As we go on we remember all the times we had together

I have never been more proud of myself than I am now.

Tomorrow I will register for my last semester of college.

It feels like I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long and at the same time I'm kinda nervous and scared.

You spend so much time of your life in school (and I spent more time than most people) that it becomes kinda hard to think about a life without being in a classroom all the time or without assignments and projects and due dates.

I've been through a lot of things that would deter most people from pursuing their dreams.

In fact, I've even had to change my dream.

I just think about how proud mom must be of me.

For leaving Alabama and coming back to Texas; pretty much starting life over and on my own without much help.

The help I was convinced I had was entirely false and I thrown into a situation I wasn't prepared for.

I knew no one to help me where I lived in Texas.

I remember driving myself to the emergency room in excruciating pain thinking how ridiculous it was.

I got my own place. (that I sometimes miss)

I worked 40 hours a week and went to classes at the community college.

I just did what I had to.

I finally got in at a university (one that Mom wanted me to go to in Texas) after all of the issues with my credits from Alabama.

I gave up on nursing (reluctantly) and changed my major to something my mom really wanted me to do because she thought I'd be good at it.

and I cannot believe she won't be here for my graduation...

That hurts a lot.

I can't even explain the level of hurt that I feel thinking about that.

This week has just started and next week is Thanksgiving.

Just the word "Thanksgiving" makes me upset.

This was supposed to be the Thanksgiving where we say how thankful we are that Jessica is finally going to graduate college.

Where we celebrate the first female in our family to obtain a bachelors degree.

Where we make jokes at me for taking 8 years to get a bachelors degree.

Where we say how thankful we are that I survived a car wreck and still pursued my education despite my constant medical problems.

Where we are grateful that I have someone like my boyfriend in my life to help me when I'm feeling down.

Where I start thinking I would be able to help Mom & my little brother more financially and start having better holidays because I would have a career soon.

Now there's none of that.

While I am thankful for graduation coming up, and my boyfriend...

I am not thankful that Mom is gone.

I do not know how to even be thankful for this year.

Good things have happened in spite of losing Mom.

I have gotten much closer with certain members of my family.

I have discovered who is truly there for me and who is not.

My boyfriend's family and my Dad's side of the family have been working hard to make sure I am able to finish my last year of college.

This year has been a huge test of my strength and determination as a person.

It has been very hard.

This semester has been hard.

The summer was hard.

This holiday season is going to be hard.

and I just don't feel very thankful.

and I can't help that.

because honestly, I'd give up everything, all of those things, to have 1 conversation with Mom.

To take 1 more picture with her smiling.

I told my boyfriend today I didn't even want to do Thanksgiving anymore and that I just wanted to work somewhere to take my mind off of the holiday entirely.

I'm so scared that when visiting my family and his family that I'm just going to be crying the entire time.

Thanksgiving was mine and my mom's holiday.