Changes

It's weird that the last time I wrote a post was exactly 1 year ago today...But this day always has it's significance. Being the last day I'd ever talk to my Mom. The day she sustained her brain injury that would eventually take her out of my life forever.

It has gotten easier....You'd think...or has it? Last night I knew this day was coming, along with the other 17 days of shit memories of her being hospital until the day she passed. It's been 5 years. I think is she proud of me? But then my thoughts go really negative because I'm good at being mean to myself....I thought to myself that I was a shit daughter because I don't think of her daily like I used to. Like I did all of 2013 and a significant part of 2014...then the thoughts of her started to not occur as often. Am I getting over losing her? Am I forgetting her? Or did I have to rebuild my life? My reality...my life was changed and I had to learn a new reality.  My new reality is a life without her. I feel if I thought about her too much I would live in a more permanent state of sadness. In another negative thought I felt like a shit sister. I feel like I failed my Mom because my brother isn't showing much initiative in going to college. She worked so hard to instill this in me and my sister and I know he lost her so early in his life that I feel he missed that emphasis from her. I felt it was my job to push that and I didn't do it enough...It's hard with him being states away. But yeah....when I start beating myself up my mind goes hard.

I spent all of 2017 working on my mental health and I'm proud of how far I've come. But I try to push out negative thoughts as soon as they begin manifesting in my mind. I've set some goals for the month and am aiming to focus on something that would be good for me to keep myself from falling into that negative mindset that I know I tend to experience from April 3rd - April 27th...

I don't know what to say. 5 years...a new reality. A new way of coping. Feeling like I'm doing it wrong...I don't have any real sound advice for anyone going through this or reaching this point. These are just random thoughts.