Dreaming Of You

So a lot of people tell me that Mom will come and visit me in my dreams.

Since she passed away I have only dreamed of her once.

It was in June (I think) and I was visiting her and Grandma's house and when I came into the livingroom she was sitting there, smiling, writing with her colored gel pens, cross-legged on the couch.

She looked happy and healthy and how I remember her growing up before she became disabled.

It was comforting.

Today I decided to sleep in because for once I am actually not severely behind in my schoolwork.

So the cats and I all curled up together after I took my boyfriend to work at 10am and slept until 4pm.

Before I woke up I had been dreaming.

I dreamed that I was at one of my cousin's house for a family BBQ.

I was walking around talking to some of the people that were there and suddenly Mom turned around.

She was STANDING there.

She just looked at me and smiled and opened her arms and I ran into them and we held each other so tightly.

It was so real.

I woke up crying.

It was a very short dream.

But it made me so happy.

I found some comfort in it.

So I am happy to say that I believe Mom visited me in my dream this afternoon.

I have been trying to make real progress moving forward and focusing on my future.

I've been turning off the CD I burned of songs from her funeral.

I've been deleting the songs from her funeral out of my phone.

I've been trying to remove all sad stimuli.

I think she was saying to me that it's okay that I do this and for me to not feel guilty about it.

Because I do a little bit.

But not enough to stop.

I know I'm doing what is best for me and what she would want for me.

So, that is all.

:)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

So recently I have been thinking a lot about myself and where I am in life and how I feel.

I was talking to my boyfriend the other night about how I feel.

I explained to him that I feel like I've lost control of my life since Mom passed away.

That I am no longer in control of my emotions or anything around me and I thought that was ridiculous.

I like to be in control of things.

Especially myself.

The only thing I am not really in control of when it comes to myself that I can accept is my stomach condition.

So I decided that night (4 nights ago) that I was no longer going to let things control me.

I will allow myself 1 day a week to cry and breakdown and grieve Mom.

{I} am allowing this to happen.

Because I am in control.

I will not cry unless I permit it.

I will not complain that my emotions are making things hard for me.

I will not complain that losing Mom has made things harder for me.

I run this.

This is my life.

and I am taking the reins back.

and I have to say...

The past 4 days have been great.

I am so much happier.

I am grinding and knocking out school work.

I am working ahead and finishing things before their scheduled due dates.

I am almost caught up with one class I am about 2 weeks behind in.

I met with my advisor to make sure that I can graduate and it's looking highly probable.

So, I filed for graduation yesterday.

I also feel less stressed.

I have 3 exams next week and I'm not even that nervous.

I know I will be prepared.

Because I run this and I will make sure I'm prepared.

I didn't come this far to fail now.

I have younger siblings looking at me and I don't want them to think I can't get through this.

I can.

Just had to tweak my mindset a little bit.

So I am excited.

I am hopeful.

I am driven.

I promised Mom I'd graduate in May and I will.

The last serious promise I ever made her.

I will honor it.

So I hope you enjoyed reading this post.

Also, today is 5 months since Mom passed away.

But I'm not sad.

I miss her terribly.

(How ironic that right now I'm listening to music on my phone and "Go Rest High On That Mountain" just started playing)

But I feel like I'm moving on with my life and she'd want that for me.

She is going to be so proud when I get not just one but two degrees in May.

That is all. <3

Love you all for reading and keep the faith. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you.

Monday was my first birthday without Mom.

I had a dinner planned at 7pm.

It was my boyfriend, me and 8 of my friends and classmates.

My best friend from Houston who I hadn't seen since February at the Houston Rodeo surprised me. 

I had no idea she was even coming.

She came over to my apartment after the dinner and everyone watched the Texan's game.

Except me...because I came home and did a school assignment for one of my classes that I thought would take me 30 minutes but actually took me 2 hours.

So I didn't get to hangout much.

All week I have been sad.

I've been trying to hide it.

The boyfriend had his first physics test of the semester and I know he was worried about it.

I then have to push back my emotions because I have school stuff to do and I have to go to work.

I kept feeling everything inside of me build up.

The stress of my classes.

The stress of finding time to study for all of my classes.

The stress of missing class because I'm so sad about my first birthday without my mom.

There' just so much I feel and it consumes me and I can't turn it off.

I don't know what to do.

All of my feelings are getting channeled into anger.

My boyfriend thinks I am not happy.

I told him I'm not.

Just in general I do not feel happy on a day-to-day basis.

How can I?

I mean I know I have happy moments...and there are things to be thankful for.

But the majority of things feel bad or stressful or overwhelming.

Sometimes I doubt that I was ready for the semester.

I just don't know what to do.

I think I must be terribly displeasing to be around.

But I can't help how I feel.

I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days.

