100 Months

It has been 100 months since my Mom passed away. Her loss was the first hard loss I have ever encountered in my life. I was not prepared as she was young and it was sudden. I was not prepared as I had never experienced grief before. I was not prepared as losing a parent or a parent like figure was not something I had experienced.

I was withdrawn. I was so sensitive. I would randomly cry all the time. I could be doing homework and start crying. I could be in the classroom of one of my college courses and just start silently crying. I hated going anywhere or being around people because I knew I could have a breakdown any minute and I didn't want the "What's wrong?" questions being asked. No one is ever prepared for the answer "My mom is dead - that's whats wrong." I started to just avoid going out and being around people or in crowds of people who didn't really know what I was going through. A lot of people who did not know me perceived me as a bitch because I would come off as cold. I poured myself into my schoolwork to try to not think about the loss all of the time. Even with the intense focus on school I was barely pulling good grades. It was enough to pass. It's hard to push the sadness aside to live your life.

So here I am - experiencing probably the 2nd most painful loss of my entire life. My Grandmother. Who was such an amazing woman. I am so lucky to have known her almost 34 years of my life. She was ALWAYS there. She was such a solid piece of my life. I could count on her. I loved her so much. I don't even have words for how much I loved her. It's been 8 years since I lost my Mom. The first year was so hard. I barely remember it. I don't want to lose myself again with this loss. I feel like my experience with Mom should have prepared me for this. But I still am finding myself not knowing what to do. 

Today I had my first moment of going to call Grandma. Followed by the realization that I could not call her. That she would not answer. That's another punch to the gut. Another twist of the knife in my heart.

I have decided to schedule some grief therapy to maybe try to get ahead on ways to cope with this. This last week has been hard. I've just been so tired. All I want to do is sleep. Like when I'm very depressed. When I'm awake I am so sad. It takes a lot for me to try to not feel that sadness. It takes a lot of energy just to focus on work. I need help. I need to know how to navigate through this in a healthy way to where I don't lose myself, my life, my job and let everything I care about and have worked hard for fall by the wayside