Grief Round 2

Welcome to the new world. A world impacted by a virus.

July 22nd I got news that my grandfather had died from COVID. We were very close when I was a kid. He retired to another country. A developing country. He didn't even get to be buried because anyone who passes of COVID there had to be cremated. We would chat every once in a while when he was able to make it out to an internet cafe. We'd catch up. The last thing he told me was how proud he was of me and my sister. I loved him a lot and have nothing but good memories of him.

2 days later my Grandmother (not the one who was married to him) was hospitalized due to COVID and delirium caused by other acute infections. The day I found out she was in the hospital I was getting ready to throw my stuff into my car and drive there, only to find out because she is a COVID patient she is not allowed any visitors. The hospital system had a rule that a COVID positive patient could not have any visitors until 20 days after their initial positive test. In the middle of her stay they changed it to 30 days due to the delta variant. We had to fight for an exception to be made for us to see her. (Us = myself & my dad) We finally got there that weekend. We took shifts being with her on Saturday and Sunday. In her delirious state she still recognized us. She asked for my sister by name. She called me by name. She told me the time on the clock on the wall. Sunday she was coughing a LOT and I kept making the nurse and anyone staff member who came into her room while I was there aware of it. But she was ordered to be NPO and so I couldn't give her anything to clear her throat or help her. I kept asking them to help her. I even expressed this to the doctor later that evening when my Dad was there but I was back at our hotel room. They ordered a chest x-ray. Which came back showing extreme progression of her COVID related pneumonia. There were 16 days between this chest x-ray and the one before it. 16 days that pneumonia was getting worse and no one was doing anything about it. By the time it was seen it was too late. She coded that Tuesday, was brought back with chest compressions but was then moved to ICU and intubated. She passed away that Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday 08.17.21: We got the news of her coding around 7am. We had came back to my house which was about 4 hours from the hospital. We had a meeting set up at 2pm with some of the hospital staff to discuss areas of concern regarding her care. We got back there around 12pm. Stopped to eat before our meeting and then went to the hospital a little earlier before our meeting. At 1:50am we were at the ICU to meet the staff to have our discussion but they encouraged us to see my Grandma first. It's a good thing we did because she was barely hanging on. Her vitals were very low on the monitor. Her body temperature was so low they had some sort of heating blanket on her that was radiating excessive heat. She was being kept alive by all of these machines and it looked so cruel and awful. But my sister was on her way to the airport. We were hoping she would get there before Grandma passed away. But Grandma could not hold on. I held her hand and cried. I told her how much we loved her. How much our family loved her. Her vitals started dropping more and the doctor came in and said that she was passing and asked permission to remove her tube - which my Dad gave. I called my sister and put the phone on speaker and put it next to Grandma's ear so that she could tell her goodbye. I removed her restraints from her wrists and held her hand. Dad held her hand. I just cried. Her vitals stopped registering on the monitor but I didn't want to let go. We got there at 1:50pm and she was gone by 2:40pm.

This would be the 2nd family member I would have to watch have a tube removed from them and them pass away. Yes I could choose to not be there in the room when they pass away - but it does not feel right to let someone die alone. Especially someone you care so deeply for. There are no words to explain the love I have for this Grandmother of mine.

Mom, we did it!

On Saturday May 10th I was the first female in my family to graduate college with a bachelors degree. I moved back to Texas in 2009 to be closer to my Mom (and I'm so glad that I did). She wanted me to attend a Texas college and she always wanted me to go to school for computers but I refused and pursued nursing. After leaving my nursing program in Alabama and not being able to get into a nursing program in Texas, I changed my major to Information Technology and she was ecstatic. So, this weekend I achieved her dream and my dream. We did it and I have set a precedent for young women in this family that I hope they will strive to achieve and surpass. 

Graduation was phenomenal. My graduation party was beautiful. I never imagined I'd experience anything that awesome and so personalized in my life. It was so much more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I can't quite put into words how I felt with everyone being there and everyone celebrating my accomplishment. I'm so blessed for the people in my life. For everyone supporting me. For those that have sacrificed to help make my life easier while I try to finish school. For those who were there for me to lean on for emotional support in the past year as I struggled to push through and deal with my grief all at the same time. I am truly blessed.

