I'll see you again, this is not where it ends

Dear Diary:

Sometimes in the middle of a good thing I will start crying.

I've also started being angry more often - like snappy without realizing it.

Getting upset over small things.

I don't know why.

If I'm not sad I just feel angry.

I'm not happy for very long if I do experience happiness.

We always joke about the "Jessica law of the universe".

Kinda like Murphy's law except "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong for Jessica".

I thought things were hard enough dealing with my health issues and depression.

But I always had Mom to talk to about it.

Now she's gone and all I think is, 

"Whhyyyyyy? Why do these things keep happening to me!?"

Today is the first time I have ever felt and believed Mom was with me.

People kept telling me it would happen and after 2 months and 13 days I just wasn't believing it.

I thought maybe because I'm not a very religious person that I wouldn't experience it.

Well today I registered for a pageant and as I got approved for my regional title I could hear Mom in my head cheering me on, being excited for me.

Later tonight I left to get groceries and I turned on the radio looking for a station and I stopped and on the station I stopped on "Kickstart My Heart" was playing and I KNEW that was her way of giving me a sign.

I sat in the parking lot to finish the song and cried and smiled.

I just knew.

They said when they give you a sign or are with you then you'll know.

I've been so mean to my boyfriend and I feel terrible about it.

It just happens and I seriously feel justified in my anger.

But later I realize how ridiculous I was being.

I don't know how he stands being around me sometimes.

I feel like I'm so negative.

But right now he's one of the few things in my life that is helping me maintain my sanity.

I am so grateful for him.

Today after I told him I registered for a pageant he told me that I had one of the most naturally beautiful faces he'd ever seen.

D'awww.

Things that make me happy these days:

1) Coke Icees

2) My boyfriend

3) My cats

4) The Office

School starts next Wednesday and I'm pretty scared.

I feel like I'm getting better but that is usually followed by a really bad day.

Fingers crossed that doesn't occur.

It'd be awesome to go an entire week without a breakdown due to immense sadness.

It's not hurting as bad.

I'm scared though of that pain coming back.

It's unbearable.

The worst physical pain I ever encountered was when I broke my back.

I would rather experience that again than to experience this emotional pain.

2 Sunday's ago I literally felt like I lost Mom all over again.

I remembered everything.

It replayed as if I was watching a movie and have to live through it all over again.

I remember watching the color leave her lips.

Having to call Grandma and tell her to get to the hospital.
My little brother walking in with my boyfriend and knowing we were going to have to tell him because I knew he'd want to know why weren't in Mom's room anymore when before we refused to leave it.

It was horrible.

and when I came inside later that night he was there waiting to hold me and let me cry myself into a splitting headache and say the usual nonsense I mutter about life not being fair.

But it is. 

One thing is for sure - 

we will all lose someone we care about in our life. 

Death is certain.

Oh yeah, it's so weird that Elena Gilbert & Harry Potter gifs encompass everything I'm feeling.

I guess they're fictional characters who have lost the ones they love too.

Just in more tragic/horrific ways.

Whatevs.