Are you there God? It's me, Jessica.

So something new in my life since losing Mom.

I have started praying more.

I pray for our country.

I pray for my friends and family.

I pray for my friends' family.

I pray for the sick, the wounded, the poor, the government, everyone.


Jackie Kennedy praying at St. Edwards church after her husband's death in 1968

Then I get confused because I don't know what I believe.

I think I want to believe in God more because I want to believe that Mom is with him.

I see all these things saying that God has a plan for us and sometimes I think Mom was meant to pass away when she did for many reasons. 

Maybe to keep me from failing the semester and getting a second chance.

I don't know.

I am so confused but I really want to believe.

I just don't understand how God has a plan for us and yet we have free will.

I don't understand why we have to accept Jesus if God already knows what we're going to do.

I don't understand why I have to accept Jesus to be close to God.

Maybe I need to go to church. 

Just in my previous experience the majority of people attending church are hypocrites.

Now this was when I lived in Alabama and in a small town and things could be different here.

I could start attending Lakewood in Houston when I'm there.

I've heard good things about that place.

I just feel lost.

Maybe I feel so lost and that is what's bringing me closer to God.

Maybe God is working on my heart and I know it and I'm trying to find out how to be closer.

So much confusion....