This is my first blog post on here. So, I guess I'll start by explaining the process in which I lost my Mom.
On Wednesday April 3rd around 7:30pm, I received a phone call from my grandmother, telling me that Mom had a stroke and she was being taken to the hospital in Austin, TX. I got teared up, hung up, told my boyfriend and began packing. It was a 4 hour drive and I got to the hospital around 12:30am. They called the doctor for me and I talked to him. He told me they would be doing a "coling" surgery in the morning. That morning the nurse came down and told us the procedure went well and the surgeon was closing her up. What felt to me like a long time had passed and then the doctor came down and pulled my grandmother, me, my little brother and my uncle into a consult room. The first thing the doctor said was "This is not the conversation I want to be having with you." He informed us that she had another rupture and her blood pressure skyrocketed up. He said that they could not currently assess what brain functionality she had but he gave her 24 - 48 hours to live. We were all devastated, as we were having to anticipate the impending death of my mother. Their daughter, sister, mom. I had to call my sister, who I had just told everything went well and tell her that she needed to get to Texas from Alabama ASAP. Over the next few days we all stayed in Austin, observing Mom. I came in daily and played her Motley Crue, Poison, Journey. Many of her favorite bands. I kept trying to bring her back. She'd open her eyes and look like she was trying to focus but couldn't quite figure things out. She would move her hands a bit and her legs. She also had some facial reactions which looked like she was in pain. On Monday afternoon (April 8th) , based on her progress I decided to come back to where I lived to resume classes. She was making progress. They said it would be very slow but she was doing much better than they ever anticipated. On Sunday April 14th I got a call from Grandma saying that during Mom's routine angiogram (to check on the vasospams in her brain), she went into cardiac arrest. 10 minutes had passed before I got a call back. I was told that they brought her back. I was so relieved. But I had experienced a world of heartbreak during that 10 minutes. The next day was my 2 year anniversary with my boyfriend. It was also the day I was supposed to make up the exams I missed during my week at the hospital. I was so devastated from Sunday's events that I couldn't make it to class. My boyfriend and I decided going out would be best because it would make me happy and get my mind off the current situation. I stayed up all night Monday because I was very scared I was going to miss an important phone call. I had a feeling I just shouldn't sleep. I called the hospital at 8am Tuesday morning to check on my Mom and the nurse told me that she was non-responsive and that I should call any close family and tell them to come to the hospital.
When I got to Austin again on Tuesday (April 16th) and entered my Mom's room, something had changed. The air was different. The room felt empty. Mom didn't move anymore. They had completely removed the sedation and yet she still wasn't reacting. I talked to the neurosurgeon and asked him if there was anything he could do, even with a 5% chance of success. He said he had done everything he could medically but I could still have hope. I picked my sister up at the airport Wednesday and we began discussing Mom's future. We all (our immediate family) knew that she would not want to be in that state for the rest of her life. It wouldn't be much of a life. Despite her handicap of her peripheral neuropathy, Mom still had full functionality of her brain and could do other things. But this was not what should would have wanted.
Mom is disabled. She receives various types of assistance to help her since she has been wheelchair bound for 7 years. We knew she had no life insurance. We started to research funerals and costs and realized how expensive it was. We had no idea how we were going to pay for this.
We then tried to think in terms of money,
"Okay, we don't need a funeral. We can have a memorial later."
"We just need to get her buried with family."
"Even just burying her is too much."
"I don't want to cremate her...it doesn't feel right."
I set up a donation fund on Wednesday night. By Thursday we had only raised 1/3 of the cost of a funeral. We couldn't leave Mom on life support much longer. It wasn't right trapping her like that. We gave ourselves until 5pm on Friday or we were going to have to concede to having our mother cremated. We didn't want to do this. Mom left no will or anything indicating what she would have wanted. Who anticipates losing their mom when she is only 44 anyway? I called every agency I could find.
"There currently aren't any funds."
"Just cremate her."
Around 3pm on Friday (April 19th) I started to get distraught. I was having to accept we were going to have to cremate her. "Fine." I said, "I'm still going to bury her." I was able to talk the funeral home and cemetery down a good bit from what they quoted me. By Friday at 4:30pm (30 minutes before the deadline we set) we got news that we would have enough due to some much needed assistance that came through. We could not believe it. The kindness and generosity of the people within our family and circle of friends is beyond me. I cannot believe and I am so proud of the caliber of people we surround ourselves with.
