and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

This song has been on my mind a lot lately.

Particularly this part:

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were but I walked away

If only I knew what I know today

Ooh ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you've done

Forgive all your mistakes.

There's nothing I wouldn't do

To hear your voice again.

Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Music: Hurt - Christina Aguilera 

So summer school started last week and I was scared to start back. I have spent the past 2 months being sad, withdrawn, unproductive.

I am actually glad the semester started because it has distracted me from being sad as often.

Monday was the day before my first exam.

Also in what I consider my hardest course: Computer Programming Principles (CS 202).

I hate programming with a fiery hot passion that I can even explain.

When I woke up on Monday I felt a huge amount of anxiety.

I felt like I was going to cry any minute or anything could trigger me into a breakdown.

I met with 2 people on campus to study and had to fight back tears while studying.

By the time I got home close to 9pm I was ready to lose it.

I sat on the couch with my boyfriend and started crying.

Everything is/was upsetting me.

How hateful people have become over the verdict of the Zimmerman trial.

The innocent people that are getting hurt.

Talia Joy Castellano lost her battle with cancer.

I am really scared of disappointing everyone.

I am at that point where my life is going to be going one of two ways and it's going to kinda set the stage for the rest of my life.

I'm scared of failing.

I'm scared of not being successful.

I'm scared of disappointing everyone that has invested in me and helped me this far.

I feel like I wouldn't be honoring Mom very much if I failed.

These things run through my mind over and over and over.

I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and during the end where all the people Harry lost appear to him I lost it. I cried so hard.

I was thinking how amazing it would be if the spirit of someone you loved and lost showed up. 

To even have that moment.

For an instant - would be amazing.

As usual my boyfriend consoled me.

Gave me a little pep talk about being successful and what my mom would want.

On my first two projects in 202:

10/10

10/10

First exam

94/100

He said he's curving the exam 6 points.

So far in my computer science 350 class:

65.56/62

Yep - straight 100 there.

Exam tomorrow though.

As far as my Social Psychology class, I don't know. 

She hasn't given any grades yet. 

We just participate in a bunch of discussion questions.

We have our exam on Friday.

So, I'm feeling good. 

1 week down. 3 weeks to go.

My immediate reaction when I got my exam back today was to call Mom.

God I wanted to call her so bad and hear her be happy for me and encourage me.

She's so encouraging about education and good grades.

I loved that.

I always felt like such a disappointment if I didn't get what I think would be good enough for her.

Anyway,

I know I haven't updated in a bit so here it is. 

You probably won't see another update for about a week with 2 more exams coming up.

Someday you'll say that word and I will cry

So, yesterday I went to my one of my close cousin's for the 4th of July.

My cousin on my Mom's side of the family.

It was very comforting.
I also got to meet my little cousin who I may soon be helping compete in children's pageants.
(I look forward to this.)

I also want to note that I feel so blessed to be getting closer with that side of my family.

It's bittersweet to think that is because of Mom's passing.


My cousin Ashley & I on the 4th

Classes start Tuesday and I already started on my coursework yesterday.
Figured it'd be best to get ahead when taking 9 credit hours in a 1 month period.
I'm feeling excited about having something to work on and my mind not feeling consumed with sadness.
I feel like I'm actually working toward something instead of being stagnant and sad all the time.
So far I've received A's on my quizzes that I have completed and earned bonus points for finding errors.


This is going to be me with school work. lol

But everytime I begin to think about my overall goal I am reminded that Mom won't be there when I graduate.
She is the one person in my life who I knew was going to be the happiest about me getting my degree.
I will be the first female in my family to graduate with a college degree.
She wanted it so much for herself and for her children.



I am considering partnering up with the Brain Aneurysm Foundation and hosting a run/walk in the area.
This would help raise money for research and possibly how to prevent brain aneurysms from happening or detecting them before it's too late.
I'll have to see how I can work that into my schedule.

Those are my thoughts for now.

Music: Goodbye's (The Saddest Word)

I'll see you again, this is not where it ends

Dear Diary:

Sometimes in the middle of a good thing I will start crying.

I've also started being angry more often - like snappy without realizing it.

Getting upset over small things.

I don't know why.

If I'm not sad I just feel angry.

I'm not happy for very long if I do experience happiness.

We always joke about the "Jessica law of the universe".

Kinda like Murphy's law except "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong for Jessica".

I thought things were hard enough dealing with my health issues and depression.

But I always had Mom to talk to about it.

Now she's gone and all I think is, 

"Whhyyyyyy? Why do these things keep happening to me!?"