Some photos from my Tiffany's themed graduation party.

It's kinda funny because in a sense I feel like I have more people in my life that care about me than ever before. I guess tough situations really do show you who your REAL friends and family are, and lucky for me, I have gained a lot more than I've lost.

Me and my Daddy after graduation. <3

I just wanted to share with those of you that follow me that I did it. It was very hard, sitting in my chair before it was time for the College of Science and Mathematics graduates to be called up there. I was looking around for everyone that I knew that came to see me graduate and each time I realized I wouldn't see Mom. It was very hard knowing she wasn't going to be there. As I walked to my chair among the Class of 2014 graduates the chair of the Computer Science Department stopped me and told me he was proud of me. Then as I was about to receive my "degree" the advisor for the COSM told me I had worked so hard and how proud she was of me. Each of these people knew what I had been through and it meant so much to me for them to say these things. I fought back tears the entire time. Thank God for my graduating classmates, (which were all boys, I was the only girl to receive the IT degree), if I looked sad or teared up they'd joke with me or make me laugh. They really kept me from losing it. I really wish I had taken a picture with all of them.

I am fortunate enough to have been extended a full time position with the company I interned for this past semester. I'm the concept designer for our software and I am happy to have a job in my field of study. I know many college graduates aren't so lucky but that is why I made the decision to pursue a technical degree.

I guess that is all. I had started this post the day after graduation but forgot to publish it. So, sorry it's so late.

Here are some graduation pictures and graduation senior pictures as well. :)

and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

This song has been on my mind a lot lately.

Particularly this part:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes.

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again.

Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera 

So summer school started last week and I was scared to start back. I have spent the past 2 months being sad, withdrawn, unproductive.

I am actually glad the semester started because it has distracted me from being sad as often.

Monday was the day before my first exam.

Also in what I consider my hardest course: Computer Programming Principles (CS 202).

I hate programming with a fiery hot passion that I can even explain.

When I woke up on Monday I felt a huge amount of anxiety.

I felt like I was going to cry any minute or anything could trigger me into a breakdown.

I met with 2 people on campus to study and had to fight back tears while studying.

By the time I got home close to 9pm I was ready to lose it.

I sat on the couch with my boyfriend and started crying.

Everything is/was upsetting me.

How hateful people have become over the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.

The innocent people that are getting hurt.

Talia Joy Castellano lost her battle with cancer.

I am really scared of disappointing everyone.

I am at that point where my life is going to be going one of two ways and it's going to kinda set the stage for the rest of my life.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of not being successful.

I'm scared of disappointing everyone that has invested in me and helped me this far.

I feel like I wouldn't be honoring Mom very much if I failed.

These things run through my mind over and over and over.

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and during the end where all the people Harry lost appear to him I lost it. I cried so hard.

I was thinking how amazing it would be if the spirit of someone you loved and lost showed up. 

To even have that moment.

For an instant - would be amazing.

As usual my boyfriend consoled me.

Gave me a little pep talk about being successful and what my mom would want.

On my first two projects in 202:

10/10

10/10

First exam

94/100

He said he's curving the exam 6 points.

So far in my computer science 350 class:

65.56/62

Yep - straight 100 there.

Exam tomorrow though.

As far as my Social Psychology class, I don't know. 

She hasn't given any grades yet. 

We just participate in a bunch of discussion questions.

We have our exam on Friday.

So, I'm feeling good. 

1 week down. 3 weeks to go.

My immediate reaction when I got my exam back today was to call Mom.

God I wanted to call her so bad and hear her be happy for me and encourage me.

She's so encouraging about education and good grades.

I loved that.

I always felt like such a disappointment if I didn't get what I think would be good enough for her.

Anyway,

I know I haven't updated in a bit so here it is. 

You probably won't see another update for about a week with 2 more exams coming up.

Someday you'll say that word and I will cry

So, yesterday I went to my one of my close cousin's for the 4th of July.

My cousin on my Mom's side of the family.

It was very comforting.
I also got to meet my little cousin who I may soon be helping compete in children's pageants.
(I look forward to this.)

