This song has been on my mind a lot lately.
Particularly this part:
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there
So summer school started last week and I was scared to start back. I have spent the past 2 months being sad, withdrawn, unproductive.
I am actually glad the semester started because it has distracted me from being sad as often.
Monday was the day before my first exam.
Also in what I consider my hardest course: Computer Programming Principles (CS 202).
I hate programming with a fiery hot passion that I can even explain.
When I woke up on Monday I felt a huge amount of anxiety.
I felt like I was going to cry any minute or anything could trigger me into a breakdown.
I met with 2 people on campus to study and had to fight back tears while studying.
By the time I got home close to 9pm I was ready to lose it.
I sat on the couch with my boyfriend and started crying.
Everything is/was upsetting me.
How hateful people have become over the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.
The innocent people that are getting hurt.
Talia Joy Castellano lost her battle with cancer.
I am really scared of disappointing everyone.
I am at that point where my life is going to be going one of two ways and it's going to kinda set the stage for the rest of my life.
I'm scared of failing.
I'm scared of not being successful.
I'm scared of disappointing everyone that has invested in me and helped me this far.
I feel like I wouldn't be honoring Mom very much if I failed.
These things run through my mind over and over and over.
I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and during the end where all the people Harry lost appear to him I lost it. I cried so hard.
I was thinking how amazing it would be if the spirit of someone you loved and lost showed up.
To even have that moment.
For an instant - would be amazing.
As usual my boyfriend consoled me.
Gave me a little pep talk about being successful and what my mom would want.
On my first two projects in 202:
10/10
10/10
First exam
94/100
He said he's curving the exam 6 points.
So far in my computer science 350 class:
65.56/62
Yep - straight 100 there.
Exam tomorrow though.
As far as my Social Psychology class, I don't know.
She hasn't given any grades yet.
We just participate in a bunch of discussion questions.
We have our exam on Friday.
So, I'm feeling good.
1 week down. 3 weeks to go.
My immediate reaction when I got my exam back today was to call Mom.
God I wanted to call her so bad and hear her be happy for me and encourage me.
She's so encouraging about education and good grades.
I loved that.
I always felt like such a disappointment if I didn't get what I think would be good enough for her.
Anyway,
I know I haven't updated in a bit so here it is.
You probably won't see another update for about a week with 2 more exams coming up.
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