Today is the first time I have ever felt and believed Mom was with me.

People kept telling me it would happen and after 2 months and 13 days I just wasn't believing it.

I thought maybe because I'm not a very religious person that I wouldn't experience it.

Well today I registered for a pageant and as I got approved for my regional title I could hear Mom in my head cheering me on, being excited for me.

Later tonight I left to get groceries and I turned on the radio looking for a station and I stopped and on the station I stopped on "Kickstart My Heart" was playing and I KNEW that was her way of giving me a sign.

I sat in the parking lot to finish the song and cried and smiled.

I just knew.

They said when they give you a sign or are with you then you'll know.

I've been so mean to my boyfriend and I feel terrible about it.

It just happens and I seriously feel justified in my anger.

But later I realize how ridiculous I was being.

I don't know how he stands being around me sometimes.

I feel like I'm so negative.

But right now he's one of the few things in my life that is helping me maintain my sanity.

I am so grateful for him.

Today after I told him I registered for a pageant he told me that I had one of the most naturally beautiful faces he'd ever seen.

D'awww.

Things that make me happy these days:

1) Coke Icees

2) My boyfriend

3) My cats

4) The Office

School starts next Wednesday and I'm pretty scared.

I feel like I'm getting better but that is usually followed by a really bad day.

Fingers crossed that doesn't occur.

It'd be awesome to go an entire week without a breakdown due to immense sadness.

It's not hurting as bad.

I'm scared though of that pain coming back.

It's unbearable.

The worst physical pain I ever encountered was when I broke my back.

I would rather experience that again than to experience this emotional pain.

2 Sunday's ago I literally felt like I lost Mom all over again.

I remembered everything.

It replayed as if I was watching a movie and have to live through it all over again.

I remember watching the color leave her lips.

Having to call Grandma and tell her to get to the hospital.
My little brother walking in with my boyfriend and knowing we were going to have to tell him because I knew he'd want to know why weren't in Mom's room anymore when before we refused to leave it.

It was horrible.

and when I came inside later that night he was there waiting to hold me and let me cry myself into a splitting headache and say the usual nonsense I mutter about life not being fair.

But it is. 

One thing is for sure - 

we will all lose someone we care about in our life. 

Death is certain.

Oh yeah, it's so weird that Elena Gilbert & Harry Potter gifs encompass everything I'm feeling.

I guess they're fictional characters who have lost the ones they love too.

Just in more tragic/horrific ways.

Whatevs.

Where'd you go? I miss you so...

 Seems like its been forever that you've been gone -- Please come back home.

I actually wrote this a week ago (June 26th) but didn't post it because I hadn't found any images yet.
Sorry about that.
Tonight there will 2 posts back to back.


This quote is the one I had tattooed on me for me Mom.

My boyfriend refers me as "Jessica 2". 

I told him to get used to me crying every day. 

He said he didn't want to get used to anything to do with our current situation.

I feel like a burden.

I can't turn it off.

I can't turn off my sadness.

I'm either sad or I'm not.

I don't know what to do about this.

I know I'm causing him stress.

I know he's not going to abandon me or anything.

I just feel like I'm a difficult person and I don't like that.

Yesterday was a good day.

I did a lot.

I made a list last night and accomplished most of what I had on it.

I was so proud of myself.

I wore a necklace of my Mom's yesterday and I kinda felt like it gave me strength.

I was mostly happy.

It was nice not to have a bad day.

Today has been an insane day with politics and I really wish Mom was here to talk to about it.
She was a democrat and I consider myself to be a libertarian.
She used to pick on me and I even found a message the other day where she said "Get your republican panties out of a wad."
It made me laugh so hard.
I like to think though that she is proud of me for knowing what is going on in the world.

Today I have been feeling a lot of anxiety.
Sometimes I think about my life and who I am.
How much the person I am is because of my Mom.
It was shocking the first time I realized it.
To name a few:
1. My love for classic rock and live bands.
2. My current university.
3. My major.
4. Me being back in Texas after living in Alabama for so long.
5. My affinity for animals - especially cats.
6. My appreciation for what things cost and how much someone had to work to provide it.



Sometimes I feel like I can't go on without her in my life.
I know that's nonsense.
I'm more scared that going means I'm forgetting her.
I know that's nonsense too.
But it's how I feel and I can't help it



Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

Cowgirl don't cry

 Cowgirl don't cry - Ride, baby, ride - Lessons in life show us all in time - Too soon God lets you know why - If you fall get right back on - Good Lord calls everybody home - Cowgirl don't cry

So today has been so hard. Like one of the hardest day I've had in weeks.

