♫ I will think of you every step of the way....

I know I haven't posted in a while. So, sorry for that.

I've been missing Mom a lot lately. 

Not that I don't miss her every day but some days it just hits me harder than others. 

Some days I am just going on living my life and little things remind me of Mom and I smile and remember her. Other days I remember her or things remind me of her and it breaks me down.

Sunday was one of those days.

I cried so many times.

I was folding clothes on the livingroom floor and had received a phone call from my sister.

We discussed Mom's headstone. 

Her gravesite still doesn't have one and we were talking about saving money together to get her one.

Last year we all visited Mom's gravesite on Mother's Day (which was the day after my graduation) and we couldn't find the exact location she was buried. 

It really, really upset me and I haven't been back since. 

I feel like I'm failing Mom even in death because of that....

Then my boyfriend and I were watching TV Sunday night and there was a scene where someone was on life support and someone in their family reading them the sports section from the newspaper and it hurt me.

Because it reminded me of being in the hospital with Mom, playing her music hoping she'd come back.

Then I was filled with questions as to if we did the right thing taking her off life support.

I kept thinking "Miracles happen all the time. Did we do it too soon? Should we have waited."

I've been thinking about that too with the situation with Bobbi Kristina Brown being on life support right now.

It's hard.

Most of the time the thoughts are just memories and recalling good times and being like "awe that's totally a thing Mom would do." or "Mom would like this." or "Oh god...I am my mother." and other times it's so hard and it's like "This isn't fair. She was so young. Why did I lose my Mom when I was only 25 and she was 44?" 

I get upset when people have petty problems with their parents.

I get upset because they don't see what they have right in front of them.

They don't see the small things their parents are doing to sacrifice for them 

and make their life better.

If you have parents that are alive and are interested in your life and your well being and want the best for you, count yourself blessed.

EVEN if you don't see eye to eye.

Even if you're completely opposite and feel like they don't understand you.

Call them.

Text them.

Let them know you care.

Because it's absolutely killer when you can't do that anymore.

Cherish the "dreaded" family times.

As crazy as they may be.

My Dad is still alive and I am extremely blessed for that.

Plus we have a great relationship.

I am fortunate to have (had) a good relationship with both of my parents.

But I was raised by some awesome people...

I mean...what else would you call it when you can attend a Motley Crue concert together, right?

or when your Mom reprimands you for "taking that stupid boy you just met to see Motley Crue" instead of taking her... LOL

Pure freaking awesomeness.

As I was typing this blog, I had to leave and go cry in my coworker's office.

I was in there for over an hour.

I texted one of my coworker's who works in the same room as me and asked him to bring me tissues off my desk because he lost his Dad and so he knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I told him I was crying and didn't want anyone to see me like that.

He brought me my box and pulled me off the couch and hugged me.

It was so nice and definitely needed.

One of my female coworker's who I'm very close to is traveling this week and so she wasn't here to comfort me like she normally is when this happens to me at work.

I was kinda freaking out inside not knowing what to do but I knew I couldn't stay at my desk because I was about to breakdown.

So anyway....I guess I'm done blogging for now.

I actually meant to write a blog about what it means to be strong while grieving but this blog took a different turn with my random crying moments...

So, hopefully I can get that blog post in sometime soon.

Stay tuned.

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

“When you died, it was the biggest shock of my life. Nothing prepared me for it. I live each day wondering how I will get through it, and then I remember that you would want me to.”
—  Cindy Adkins

Also, here is a link to my Spotify Playlist for Mom.

2015: Realization and Growth

It's a new year and I'm just posting. 2014 ended well. I have been at my job for just over a year now. I enjoy the work that I do and my coworkers. Things aren't bad. My financial status has changed this month and I have less free money since starting to pay on my student loans, but overall things are good.

I get extremely happy when the semester starts because that means my boyfriend is one step closer to graduating. I love when he succeeds. I love our partnership. I love him very much.