I also want to note that I feel so blessed to be getting closer with that side of my family.

It's bittersweet to think that is because of Mom's passing.


My cousin Ashley & I on the 4th

Classes start Tuesday and I already started on my coursework yesterday.
Figured it'd be best to get ahead when taking 9 credit hours in a 1 month period.
I'm feeling excited about having something to work on and my mind not feeling consumed with sadness.
I feel like I'm actually working toward something instead of being stagnant and sad all the time.
So far I've received A's on my quizzes that I have completed and earned bonus points for finding errors.


This is going to be me with school work. lol

But everytime I begin to think about my overall goal I am reminded that Mom won't be there when I graduate.
She is the one person in my life who I knew was going to be the happiest about me getting my degree.
I will be the first female in my family to graduate with a college degree.
She wanted it so much for herself and for her children.



I am considering partnering up with the Brain Aneurysm Foundation and hosting a run/walk in the area.
This would help raise money for research and possibly how to prevent brain aneurysms from happening or detecting them before it's too late.
I'll have to see how I can work that into my schedule.

Those are my thoughts for now.

Music: Goodbye's (The Saddest Word)

I'll see you again, this is not where it ends

Dear Diary:

Sometimes in the middle of a good thing I will start crying.

I've also started being angry more often - like snappy without realizing it.

Getting upset over small things.

I don't know why.

If I'm not sad I just feel angry.

I'm not happy for very long if I do experience happiness.

We always joke about the "Jessica law of the universe".

Kinda like Murphy's law except "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong for Jessica".

I thought things were hard enough dealing with my health issues and depression.

But I always had Mom to talk to about it.

Now she's gone and all I think is, 

"Whhyyyyyy? Why do these things keep happening to me!?"

Today is the first time I have ever felt and believed Mom was with me.

People kept telling me it would happen and after 2 months and 13 days I just wasn't believing it.

I thought maybe because I'm not a very religious person that I wouldn't experience it.

Well today I registered for a pageant and as I got approved for my regional title I could hear Mom in my head cheering me on, being excited for me.

Later tonight I left to get groceries and I turned on the radio looking for a station and I stopped and on the station I stopped on "Kickstart My Heart" was playing and I KNEW that was her way of giving me a sign.

I sat in the parking lot to finish the song and cried and smiled.

I just knew.

They said when they give you a sign or are with you then you'll know.

I've been so mean to my boyfriend and I feel terrible about it.

It just happens and I seriously feel justified in my anger.

But later I realize how ridiculous I was being.

I don't know how he stands being around me sometimes.

I feel like I'm so negative.

But right now he's one of the few things in my life that is helping me maintain my sanity.

I am so grateful for him.

Today after I told him I registered for a pageant he told me that I had one of the most naturally beautiful faces he'd ever seen.

D'awww.

Things that make me happy these days:

1) Coke Icees

2) My boyfriend

3) My cats

4) The Office

School starts next Wednesday and I'm pretty scared.

I feel like I'm getting better but that is usually followed by a really bad day.

Fingers crossed that doesn't occur.

It'd be awesome to go an entire week without a breakdown due to immense sadness.

It's not hurting as bad.

I'm scared though of that pain coming back.

It's unbearable.

The worst physical pain I ever encountered was when I broke my back.

I would rather experience that again than to experience this emotional pain.

2 Sunday's ago I literally felt like I lost Mom all over again.

I remembered everything.

It replayed as if I was watching a movie and have to live through it all over again.

I remember watching the color leave her lips.

Having to call Grandma and tell her to get to the hospital.
My little brother walking in with my boyfriend and knowing we were going to have to tell him because I knew he'd want to know why weren't in Mom's room anymore when before we refused to leave it.

It was horrible.

and when I came inside later that night he was there waiting to hold me and let me cry myself into a splitting headache and say the usual nonsense I mutter about life not being fair.

But it is. 

One thing is for sure - 

we will all lose someone we care about in our life. 

Death is certain.

Oh yeah, it's so weird that Elena Gilbert & Harry Potter gifs encompass everything I'm feeling.

