Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3