Today I got up in the afternoon and laid in bed for about an hour.

Later Ryan asked me to pick him up from campus around 4:50pm.

When I went to get my keys I noticed a key was removed from my keychain set.

The key was sitting next to my Vera Bradley wristlet.

This key has a keychain photo of my Mom that someone made for me after she passed away.

Someone removed this from my full set of keys and didn't put it back.

I was upset that it could have been lost because I have 2 cats and they could have knocked it off the couch and it could have possibly been lost.

That set my mood for the rest of the day.

The anger I felt due to this was so fierce.

I could literally feel anxiety building up inside me.

My boyfriend got all of my anger. I felt bad and I wasn't mad at him but there was so much inside of me that I had to get out.

I had no one else to vent to.

I'm already very possessive of my stuff and don't like people using my things without asking me.

Even more so, I'm very clingy about things to do with Mom.

Have you seen the movie An Eye For An Eye? There is a scene where the spouse of this woman, who lost her older daughter, washes a pillow her younger daughter spilled ice cream on. The Mom comes out of her older daughter's room freaking out because the pillow was washed and the scent was gone. That was my level of a freak out today.

So after my boyfriend went back to campus I sat here and listened to music that made me think of Mom and cried hard. 

I was trying to cry myself out.

Get all the pain out for the day.

But it hasn't left me.

It's still here.

I don't know why today.

Everyone is telling me that 5 weeks is still very fresh and I know it.

I think I am just overwhelmed with everything that is coming up:
 finishing my CSC 211 course, 
starting PSY 311, 
CSC 202 
and CSC 350. 

Having to complete the latter 3 all in 1 month.

I'm hoping that it ends up consuming my mind and I can just put everything into that. 

I'm also worried about money.

I think one of my problems has been that I haven't been working and I don't have a physical class to attend. So if my boyfriend isn't home or I'm not sleeping then I am just left to my own thoughts and that is BAD.

I envy my sister because she has my nephew to occupy her.

But if I had a kid I'd probably be a crappy Mom right now.

I'm a crappy cat owner right now. :( 

My boyfriend said yesterday: "The children are suffering."

He was kidding and trying to make laugh. (It worked)

I know I am doing things that I shouldn't. 

Things that aren't really conducive to happy thoughts.

Staying up all night, sleeping all day.

Every week I tell myself that I am going to be productive and do things that I should.

I don't. 

OR

I do something productive.

and by that one thing I feel like I should be rewarded with an entire day of free time for doing something as simple as going to the Post Office or studying on campus.



The pain feels new today. Like my heart is re-breaking.
When I remember it seems like an eternity ago and at the same time it feels so new.



I beat myself up a little because the last time I saw her before the hospital was Thanksgiving.
I think, "I should have visited her more."
I know I can't change the past but it doesn't keep me from wishing that I could.
I remember talking to her the day of the aneurysm rupture.
We talked about how I was feeling because I was sick and had a fever that Monday.
She encouraged me to go to the doctor and checked on me via Facebook about how I was feeling.



I have been on edge about everything today.
I got mad because my boyfriend was watching TV and I was watching True Blood on my laptop and I could hear his show over mine.
I took my phone, headphones and stormed out of the house.
I was just so angry.
I went to the pool and listened to music and cried.

I came home and my boyfriend was waiting to comfort me.
He held me and I just cried heavily.



I told him,
"It's not fair." 
"I still need my Mom." 
"It feels like she was dying all over again."

Where words fail, music speaks

I'm going to list a bunch of songs that make me think of my Mom.

I know a lot of times people look for funeral songs. 

For our Mom's funeral we picked songs she loved instead of a bunch of sad songs.

She LOVED music and exposed my sister and I to a lot and I am thankful for that.

First I'll list the songs that we played at her funeral:

Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home 

Motley Crue - Without You 

Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You 

*Beyonce - I Was Here 

Sarah McLaughlin - I Will Remember You 

Prince - Purple Rain 

*Kelly Clarkson - Go Rest High On That Mountain 

Guns n Roses - Don't Cry 

Guns n Roses - Sweet Child of Mine (requested of my Grandma)

Guns n Roses - Knocking on Heaven's Door (requested of my Grandma)

Spice Girls - Goodbye (my friend)

Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men - One Sweet Day 

* indicates favorites

Other songs:

Spice Girls - Mama

Puff Daddy & Faith Evans - I'll Be Missing You

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

My sister and I created this slideshow. She took it from powerpoint and uploaded it.

In Loving Memory

I'm ending this post prematurely because I am crying too much.