I guess they're fictional characters who have lost the ones they love too.

Just in more tragic/horrific ways.

Whatevs.

Where'd you go? I miss you so...

 Seems like its been forever that you've been gone -- Please come back home.

I actually wrote this a week ago (June 26th) but didn't post it because I hadn't found any images yet.
Sorry about that.
Tonight there will 2 posts back to back.


This quote is the one I had tattooed on me for me Mom.

My boyfriend refers me as "Jessica 2". 

I told him to get used to me crying every day. 

He said he didn't want to get used to anything to do with our current situation.

I feel like a burden.

I can't turn it off.

I can't turn off my sadness.

I'm either sad or I'm not.

I don't know what to do about this.

I know I'm causing him stress.

I know he's not going to abandon me or anything.

I just feel like I'm a difficult person and I don't like that.

Yesterday was a good day.

I did a lot.

I made a list last night and accomplished most of what I had on it.

I was so proud of myself.

I wore a necklace of my Mom's yesterday and I kinda felt like it gave me strength.

I was mostly happy.

It was nice not to have a bad day.

Today has been an insane day with politics and I really wish Mom was here to talk to about it.
She was a democrat and I consider myself to be a libertarian.
She used to pick on me and I even found a message the other day where she said "Get your republican panties out of a wad."
It made me laugh so hard.
I like to think though that she is proud of me for knowing what is going on in the world.

Today I have been feeling a lot of anxiety.
Sometimes I think about my life and who I am.
How much the person I am is because of my Mom.
It was shocking the first time I realized it.
To name a few:
1. My love for classic rock and live bands.
2. My current university.
3. My major.
4. Me being back in Texas after living in Alabama for so long.
5. My affinity for animals - especially cats.
6. My appreciation for what things cost and how much someone had to work to provide it.



Sometimes I feel like I can't go on without her in my life.
I know that's nonsense.
I'm more scared that going means I'm forgetting her.
I know that's nonsense too.
But it's how I feel and I can't help it



Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

Cowgirl don't cry

 Cowgirl don't cry - Ride, baby, ride - Lessons in life show us all in time - Too soon God lets you know why - If you fall get right back on - Good Lord calls everybody home - Cowgirl don't cry

So today has been so hard. Like one of the hardest day I've had in weeks.

Today I got up in the afternoon and laid in bed for about an hour.

Later Ryan asked me to pick him up from campus around 4:50pm.

When I went to get my keys I noticed a key was removed from my keychain set.

The key was sitting next to my Vera Bradley wristlet.

This key has a keychain photo of my Mom that someone made for me after she passed away.

Someone removed this from my full set of keys and didn't put it back.

I was upset that it could have been lost because I have 2 cats and they could have knocked it off the couch and it could have possibly been lost.

That set my mood for the rest of the day.

The anger I felt due to this was so fierce.

I could literally feel anxiety building up inside me.

My boyfriend got all of my anger. I felt bad and I wasn't mad at him but there was so much inside of me that I had to get out.

I had no one else to vent to.

I'm already very possessive of my stuff and don't like people using my things without asking me.

Even more so, I'm very clingy about things to do with Mom.

Have you seen the movie An Eye For An Eye? There is a scene where the spouse of this woman, who lost her older daughter, washes a pillow her younger daughter spilled ice cream on. The Mom comes out of her older daughter's room freaking out because the pillow was washed and the scent was gone. That was my level of a freak out today.

So after my boyfriend went back to campus I sat here and listened to music that made me think of Mom and cried hard. 

I was trying to cry myself out.

Get all the pain out for the day.

But it hasn't left me.

It's still here.

I don't know why today.

Everyone is telling me that 5 weeks is still very fresh and I know it.

I think I am just overwhelmed with everything that is coming up:
 finishing my CSC 211 course, 
starting PSY 311, 
CSC 202 
and CSC 350. 

Having to complete the latter 3 all in 1 month.

I'm hoping that it ends up consuming my mind and I can just put everything into that. 

I'm also worried about money.

I think one of my problems has been that I haven't been working and I don't have a physical class to attend. So if my boyfriend isn't home or I'm not sleeping then I am just left to my own thoughts and that is BAD.

