What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you.

Monday was my first birthday without Mom.

I had a dinner planned at 7pm.

It was my boyfriend, me and 8 of my friends and classmates.

My best friend from Houston who I hadn't seen since February at the Houston Rodeo surprised me. 

I had no idea she was even coming.

She came over to my apartment after the dinner and everyone watched the Texan's game.

Except me...because I came home and did a school assignment for one of my classes that I thought would take me 30 minutes but actually took me 2 hours.

So I didn't get to hangout much.

All week I have been sad.

I've been trying to hide it.

The boyfriend had his first physics test of the semester and I know he was worried about it.

I then have to push back my emotions because I have school stuff to do and I have to go to work.

I kept feeling everything inside of me build up.

The stress of my classes.

The stress of finding time to study for all of my classes.

The stress of missing class because I'm so sad about my first birthday without my mom.

There' just so much I feel and it consumes me and I can't turn it off.

I don't know what to do.

All of my feelings are getting channeled into anger.

My boyfriend thinks I am not happy.

I told him I'm not.

Just in general I do not feel happy on a day-to-day basis.

How can I?

I mean I know I have happy moments...and there are things to be thankful for.

But the majority of things feel bad or stressful or overwhelming.

Sometimes I doubt that I was ready for the semester.

I just don't know what to do.

I think I must be terribly displeasing to be around.

But I can't help how I feel.

I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days.

Last week I missed a significant amount of classes as well as my counseling session.

I also screwed up my sleep schedule.

You'd think I could make it to a noon class right?

I've been playing catch up over the weekend. 

But I have an exam every Sunday for my online Social Problems class. 

Last week I got a 43/50 on the multiple choice section and a 50/50 on the essay.

Tonight I got a 50/50 on the multiple choice and hopefully I will maintain the same on the essay portion.

The rest of my classes I'm getting through. 

No real exams or anything to report of yet.

I cried hard on Friday night around like 12am. 

I just erupted.

When this happens I feel like I'm a boiling pot and the lid is teetering back and forth about to blow off.

Then I cry for hours and it feels like the heat was turned down.

But eventually it all builds back up again.

There is never a point when the pot is taken off the stove.

Tomorrow is my little brother's 14th birthday.

It will also be his first birthday without Mom.

I feel so terrible for him.
He's so much younger and he's shown no real signs of grieving.

I don't know if the age difference is why...or what.

I have been in contact with his family he spends time with so I can make sure he is okay.

I still worry about him though.

So I guess that is all.

The summary of this would be:

I'm still grieving.

I'm stressed.

I don't know how to not be stressed.

I'm worried about my brother.