I've been missing my family a lot. Everyone is in different states, as I always say, and it makes it hard sometimes. There is just something about YOUR family. The ones who have grown up with you and have seen you change over the course of time. Those who have seen through your most embarrassing and darkest times and still chose to stick it out with you. I absolutely love my boyfriend's parents and I am very comfortable with them as my own family that I do get to see more frequently. I always emphasize to my boyfriend to enjoy his time with his family. Ever since Mom's passing I am all about the 'family time'. I don't want someone to miss out on a moment with their family that may very well be their last...I know that seems morbid but that's one way death changes your perception of things. I've known people who have died, but they were always people I hadn't spoke in years or weren't all that close with. Mom is the first person that I was so close with that it impacted my life in such a direct sense. I didn't even live with her. But we spoke nearly every single day. I remember her freaking out on Facebook a few years ago because I hadn't arrived at her house yet for Thanksgiving. I was extremely hungover from going out with friends on Washington Ave. the night before and so I was running late. When I woke up I was tagged in an excessive amount of posts asking if anyone had heard from me. I also remember her freaking out after my 25th birthday for the same reason. We partied hard and were hungover and she hadn't heard from me yet. God love her. <3 Which makes me remember the time she asked me if I was a lesbian because my friend Pam and I were so close. She legitimately thought we were dating. Which is hilarious to me because we weren't dating and I am not into girls. So many things about her make me smile. It's so funny how you go from wanting to be nothing like your Mom to being excited when someone gives you a compliment somehow indicating you're like her. It's funny how these things change in your mind. I still know my Mom did a lot of things I would never do and I chalk a lot of that up to being a young parent. There are many things I did differently than he rand am proud of. There are many things that I do just like her that I am proud of. It's so weird being a daughter. It's so weird growing up.

This is the year of weddings. I have so many friends getting married in 2015 that it's crazy. But I am so happy for everyone that is getting married. Which then reminds me that I will get married sometime in the future. And makes me think about wedding planning...which then makes me remember that Mom won't be here for my wedding. and that ALWAYS makes me sad. It just...isn't fair. and she won't be here for my future pregnancy and kids...and all that. It just makes me so sad. These are things I was supposed to have her for. and now what? No one can fill that void I have since she's left. I have people who are close 2nds or who are people that I know will get excited for my successes and share my excitement in the things I do, but it's not the same at all as talking to her. So much to tell her but I just keep it inside and hope that Heaven is real and she's up there watching me from time to time.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I did not realize this would be the last day I would ever see my Mom. The last day I would ever feel her embrace. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Since I moved back to Texas I always spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I claimed it as our holiday. As a family that didn't have a lot there wasn't a lot of pressure associated with Thanksgiving. We just ate food throughout the day. We counted our blessings that we could all be together as a family on this one day of the year. We watched rivalry college football and I convinced my little brother to cheer for Alabama when the Texas Longhorns weren't playing. But the last Thanksgiving we spent together my sister was in from Alabama and we decided I would go on my first Black Friday experience. So, we only spent a day and a half with my Mom.

I wish I had known then what I know now. But, that's not how life works. My Thanksgiving celebration now begins with the extended side of my Mom's family because it's the closest I can feel to her on this day with my sister, brother, Dad, grandma and step-dad in different states. It hurts my heart to not have her, especially at this time of year. The other times of the year I was always at school so everyone understood that I couldn't come for every holiday. But they knew I'd be there for Thanksgiving. I fought with so many employers in the past about giving me Thanksgiving off. I even fought with my birth father who kicked me out of the house for spending Thanksgiving with my Mom my first year back in Texas. I was very serious about being with her on this day.

So, now we approach Thanksgiving year 2 without my Mom in my life. It is very hard. It doesn't get easier...you just get stronger. I still break down. I still almost call her. My maternal grandma lives at the same home my Mom lived at so they shared the same phone number. When I call my grandma it still pops up as "Mom" on my phone and it is like a knife in my heart every single time. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be thankful for those that are still in my life. But damn, your Mom is such an important person. If you have a decent relationship with your Mom I believe you will experience the same amount of heartbreak from losing her. As far as people who don't have a good relationship with their Mom, they may not feel this way when they pass away. I can't say for sure though. I just know how I feel and how this has affected me.

It hurts. I'm partially dreading tomorrow and looking forward to it because I miss being around family so much.