I envy my sister because she has my nephew to occupy her.

But if I had a kid I'd probably be a crappy Mom right now.

I'm a crappy cat owner right now. :( 

My boyfriend said yesterday: "The children are suffering."

He was kidding and trying to make laugh. (It worked)

I know I am doing things that I shouldn't. 

Things that aren't really conducive to happy thoughts.

Staying up all night, sleeping all day.

Every week I tell myself that I am going to be productive and do things that I should.

I don't. 

OR

I do something productive.

and by that one thing I feel like I should be rewarded with an entire day of free time for doing something as simple as going to the Post Office or studying on campus.



The pain feels new today. Like my heart is re-breaking.
When I remember it seems like an eternity ago and at the same time it feels so new.



I beat myself up a little because the last time I saw her before the hospital was Thanksgiving.
I think, "I should have visited her more."
I know I can't change the past but it doesn't keep me from wishing that I could.
I remember talking to her the day of the aneurysm rupture.
We talked about how I was feeling because I was sick and had a fever that Monday.
She encouraged me to go to the doctor and checked on me via Facebook about how I was feeling.



I have been on edge about everything today.
I got mad because my boyfriend was watching TV and I was watching True Blood on my laptop and I could hear his show over mine.
I took my phone, headphones and stormed out of the house.
I was just so angry.
I went to the pool and listened to music and cried.

I came home and my boyfriend was waiting to comfort me.
He held me and I just cried heavily.



I told him,
"It's not fair." 
"I still need my Mom." 
"It feels like she was dying all over again."

Where words fail, music speaks

I'm going to list a bunch of songs that make me think of my Mom.

I know a lot of times people look for funeral songs. 

For our Mom's funeral we picked songs she loved instead of a bunch of sad songs.

She LOVED music and exposed my sister and I to a lot and I am thankful for that.

First I'll list the songs that we played at her funeral:

Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home 

Motley Crue - Without You 

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You 

*Beyonce - I Was Here 

Sarah McLaughlin - I Will Remember You 

Prince - Purple Rain 

*Kelly Clarkson - Go Rest High On That Mountain 

Guns n Roses - Don't Cry 

Guns n Roses - Sweet Child of Mine (requested of my Grandma)

Guns n Roses - Knocking on Heaven's Door (requested of my Grandma)

Spice Girls - Goodbye (my friend)

Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day 

* indicates favorites

Other songs:

Spice Girls - Mama

Puff Daddy & Faith Evans - I'll Be Missing You

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

My sister and I created this slideshow. She took it from powerpoint and uploaded it.

In Loving Memory

I'm ending this post prematurely because I am crying too much.

5 Weeks.

It's been 5 weeks since Mom passed away.

It's been very hard. I can't even describe. It's so hard to convey it to other people.

I'm having a hard time doing things. The things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm usually very on top of things. My things. My boyfriend's things. I know what's going on months in advance. I now rarely check my planner. I don't even really want to know what day of the week it is because it's possible that I might have slept through another week without accomplishing anything.

I WANT to do things, I just don't have the drive that pushes you to actually change something from a plan to a goal I guess.

I basically have to be told to do something.

Also lately I have been dreaming that Mom is still alive. I'll dream of her passing and then suddenly she's back and I can visit her and she's okay and everything is okay and how it should be. 

How it was before all of this.

My dreams have been so good lately that all I want to do is sleep. It's so much easier than facing the day.

I took 3 incompletes for the semester since Mom passed away. I am supposed to have been working on my CSC 211 coursework which only consists of 1 more project and studying for my final but I have such a hard time getting into a study mood. It just feels like its too much. Then I get upset with myself because I know Mom wouldn't want me being like this, being so sad she's gone, stopping my own life, but it's hard. I know she wouldn't want it but if she wasn't gone I wouldn't feel this way.

But she is.

And I do.

July 9th starts my second summer semester and I am registered for 6 hours because they told me I had to register for one more course or else I would lose my grant for summer school. So I will be registered and taking 2 classes and working on completing another class (CSC 202). Essentially I will be taking 9 hours because I will be attending the summer II course for 202 as well as the two I'm registered for.

