5 Weeks.

It's been 5 weeks since Mom passed away.

It's been very hard. I can't even describe. It's so hard to convey it to other people.

I'm having a hard time doing things. The things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm usually very on top of things. My things. My boyfriend's things. I know what's going on months in advance. I now rarely check my planner. I don't even really want to know what day of the week it is because it's possible that I might have slept through another week without accomplishing anything.

I WANT to do things, I just don't have the drive that pushes you to actually change something from a plan to a goal I guess.

I basically have to be told to do something.

Also lately I have been dreaming that Mom is still alive. I'll dream of her passing and then suddenly she's back and I can visit her and she's okay and everything is okay and how it should be. 

How it was before all of this.

My dreams have been so good lately that all I want to do is sleep. It's so much easier than facing the day.

I took 3 incompletes for the semester since Mom passed away. I am supposed to have been working on my CSC 211 coursework which only consists of 1 more project and studying for my final but I have such a hard time getting into a study mood. It just feels like its too much. Then I get upset with myself because I know Mom wouldn't want me being like this, being so sad she's gone, stopping my own life, but it's hard. I know she wouldn't want it but if she wasn't gone I wouldn't feel this way.

But she is.

And I do.

July 9th starts my second summer semester and I am registered for 6 hours because they told me I had to register for one more course or else I would lose my grant for summer school. So I will be registered and taking 2 classes and working on completing another class (CSC 202). Essentially I will be taking 9 hours because I will be attending the summer II course for 202 as well as the two I'm registered for.

I expected that by July I'd be over this enough to function well and get on with my life. But the way it seems right now, it's not going to be the case.

Thus I get mad at myself again.

I experience many feelings daily, sadness, guilt, anger at myself, confusion, loneliness.

It sucks.

Onto things that suck:

When someone says "She's watching over you." or "She's here with you."

I'm sorry but that does NOT help me feel better. That just reminds me that I'm sad because my Mom is gone from the world where I can reach out to her and hear her voice so clearly.

On a better note: 

I have a phenomenal boyfriend. He has tried helping me so much and I could not have asked for a better person to be a part of my life while going through this. He says he's going to help me through it and I believe it. I just sometimes feel bad because I think maybe he thinks this might pass sooner than he anticipated too and it just doesn't look like it.

They say the 1st year is the hardest. 

We're only 5 weeks into the first year of me not having my Mom anymore.

Can't Go Back - Rosi Golan