But I wanted to compile a list of things I am thankful for:

• My siblings (all of y'all)
• My boyfriend (of 3 years 7 months)
• My cats
• My cousins who are more like siblings: Shiela, Frankie and Ashley
• My boyfriend's parents
• My job
• The friendship I formed with my coworker Lindsey over the past year
• The relationship I've built with my little sister Brittiany since she came to college
• My friend Britney and her Mom
• Girl Scout Thin Mint Coffee Creamer

There are so many things I am thankful for ranging from small to large. But I'm most grateful for the people in my life. The fact that I'm not alone. Even though many times I feel lonely I know I have so many people that care for me and that will listen to & comfort me.

Thinking of you this Thanksgiving Mom. <3

Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone

So this weekend was the Mötley Crüe concert.

For readers who don't know, my Mom and Dad were huge Mötley Crüe fans.

I was raised listening to them in my livingroom on MTV with my Mom while dancing to their music, Mom taught me to throw my arm in the air all sassy like when singing "All around the world, girls will be girls" from Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S).

I will never forget doing that with my Mom as a kid.
When they played that song it made me think of her and smiled,
feeling lucky that I have that memory of us together.

My friends and family all put in money together to for me to able to attend Mötley Crüe's Final Tour as a graduation present.

I bought 3 tickets for me, my boyfriend and my Dad.

I wished so badly that Mom was here so I could have taken her.

She would have had an awesome time.

The finale they played Home Sweet Home and I got up in my chair and swayed back and forth and cried.

That song just makes me think of Mom so much and makes me miss her terribly.

Just take this song 

and you'll never be left all alone

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night

and I'm coming off this 

Long and winding road

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

Home Sweet Home

But it was awesome to be standing between my Dad and my boyfriend.

Rocking out.

Hands in the air.

15 rows from the front of the stage.

Floor seats.

& right underneath Tommy Lee's rollercoaster drumset : The Cruecifly.

To a band my Dad has always loved and one I grew up loving.

It's extremely bittersweet.

Weirdly though, their FINAL TOUR actually happening made me feel like it was just another nail in the coffin signifying how final Mom's death is.

Like because she's gone the band is breaking up.

It's weird...I don't know if you know what I mean...

But I enjoyed my time with my Dad.

So many times in my life since losing Mom I feel guilty.

The reason is because I miss Mom so much and so many things make me think of her.

Then I have Dad and I feel like I don't acknowledge that he's still alive and with me enough.
But it's hard because we live many states away and he works odd hours and he isn't a very big phone person.

Mom was in the same state as me (although 4 hours away...) and we talked every single day.

But yeah... I love my Dad a lot and I literally live in fear of the day I will lose him.

I am so glad we got to go to the concert together.

I am so glad that it's a memory we'll have together.

We were talking about the last concert we each saw.

I told him the last concert I saw was Mötley Crüe in 2011 with my boyfriend.
He said the last concert he saw was Mötley Crüe with Pink Floyd with my Mom (and that was sometime in the 90s).

How funny?

That's all.

Just wanted to give a quick update.

Thanks for reading. 

xoxo.

You made me cry, You told me lies, but, I can't say goodbye.

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I have the intent to update many times I just don't ever follow through on it.

So, my life has changed quickly. I'm working full time now and doing stuff that has to do with what I went to school for, so that is definitely a plus.
Also, I have been very happy.
Things are going pretty well.
I don't have many complaints.
I'm feeling very blessed with my boyfriend,
my family,
my job,
just everything.

I do miss Mom a lot and I don't know why but this summer I have had many moments where I want to call her. I think it's because for the first time in a long time things are finally going right for me. Things are going good and I want to tell her about them. I want to tell her when I'm told I do a good job at work. I want to tell her about my new goals I've set for myself.
But I can't.
and that's hard.
I had a breakdown at work about 2 weeks ago I think...Luckily I work with some really nice people and one of my coworkers talked to me and calmed me down.
Then last Tuesday I read this article about Mom's being the best person in your life and I lost it.
My heart still hurts.
Sometimes I feels like I'm losing her all over again.
It feels so new sometimes.
and I feel like I've accepted that she's gone.
I know she's in a better place.
I know she's not hurting.
But I just feel cheated sometimes...
and I feel bad sometimes for being happy and moving on without her.
I still sometimes feel like my life should be in shambles because she is no longer a part of it.
At least not a part of it in the way I want her to be

I read the news and see all of these crappy people who abuse their kids or abuse animals or don't care about people and I think how unfair it is that they are even alive and part of this world while good people like my mom and my friends/family's parents passed away.
I know it's part of life.
I know.
It doesn't help.

