I feel like I've lost myself.
I feel like something is not the same.
And rightfully so, right?
The person who brought me into the world is gone.
I feel it inside of me.
That something is wrong.
Something is missing.
Something is not right.
Everyday I struggle with my emotions.
Trying to keep them at bay.
Trying to occupy myself.
I call so many people trying to talk.
I swear today every person I called did not answer.
I called some people twice.
I reached out to people via text.
My boyfriend worked a double.
I'm just here with my mind.
It consumes me too.
Some days I don't even realize how fast the hours go by.
Suddenly it's gone from noon to night and I haven't eaten or anything.
Just looked at pictures that remind me of her.
Listen to songs that remind me of her.
Recall memories.
I feel like I am just floating by in some catatonic state.
My boyfriend constantly asks "What's wrong?" and my response is always the same "The obvious."
He is very concerned, I know.
I constantly wonder if this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life.
I don't know how anyone can be happy around me.
I'm like a dementor sucking the happiness from the room.
Sadly he is the only thing keeping my sane right now.
I look forward to him being home so much because it offers me a distraction.
My minds default setting if I'm not thinking about anything is to revert to anything and everything to do with Mom.
I go through this loss of motivation feeling constantly.
I experienced it before when I was dealing with my depression but now...it's worse.
Sometimes I find it shocking that I get anything done at all.
(I'd never kill myself so do not take this as a sign of being suicidal - just massive sadness)
Well anyway, just random feelings and too much time on my hands.
I guess I'll end this for the night.
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