Last week I missed a significant amount of classes as well as my counseling session.

I also screwed up my sleep schedule.

You'd think I could make it to a noon class right?

I've been playing catch up over the weekend. 

But I have an exam every Sunday for my online Social Problems class. 

Last week I got a 43/50 on the multiple choice section and a 50/50 on the essay.

Tonight I got a 50/50 on the multiple choice and hopefully I will maintain the same on the essay portion.

The rest of my classes I'm getting through. 

No real exams or anything to report of yet.

I cried hard on Friday night around like 12am. 

I just erupted.

When this happens I feel like I'm a boiling pot and the lid is teetering back and forth about to blow off.

Then I cry for hours and it feels like the heat was turned down.

But eventually it all builds back up again.

There is never a point when the pot is taken off the stove.

Tomorrow is my little brother's 14th birthday.

It will also be his first birthday without Mom.

I feel so terrible for him.
He's so much younger and he's shown no real signs of grieving.

I don't know if the age difference is why...or what.

I have been in contact with his family he spends time with so I can make sure he is okay.

I still worry about him though.

So I guess that is all.

The summary of this would be:

I'm still grieving.

I'm stressed.

I don't know how to not be stressed.

I'm worried about my brother.

It's been a while

Classes started back on August 26th.

The first week was really hard for me but I put up a good front I think.

Starting my senior year of college without being able to talk to my Mom just sucks.

She would have been so happy and so excited to finally be talking about graduation.

Cap and gown, stoles, cords, graduation party, invitations, graduation dress, shoes, pictures...the works.

But I don't have her to talk to about it.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't go on without her.

Like my life should stop because she's no longer in it.

I know this is illogical but it is how I feel.

This semester is far from easy.

But my major is also far from easy.

Good money doesn't come without hard work, right?

Tuesday I had my first counseling session of the semester.

We talked about Mom a lot.

I also started my new job as an office assistant at the university that day.

After I got off work, I was in the car and a CD that I burned with some songs from Mom's funeral was playing.

The song I dedicated to her "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls was played and I just lost it when I got home.

I sat in the car trying to collect myself so that my boyfriend and my other roommate wouldn't notice I had been crying but I had to come straight to the bedroom and cry for about another 2 hours.

After that I was emotionally exhausted.

I missed class Tuesday because I had to take Ryan to do something and then Thursday was supposed to be my long class day but I was really sick. I was so nauseous and felt like I was going to throw up.

It wasn't my typical sickness from my stomach condition.

It was something different.

I forced myself to go to work, not wanting to call in my first week but they sent me home after seeing me.

I was supposed to attend the campus involvement fair as an officer for an organization I'm in but didn't because of being sick.

I feel like I missed out on everything that day and it sucked.

Every year I make a big deal about my birthday.

Seriously, it's in September and I normally start planning it in July.

Because it's my birthday and I think I'm awesome.

This year I have been dreading my birthday.

Each day closer is another day that I have to accept celebrating my 1st birthday without my mom and her "labor of love" story.

I'm going to miss it so much.

Little things like that...

I used to actually find her same ol' speech every year annoying.

Now I won't get it and it makes me so sad.

I also feel bad for my little brother and sister as this will also be their first birthdays without mom.

I cannot think of her without crying.

When I talk about her to someone I have to look away because my eyes start tearing up and I don't want them to see me crying.

During counseling I have to do the same thing.

When I talk to someone on Facebook messenger about her I start crying.

My grandma was telling me about the day they brought me into the room after I was born and her reaction and I started crying.

Every memory of her makes me cry.

Good or bad.

Everyone says, "Remember the good times" or "She wouldn't want to being sad."

Yeah well, I am remember them and I'm sad and I wouldn't be sad if she was here.

So that's that.

I feel overwhelmed with school.

Missing several days and it's only been 2 weeks.

The online classes are very hard to keep up with.

Time management is not something I have ever excelled at and it's definitely being tested right now.

I've attempted to call Mom several times this week out of habit.

I always would call her after classes or between classes and tell her about things.

Tonight I ran for secretary of the computer science club and lost.

I wanted to call and tell her because it's the 1st officer election I've ever lost.

But I couldn't talk to her.

I secretly think that perhaps Mom is in Heaven and saw that I was going to run and impacted the voting because she knew I had too much on my plate right now with taking 17 hours, being an officer for 2 organization, being a member of 2 other organizations and working part time.

So anyway,

my birthday is Monday and I have a small dinner planned with some friends I go to college with.

That's it.

This senior stuff is no joke and I am beyond busy.

This entire weekend is dedicated to catching up on everything that I missed/didn't do because I was sick.

But I am anticipating a few cry sessions with my birthday approaching.

So that's all for this update.

You probably won't see one again for a while because of how busy I am with school.

Thanks for reading though.