Sometimes I will hear a song and it will make me think of Mom and smile.
Other times that same song will break my heart and make me cry because it reminds me of her.

I'm having a pretty good "summer". Although I don't think it's really set in that I'm done with college. I'm used to working through the summers so it kinda feels like that is what I'm doing.

I'm trying to learn how to be a "real" adult.
I get off work (I work 8am-5pm) and I feel like "Oh I've worked today. So I don't have to do any other adult responsibilities except maybe go to the grocery store."
I know most adults do more than just work in a day.
I just need to find a way to create a schedule that I will stick to.

So all in all everything is fine.
All in all I miss Mom every single day of my life.
It hasn't gotten any easier...I've just gotten stronger...but I still have my weak moments where I just have to breakdown and let the sadness consume me for a bit.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
It's a horrible emptiness to feel.



But all in all.
I am doing good.
Things are good.
I am pretty much loving life.
My boyfriend is amazing.
My cats make me happy.
I like my job and my coworkers.
Things are good.
I think I'm coping well.
<3

Thanks for reading.

Mom, we did it!

On Saturday May 10th I was the first female in my family to graduate college with a bachelors degree. I moved back to Texas in 2009 to be closer to my Mom (and I'm so glad that I did). She wanted me to attend a Texas college and she always wanted me to go to school for computers but I refused and pursued nursing. After leaving my nursing program in Alabama and not being able to get into a nursing program in Texas, I changed my major to Information Technology and she was ecstatic. So, this weekend I achieved her dream and my dream. We did it and I have set a precedent for young women in this family that I hope they will strive to achieve and surpass. 

Graduation was phenomenal. My graduation party was beautiful. I never imagined I'd experience anything that awesome and so personalized in my life. It was so much more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I can't quite put into words how I felt with everyone being there and everyone celebrating my accomplishment. I'm so blessed for the people in my life. For everyone supporting me. For those that have sacrificed to help make my life easier while I try to finish school. For those who were there for me to lean on for emotional support in the past year as I struggled to push through and deal with my grief all at the same time. I am truly blessed.

Some photos from my Tiffany's themed graduation party.

It's kinda funny because in a sense I feel like I have more people in my life that care about me than ever before. I guess tough situations really do show you who your REAL friends and family are, and lucky for me, I have gained a lot more than I've lost.

Me and my Daddy after graduation. <3

I just wanted to share with those of you that follow me that I did it. It was very hard, sitting in my chair before it was time for the College of Science and Mathematics graduates to be called up there. I was looking around for everyone that I knew that came to see me graduate and each time I realized I wouldn't see Mom. It was very hard knowing she wasn't going to be there. As I walked to my chair among the Class of 2014 graduates the chair of the Computer Science Department stopped me and told me he was proud of me. Then as I was about to receive my "degree" the advisor for the COSM told me I had worked so hard and how proud she was of me. Each of these people knew what I had been through and it meant so much to me for them to say these things. I fought back tears the entire time. Thank God for my graduating classmates, (which were all boys, I was the only girl to receive the IT degree), if I looked sad or teared up they'd joke with me or make me laugh. They really kept me from losing it. I really wish I had taken a picture with all of them.

I am fortunate enough to have been extended a full time position with the company I interned for this past semester. I'm the concept designer for our software and I am happy to have a job in my field of study. I know many college graduates aren't so lucky but that is why I made the decision to pursue a technical degree.

I guess that is all. I had started this post the day after graduation but forgot to publish it. So, sorry it's so late.

Here are some graduation pictures and graduation senior pictures as well. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you...

So, today marks the 1 year "anniversary" of Mom's passing.

