and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

This song has been on my mind a lot lately.

Particularly this part:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes.

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again.

Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera 

So summer school started last week and I was scared to start back. I have spent the past 2 months being sad, withdrawn, unproductive.

I am actually glad the semester started because it has distracted me from being sad as often.

Monday was the day before my first exam.

Also in what I consider my hardest course: Computer Programming Principles (CS 202).

I hate programming with a fiery hot passion that I can even explain.

When I woke up on Monday I felt a huge amount of anxiety.

I felt like I was going to cry any minute or anything could trigger me into a breakdown.

I met with 2 people on campus to study and had to fight back tears while studying.

By the time I got home close to 9pm I was ready to lose it.

I sat on the couch with my boyfriend and started crying.

Everything is/was upsetting me.

How hateful people have become over the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.

The innocent people that are getting hurt.

Talia Joy Castellano lost her battle with cancer.

I am really scared of disappointing everyone.

I am at that point where my life is going to be going one of two ways and it's going to kinda set the stage for the rest of my life.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of not being successful.

I'm scared of disappointing everyone that has invested in me and helped me this far.

I feel like I wouldn't be honoring Mom very much if I failed.

These things run through my mind over and over and over.

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and during the end where all the people Harry lost appear to him I lost it. I cried so hard.

I was thinking how amazing it would be if the spirit of someone you loved and lost showed up. 

To even have that moment.

For an instant - would be amazing.

As usual my boyfriend consoled me.

Gave me a little pep talk about being successful and what my mom would want.

On my first two projects in 202:

10/10

10/10

First exam

94/100

He said he's curving the exam 6 points.

So far in my computer science 350 class:

65.56/62

Yep - straight 100 there.

Exam tomorrow though.

As far as my Social Psychology class, I don't know. 

She hasn't given any grades yet. 

We just participate in a bunch of discussion questions.

We have our exam on Friday.

So, I'm feeling good. 

1 week down. 3 weeks to go.

My immediate reaction when I got my exam back today was to call Mom.

God I wanted to call her so bad and hear her be happy for me and encourage me.

She's so encouraging about education and good grades.

I loved that.

I always felt like such a disappointment if I didn't get what I think would be good enough for her.

Anyway,

I know I haven't updated in a bit so here it is. 

You probably won't see another update for about a week with 2 more exams coming up.

Cowgirl don't cry

 Cowgirl don't cry - Ride, baby, ride - Lessons in life show us all in time - Too soon God lets you know why - If you fall get right back on - Good Lord calls everybody home - Cowgirl don't cry

So today has been so hard. Like one of the hardest day I've had in weeks.

Today I got up in the afternoon and laid in bed for about an hour.

Later Ryan asked me to pick him up from campus around 4:50pm.

When I went to get my keys I noticed a key was removed from my keychain set.

The key was sitting next to my Vera Bradley wristlet.

This key has a keychain photo of my Mom that someone made for me after she passed away.

Someone removed this from my full set of keys and didn't put it back.

I was upset that it could have been lost because I have 2 cats and they could have knocked it off the couch and it could have possibly been lost.

That set my mood for the rest of the day.

The anger I felt due to this was so fierce.

I could literally feel anxiety building up inside me.

My boyfriend got all of my anger. I felt bad and I wasn't mad at him but there was so much inside of me that I had to get out.

I had no one else to vent to.

I'm already very possessive of my stuff and don't like people using my things without asking me.

Even more so, I'm very clingy about things to do with Mom.

Have you seen the movie An Eye For An Eye? There is a scene where the spouse of this woman, who lost her older daughter, washes a pillow her younger daughter spilled ice cream on. The Mom comes out of her older daughter's room freaking out because the pillow was washed and the scent was gone. That was my level of a freak out today.

So after my boyfriend went back to campus I sat here and listened to music that made me think of Mom and cried hard. 

I was trying to cry myself out.

Get all the pain out for the day.

But it hasn't left me.

It's still here.

I don't know why today.

Everyone is telling me that 5 weeks is still very fresh and I know it.

I think I am just overwhelmed with everything that is coming up:
 finishing my CSC 211 course, 
starting PSY 311, 
CSC 202 
and CSC 350. 

Having to complete the latter 3 all in 1 month.

I'm hoping that it ends up consuming my mind and I can just put everything into that. 

I'm also worried about money.

I think one of my problems has been that I haven't been working and I don't have a physical class to attend. So if my boyfriend isn't home or I'm not sleeping then I am just left to my own thoughts and that is BAD.

I envy my sister because she has my nephew to occupy her.

But if I had a kid I'd probably be a crappy Mom right now.

I'm a crappy cat owner right now. :( 

My boyfriend said yesterday: "The children are suffering."

He was kidding and trying to make laugh. (It worked)

I know I am doing things that I shouldn't. 

Things that aren't really conducive to happy thoughts.

Staying up all night, sleeping all day.

Every week I tell myself that I am going to be productive and do things that I should.

I don't. 

OR

I do something productive.

and by that one thing I feel like I should be rewarded with an entire day of free time for doing something as simple as going to the Post Office or studying on campus.



The pain feels new today. Like my heart is re-breaking.
When I remember it seems like an eternity ago and at the same time it feels so new.



I beat myself up a little because the last time I saw her before the hospital was Thanksgiving.
I think, "I should have visited her more."
I know I can't change the past but it doesn't keep me from wishing that I could.
I remember talking to her the day of the aneurysm rupture.
We talked about how I was feeling because I was sick and had a fever that Monday.
She encouraged me to go to the doctor and checked on me via Facebook about how I was feeling.



I have been on edge about everything today.
I got mad because my boyfriend was watching TV and I was watching True Blood on my laptop and I could hear his show over mine.
I took my phone, headphones and stormed out of the house.
I was just so angry.
I went to the pool and listened to music and cried.

I came home and my boyfriend was waiting to comfort me.
He held me and I just cried heavily.



I told him,
"It's not fair." 
"I still need my Mom." 
"It feels like she was dying all over again."