciate his family so much. I also appreciate my family a lot too. I recently learned that one of my cousins lost her Mom at a really young age while she was away at college and so she resonates with how I feel and that is comforting. It’s hard sometimes when people don’t understand what you’re going through. I can honestly say I felt bad for people who lost their parents prior to me losing mom, but I didn’t truly understand that pain until last year when it happened to me and now when someone posts their parent or close family is in the hospital or that they lost them, I literally feel pangs of heartbreak for them.

So, today is 80 days until graduation. I have to have oral surgery on March 10^th which is the first day of my Spring Break. Yay for my last Spring break being awesome (not).

I guess that is all. I wanted to give a quick update so y’all know what’s going on.

Off to college, yes you went away, straight from high school, you up and left me...

So, the semester started and I am as unmotivated as it gets.

On top of that, my stomach problems are occurring more often and are worse and I have also been having LOTS of tooth pain, which I can nothing about since I have NO insurance right now.

That is the 1 thing I am looking forward to after graduation.

I'm going to be like "BRING ON THE INSURANCES!"

So, I'm trying to get on the ball and do what I'm supposed to do...but it's just not feeling easy for me.

I'm missing Mom A LOT.
I kinda felt this way last Spring semester and I even found Facebook messages where I was talking to her about how I was feeling.
She would encourage me and say "Getting out of bed is the first step."

This week it was announced that her favorite band: Mötley Crüe is having their farewell tour.

I ALWAYS wanted us to see them together and she was really mad at me for taking my boyfriend in 2011 instead of her.

I told myself I'd get another chance to take her one day and now I won't.

I contacted my Dad because he and my mom both loved Mötley Crüe when I was growing up and I have such good memories tied to their music and I love them as well.

So we're going to try to go together.

I don't want to make that same mistake again.

Dad and I love seeing live music together, so I really hope we get to see them.

Today (the date I started writing this post 1/30) is officially 100 days until graduation.
I need to step up my game or else I will not be graduating...

Last Thursday it snowed here, which is pretty uncommon for this part of Texas and we were ecstatic.

I really wanted to call Mom and tell her about it.

There's so much I want to tell her.

There's so many times I want to call her.
I haven't dreamed about her since like, last June I think and I hate that.

I wish she would come visit me in my dreams or something.

I hate death. 

I hate how final it is.

I've been very sick this week and I had to leave work early yesterday. I tried to stick it out for my entire shift, but it became really hard once I started running fever.
I know in the real adult world you have to go to work even when you're sick...so I was trying to be adult about it.
Eventually I was just laying my head against the wall accomplishing nothing.

There are times where I watch movies and stuff about the dead coming back and it makes me so very sad.
Especially in Vampire Diaries.
I guess that is all I really have to say.
I really miss my Mom.