Yesterday was the actual 1 year from the day that we pulled her off life support and waited for her to pass. We waited for her to leave her human body of suffering and go into the spirit realm and be welcomed by God and our other family members we have lost.

I know in my heart that she is in a better place. Far better than if we had kept her on machines for the rest of her life. I know she's where she should be given the situation. But I can't help but feel selfish. Graduation is 20 days away and I seriously do not want to graduate without her being here. I can't help but feel that way. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen without her. I'm scared of taking these next big steps in my life without her. I consult with my boyfriend's parents about career questions and post-graduation questions but I wish I could talk to her too. She would be beyond ecstatic seeing my graduation invitations and my stoles and helping me decide between chords or medallions (which I consulted with many family members about). 

I haven't dreamed about her in a long time. Sometimes I can hear her though. When I'm doing something I shouldn't especially like skipping class to sleep in, I can almost hear her say my first and middle name with that you-know-better tone.

I feel lost. It's been 1 year and I still feel very lost without her. One of my good friends who lost his Mom last year said it best "I can see myself, I can see where I'm supposed to be but I'm just a little too far. I'm out of reach." It truly feels that way and I am not sure that if you haven't lost someone close to you that makes up so much of your world, that you know what he's describing.

I have been hurting so long that I think I made myself be numb. I appear okay to most people. I cry probably once every other week now instead of every day. I do most of what I'm supposed to do. I'm still struggling with being social and would much rather crawl into bed and watch movies with my cats than to go out and be around people. I can't help it. It is seriously like the worst break up of all time. I literally feel like a piece of my heart broke a year ago. Sometimes when I remember everything that happened during those 17 days she was in the hospital I can feel it breaking all over again. I can feel the pain all over again and the rest of the time I just feel this hole inside of my heart. The heart feels. I'm already a very emotional person. I'm not good at concealing my feelings from people. I have to get whatever is bothering me off my chest at that very moment. So dealing with this and trying to hide how I feel is not an option. I will cry wherever I am. I remember last semester when I started crying silently in one of my classes.

I hurt inside. I hurt without her. I have needed advice from her SO many times this past year and it has killed me to not be able to talk to her. I miss her voice and I have horrible nightmares and thoughts that I may one day forget how she sounded. I have my sister and one of my cousins that I am really close with. My sister has a different perspective on death and loss and she's really good at dealing with her emotions so sometimes it can be hard to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I'm still feeling this way. My cousin just lost her Mom on April 4th, and it was devastating for so many of us so I don't feel like I can lean on her right now. Even though if she reads this post she will message me after and tell me I can talk to her about anything because she's the sweetest, most caring person ever.

So, it's Easter and I'm with my boyfriend's family. We hit our 3 year anniversary last week of being together and I am so truly grateful for his parents and everything they do. I wish my sister, Dad and paternal Grandma all lived here though so I could spend more holidays with them. Mom was my in-state family that I could visit and spend holidays with. Everyone has that part of their family that is their immediate family (whether by blood or choice). While I am very grateful for my boyfriend's parents, I wish my family was closer so we could have more holidays together. I think it would do me good to see them on a more regular basis. I haven't seen any of them since Mom's passing a year ago and I won't see them for another 20 days. Hopefully after I graduate I can see them more. 

So anyway, I am about to go celebrate Easter with my boyfriend's family. Here is a status my sister posted on Facebook today that I thought was beautiful and insightful.

"Today as I celebrate Easter with my family I do so with a heavy heart. On this day one year ago my family and I made the hardest decision we have probably ever made. Having to make the decision to take someone you love off life support is a difficult thing to do. However today is a day of remembrance...a day to remember that Jesus died for our sins and a day to know that the loved ones you lost are celebrating this wonderful day with the person we celebrate it for. How can we mourn for those people. We should be celebrating for them for they are in the presence of God and they are enjoying the true meaning of this holiday in person. So even though today marks 1 year of us being without my mom for her it marks 1 year that she's been in the presence of God and what a day to celebrate that!"

Rest In Peace Mom - You are surely not forgotten, always remembered and missed.We hope you're dancing in the sky, barbecuing with Uncle Freddy, Grandma Poppy and Winky and watching us all we we miss you dearly. <3