Mom is disabled. She receives various types of assistance to help her since she has been wheelchair bound for 7 years. We knew she had no life insurance. We started to research funerals and costs and realized how expensive it was. We had no idea how we were going to pay for this.
We then tried to think in terms of money,
"Okay, we don't need a funeral. We can have a memorial later."
"We just need to get her buried with family."
"Even just burying her is too much."
"I don't want to cremate her...it doesn't feel right."
I set up a donation fund on Wednesday night. By Thursday we had only raised 1/3 of the cost of a funeral. We couldn't leave Mom on life support much longer. It wasn't right trapping her like that. We gave ourselves until 5pm on Friday or we were going to have to concede to having our mother cremated. We didn't want to do this. Mom left no will or anything indicating what she would have wanted. Who anticipates losing their mom when she is only 44 anyway? I called every agency I could find.
"There currently aren't any funds."
"Just cremate her."
Around 3pm on Friday (April 19th) I started to get distraught. I was having to accept we were going to have to cremate her. "Fine." I said, "I'm still going to bury her." I was able to talk the funeral home and cemetery down a good bit from what they quoted me. By Friday at 4:30pm (30 minutes before the deadline we set) we got news that we would have enough due to some much needed assistance that came through. We could not believe it. The kindness and generosity of the people within our family and circle of friends is beyond me. I cannot believe and I am so proud of the caliber of people we surround ourselves with.
The relief I experienced is hard to explain.
On Saturday April 20th at 11am we withdrew care. She passed away at 8:27pm. My sister and I had been alternating being in her room all day and she was never alone. Around 8:20 we decided we were hungry and we were going to ask our Dad (who came from Florida to be with us) to get us some food. As we entered the ICU waiting room to talk to him the nurse ran up behind us telling us to hurry and come back that she was passing. We ran into her room and her respirations had lowered to just 1 per minute. I started calling my Grandmother and telling her she needed to get there stat. I didn't tell her Mom was gone yet. My sister watched her take her last breath. We believe that Mom was being stubborn (as she always is) and wanted us out of her room to pass. But little did she know, we are also stubborn and got back in time.
On Saturday April 20th at 11am we withdrew care. She passed away at 8:27pm. My sister and I had been alternating being in her room all day and she was never alone. Around 8:20 we decided we were hungry and we were going to ask our Dad (who came from Florida to be with us) to get us some food. As we entered the ICU waiting room to talk to him the nurse ran up behind us telling us to hurry and come back that she was passing. We ran into her room and her respirations had lowered to just 1 per minute. I started calling my Grandmother and telling her she needed to get there stat. I didn't tell her Mom was gone yet. My sister watched her take her last breath. We believe that Mom was being stubborn (as she always is) and wanted us out of her room to pass. But little did she know, we are also stubborn and got back in time.
So then came the planning of a funeral.
My Mom's funeral.
The first funeral of someone very close to me I have ever attended.
I previously had only attended two funerals (that I can recall).
The first funeral of someone very close to me I have ever attended.
I previously had only attended two funerals (that I can recall).
I prayed to God for strength to get through it.
He came through there.
Her funeral was Tuesday April 23rd in Houston, TX. The place she was born and has many memories throughout her life. She is buried with her grandmother and uncle. I received many blessings during this hard time. From the donations and the people who made her funeral and burial possible to my former hotel managers helping me get discounted rooms for myself and family. I can't even express my gratitude. I knew we were doing the right thing because of all the good things that were coming our way in the process. I have never been more proud of what I accomplished in my life. I spoke at Mom's funeral because we did not have a preacher or any religious leader due to us knowing Mom believes in an array of things and we wanted this to be for her. We played music throughout the entire funeral just like we thought she would have wanted.
Ever since the funeral ended I feel lost.
I will plan to go out or to do something, go to class, whatever...and then I can't. I just start to cry.
I know Mom wouldn't want me to stop living and I don't want to stop living.
It's just hard...
I don't know if this is how everyone feels when losing a parent, if I'm reacting differently or what.
I got a tattoo to memorialize Mom.
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I really miss her. I'm very accustomed to being able to call her in between classes or when I'm feeling down or when I just need advice. I was noticing how much alike we are as I've been growing up in the past few years of early adulthood and so it's been very helpful to have her guide me through things. Things I used to be so mad at her for as a kid, I am over. I see her reasoning. I understand. I know she did some things that sucked. But she was a young Mom and I can only imagine how scary that must have been. She did so much for us on her own. Sacrificing, working doubles. It's so different now that she's gone and now that I know these things.
Everything is different.
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