I'll be gone in November...

Today (Mon. 11/4/13) is a sad day.

I think with the time change.

The nights getting darker earlier and everything it is impacting my mood/state of mind.

So, I just really miss Mom today.

I feel so sad.

I cried...a lot.

To the point that I gave myself a headache and can't focus on the work I had to do tonight.

I was feeling sad after I got off work and called like 3 people in my family hoping to talk to someone that would make me feel better but no one answered.

I hate that.

It feels like every time I really need someone to talk to there is no one.

I try not to put my emotions entirely on my boyfriend to deal with and I know he doesn't see it as as "deal with" issue but I still try to be considerate because I know he has a lot of stuff to do too.

Mom was always there to talk to.

I miss her voice.
I tried to remember how it sounded when she said my voice but I couldn't.

Every time I tried to recall all I could hear was my own voice.

and that's when I broke down.

Then I was crying so bad that I didn't even want to talk to anyone on the phone.

I didn't even want my boyfriend to see me crying so I came into the bedroom and shoved my face in a pillow but eventually he came in and saw I was upset.

And of course he was there for me like he always is.

and I'm grateful for that.

I feel so many things.

Like I feel like I have a lot of good things going for me and I don't have to worry about certain things right now that I was scared I'd be dealing with.

I'm moving closer and closer to college graduation.

I just wish Mom was here to share it with.

To tell it to.

To hear her excitement.

It just doesn't feel right without her here...

I get so upset thinking about how unfair it is that she's gone.

That is the thought that runs through my mind the most.

Mom's are so important.
I feel so bad for those that don't have a good relationship with their Mom.

It's not fair to lose your mom so early...

I feel like I still need her for so much.

I seriously don't know how I get through the days.

Bonnie is always watching over her friends in The Vampire Diaries.

I like to think that Mom is right beside me watching everything I do and supporting me through it.

But it doesn't change the fact that I miss that realness.

My boyfriend's parents asked us about Thanksgiving yesterday.

It was a reminder that it will be my first one without Mom in the past 4 years.


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This is a two part post because I wrote the first half on Monday and then I'm writing a new half today(Thurs. 11/6/13).

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts of regret these days.
I feel like this should be mentioned because I don't really talk about it a lot and I think other people who have lost someone probably feel or have felt the same thing.



The last time I saw Mom before her going into the hospital on April 3rd was Thanksgiving.
I mentioned previously that my sister who lives in Alabama and I planned a secret Thanksgiving surprise for Mom and our family.
So anyway, we left Thanksgiving day to go stay with my boyfriend's parents because we were all going Black Friday shopping.
It was my first time doing this and my sister does it yearly so it was nice for her to kinda introduce me to doing it.

So, as it's November I keep thinking about how Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving and how I will not be going to her house this year and seeing all of the cats and her and grandma and my uncle and my brother.
In fact the only person out of those mentioned that I will get to see is my grandma.
It's kinda like I lost more than 1 person.
Anyway,
So I keep thinking about how we shouldn't have left on Thanksgiving and how we should have stayed another day and spent more time with her.
I hate it.
I hate regret so much.
It's the past and there is nothing I can do to change it
But my mind doesn't care...It's mean.



I also think about how I didn't visit her for Christmas.
But I never have visited her for Christmas I don't think.
Maybe in 2009 but I can't really remember.
I usually work on Christmas because I have needed the money.
I always negotiated at work that I HAD to have Thanksgiving off because it was the one holiday I had with my Mom and I would agree to work Christmas to ensure that.

So...I just feel bad.
I feel like I could have had more time.
I was planning on visiting her after finals last May as a late mother's day kinda thing.
But she never made it to Mother's Day....
and we never knew it would be our last holiday with her.

Ugh, just breaks my heart.