I expected that by July I'd be over this enough to function well and get on with my life. But the way it seems right now, it's not going to be the case.

Thus I get mad at myself again.

I experience many feelings daily, sadness, guilt, anger at myself, confusion, loneliness.

It sucks.

Onto things that suck:

When someone says "She's watching over you." or "She's here with you."

I'm sorry but that does NOT help me feel better. That just reminds me that I'm sad because my Mom is gone from the world where I can reach out to her and hear her voice so clearly.

On a better note: 

I have a phenomenal boyfriend. He has tried helping me so much and I could not have asked for a better person to be a part of my life while going through this. He says he's going to help me through it and I believe it. I just sometimes feel bad because I think maybe he thinks this might pass sooner than he anticipated too and it just doesn't look like it.

They say the 1st year is the hardest. 

We're only 5 weeks into the first year of me not having my Mom anymore.

Can't Go Back - Rosi Golan

How am I gonna make it better if I can’t go back.

This is my first blog post on here. So, I guess I'll start by explaining the process in which I lost my Mom.

On Wednesday April 3rd around 7:30pm, I received a phone call from my grandmother, telling me that Mom had a stroke and she was being taken to the hospital in Austin, TX. I got teared up, hung up, told my boyfriend and began packing. It was a 4 hour drive and I got to the hospital around 12:30am. They called the doctor for me and I talked to him. He told me they would be doing a "coling" surgery in the morning. That morning the nurse came down and told us the procedure went well and the surgeon was closing her up. What felt to me like a long time had passed and then the doctor came down and pulled my grandmother, me, my little brother and my uncle into a consult room. The first thing the doctor said was "This is not the conversation I want to be having with you." He informed us that she had another rupture and her blood pressure skyrocketed up. He said that they could not currently assess what brain functionality she had but he gave her 24 - 48 hours to live. We were all devastated, as we were having to anticipate the impending death of my mother. Their daughter, sister, mom. I had to call my sister, who I had just told everything went well and tell her that she needed to get to Texas from Alabama ASAP. Over the next few days we all stayed in Austin, observing Mom. I came in daily and played her Motley Crue, Poison, Journey. Many of her favorite bands. I kept trying to bring her back. She'd open her eyes and look like she was trying to focus but couldn't quite figure things out. She would move her hands a bit and her legs. She also had some facial reactions which looked like she was in pain. On Monday afternoon (April 8th) , based on her progress I decided to come back to where I lived to resume classes. She was making progress. They said it would be very slow but she was doing much better than they ever anticipated. On Sunday April 14th I got a call from Grandma saying that during Mom's routine angiogram (to check on the vasospams in her brain), she went into cardiac arrest. 10 minutes had passed before I got a call back. I was told that they brought her back. I was so relieved. But I had experienced a world of heartbreak during that 10 minutes. The next day was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. It was also the day I was supposed to make up the exams I missed during my week at the hospital. I was so devastated from Sunday's events that I couldn't make it to class. My boyfriend and I decided going out would be best because it would make me happy and get my mind off the current situation. I stayed up all night Monday because I was very scared I was going to miss an important phone call. I had a feeling I just shouldn't sleep. I called the hospital at 8am Tuesday morning to check on my Mom and the nurse told me that she was non-responsive and that I should call any close family and tell them to come to the hospital.

When I got to Austin again on Tuesday (April 16th) and entered my Mom's room, something had changed. The air was different. The room felt empty. Mom didn't move anymore. They had completely removed the sedation and yet she still wasn't reacting. I talked to the neurosurgeon and asked him if there was anything he could do, even with a 5% chance of success. He said he had done everything he could medically but I could still have hope. I picked my sister up at the airport Wednesday and we began discussing Mom's future. We all (our immediate family) knew that she would not want to be in that state for the rest of her life. It wouldn't be much of a life. Despite her handicap of her peripheral neuropathy, Mom still had full functionality of her brain and could do other things. But this was not what should would have wanted.

Mom is disabled. She receives various types of assistance to help her since she has been wheelchair bound for 7 years. We knew she had no life insurance. We started to research funerals and costs and realized how expensive it was. We had no idea how we were going to pay for this.
We then tried to think in terms of money,
"Okay, we don't need a funeral. We can have a memorial later." 
"We just need to get her buried with family." 
"Even just burying her is too much." 
"I don't want to cremate her...it doesn't feel right." 
I set up a donation fund on Wednesday night. By Thursday we had only raised 1/3 of the cost of a funeral. We couldn't leave Mom on life support much longer. It wasn't right trapping her like that. We gave ourselves until 5pm on Friday or we were going to have to concede to having our mother cremated. We didn't want to do this. Mom left no will or anything indicating what she would have wanted. Who anticipates losing their mom when she is only 44 anyway? I called every agency I could find.
"There currently aren't any funds."
"Just cremate her."
Around 3pm on Friday (April 19th) I started to get distraught. I was having to accept we were going to have to cremate her. "Fine." I said, "I'm still going to bury her." I was able to talk the funeral home and cemetery down a good bit from what they quoted me. By Friday at 4:30pm (30 minutes before the deadline we set) we got news that we would have enough due to some much needed assistance that came through.  We could not believe it. The kindness and generosity of the people within our family and circle of friends is beyond me. I cannot believe and I am so proud of the caliber of people we surround ourselves with.

 The relief I experienced is hard to explain.

On Saturday April 20th at 11am we withdrew care. She passed away at 8:27pm. My sister and I had been alternating being in her room all day and she was never alone. Around 8:20 we decided we were hungry and we were going to ask our Dad (who came from Florida to be with us) to get us some food. As we entered the ICU waiting room to talk to him the nurse ran up behind us telling us to hurry and come back that she was passing. We ran into her room and her respirations had lowered to just 1 per minute. I started calling my Grandmother and telling her she needed to get there stat. I didn't tell her Mom was gone yet. My sister watched her take her last breath. We believe that Mom was being stubborn (as she always is) and wanted us out of her room to pass. But little did she know, we are also stubborn and got back in time.

So then came the planning of a funeral. 

My Mom's funeral.
The first funeral of someone very close to me I have ever attended.
 I previously had only attended two funerals (that I can recall).

I prayed to God for strength to get through it.

He came through there.

Her funeral was Tuesday April 23rd in Houston, TX. The place she was born and has many memories throughout her life. She is buried with her grandmother and uncle. I received many blessings during this hard time. From the donations and the people who made her funeral and burial possible to my former hotel managers helping me get discounted rooms for myself and family. I can't even express my gratitude. I knew we were doing the right thing because of all the good things that were coming our way in the process. I have never been more proud of what I accomplished in my life. I spoke at Mom's funeral because we did not have a preacher or any religious leader due to us knowing Mom believes in an array of things and we wanted this to be for her. We played music throughout the entire funeral just like we thought she would have wanted.

Ever since the funeral ended I feel lost.
I will plan to go out or to do something, go to class, whatever...and then I can't. I just start to cry.
I know Mom wouldn't want me to stop living and I don't want to stop living.
It's just hard...
I don't know if this is how everyone feels when losing a parent, if I'm reacting differently or what.

I got a tattoo to memorialize Mom.

In the last Harry Potter book before Harry goes to fight Lord Voldemort in their final battle, he realizes that he may not live. He sees the spirits of those who had been lost in the fight against Voldemort surround him. His parents are both at his side and he says, "You'll stay with me?" to which his father replies "Until the very end." I wanted this quote because I stayed with Mom until her last breath Saturday April 20, 2013 at 8:27pm.

I really miss her. I'm very accustomed to being able to call her in between classes or when I'm feeling down or when I just need advice. I was noticing how much alike we are as I've been growing up in the past few years of early adulthood and so it's been very helpful to have her guide me through things. Things I used to be so mad at her for as a kid, I am over. I see her reasoning. I understand. I know she did some things that sucked. But she was a young Mom and I can only imagine how scary that must have been. She did so much for us on her own. Sacrificing, working doubles. It's so different now that she's gone and now that I know these things.

Everything is different.

Song: Can't Go Back - Rosi Golan