It Calls Me

And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide
Always falling yet rising

I will carry you here in my heart
You remind me
That come what may
I know the way

The section of lyrics from Moana - Song of the Ancestors always makes me think of Mom 💜

Dear Mom II....

Dear Mom,

In September I was contacted by a recruiter for a company I applied at during the summer about an open position he thought I would be interested in. For the past month I have been interviewing for a really great career opportunity. I made it to the top 3 candidates and that alone was such an honor to me. Houston is very competitive in the job market. Last week the company extended me the offer for the position and after I've completed all of my new hire stuff, I will officially be starting. I am so excited about this and I know you would be elated. My hard work is finally paying off and I am so excited for this opportunity. I really wanted to share this news with you and it's almost Thanksgiving which is OUR holiday and I miss you terribly and the thought of yet another Thanksgiving without you makes me so sad. But you should know that I am working hard and trying to do good in my life to make you proud. I have hard days and there are times where I feel like is unfair or everything is going wrong but I never give up.

I miss you.
I love you.
I hope you're proud.

 Love always, Your brown haired, brown eyed baby girl

Dear Mom I

I am going to start something new called "Dear Mom". It is going to be things I wish I could tell my Mom now or things that remind me of her that made me want to call her, etc.

Dear Mom,

I have been thinking about you a lot this week. No real reason why that I can think of. Tonight I went on a Paranormal Pub Tour with S, her husband and R. It wasn't like a ghost hunt. It was more of an informative tour I guess you'd say. The guide told us a lot about some of the oldest buildings in downtown Houston and some stories about people dying in certain buildings and reports of their ghosts still being there. I just had a good time and it made me think a lot of you. Last weekend we went to Renfest and oh my goodness, so much of that place reminds me of growing up. Even the smells. It made me think of you and just smile. How non-traditional our childhood was but yet so fascinating and fun when I think about it. I'm glad you were my Mom and now that I'm older there is so much I realize you had to do and deal with and I am truly grateful. and sorry for being a bratty teenager because I know I was hard to deal with. I remember you were about 28 or 29 when you dyed your hair black. I remember it being black with a purple hue. This week I dyed my hair for the first time ever and for some reason it made me think of you and when you dyed yours. It was a hard adjustment for me to see you go from very blonde to such dark hair. But now it's one of the ways I remember you most.

So...I just miss you and things make me think of you often. <3

I love you so much.

♫ I will think of you every step of the way....

I know I haven't posted in a while. So, sorry for that.

I've been missing Mom a lot lately. 

Not that I don't miss her every day but some days it just hits me harder than others. 

Some days I am just going on living my life and little things remind me of Mom and I smile and remember her. Other days I remember her or things remind me of her and it breaks me down.

Sunday was one of those days.

I cried so many times.

I was folding clothes on the livingroom floor and had received a phone call from my sister.

We discussed Mom's headstone. 

Her gravesite still doesn't have one and we were talking about saving money together to get her one.

Last year we all visited Mom's gravesite on Mother's Day (which was the day after my graduation) and we couldn't find the exact location she was buried. 

It really, really upset me and I haven't been back since. 

I feel like I'm failing Mom even in death because of that....

Then my boyfriend and I were watching TV Sunday night and there was a scene where someone was on life support and someone in their family reading them the sports section from the newspaper and it hurt me.

Because it reminded me of being in the hospital with Mom, playing her music hoping she'd come back.

Then I was filled with questions as to if we did the right thing taking her off life support.

I kept thinking "Miracles happen all the time. Did we do it too soon? Should we have waited."

I've been thinking about that too with the situation with Bobbi Kristina Brown being on life support right now.

It's hard.

Most of the time the thoughts are just memories and recalling good times and being like "awe that's totally a thing Mom would do." or "Mom would like this." or "Oh god...I am my mother." and other times it's so hard and it's like "This isn't fair. She was so young. Why did I lose my Mom when I was only 25 and she was 44?" 

I get upset when people have petty problems with their parents.

I get upset because they don't see what they have right in front of them.

They don't see the small things their parents are doing to sacrifice for them 

and make their life better.

If you have parents that are alive and are interested in your life and your well being and want the best for you, count yourself blessed.

EVEN if you don't see eye to eye.

Even if you're completely opposite and feel like they don't understand you.

Call them.

Text them.

Let them know you care.

Because it's absolutely killer when you can't do that anymore.

Cherish the "dreaded" family times.

As crazy as they may be.

My Dad is still alive and I am extremely blessed for that.

Plus we have a great relationship.

I am fortunate to have (had) a good relationship with both of my parents.

But I was raised by some awesome people...

I mean...what else would you call it when you can attend a Motley Crue concert together, right?

or when your Mom reprimands you for "taking that stupid boy you just met to see Motley Crue" instead of taking her... LOL

Pure freaking awesomeness.

As I was typing this blog, I had to leave and go cry in my coworker's office.

I was in there for over an hour.

I texted one of my coworker's who works in the same room as me and asked him to bring me tissues off my desk because he lost his Dad and so he knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I told him I was crying and didn't want anyone to see me like that.

He brought me my box and pulled me off the couch and hugged me.

It was so nice and definitely needed.

One of my female coworker's who I'm very close to is traveling this week and so she wasn't here to comfort me like she normally is when this happens to me at work.

I was kinda freaking out inside not knowing what to do but I knew I couldn't stay at my desk because I was about to breakdown.

So anyway....I guess I'm done blogging for now.

I actually meant to write a blog about what it means to be strong while grieving but this blog took a different turn with my random crying moments...

So, hopefully I can get that blog post in sometime soon.

Stay tuned.

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

“When you died, it was the biggest shock of my life. Nothing prepared me for it. I live each day wondering how I will get through it, and then I remember that you would want me to.”
—  Cindy Adkins

Also, here is a link to my Spotify Playlist for Mom.

2015: Realization and Growth

It's a new year and I'm just posting. 2014 ended well. I have been at my job for just over a year now. I enjoy the work that I do and my coworkers. Things aren't bad. My financial status has changed this month and I have less free money since starting to pay on my student loans, but overall things are good.

I get extremely happy when the semester starts because that means my boyfriend is one step closer to graduating. I love when he succeeds. I love our partnership. I love him very much.

I've been missing my family a lot. Everyone is in different states, as I always say, and it makes it hard sometimes. There is just something about YOUR family. The ones who have grown up with you and have seen you change over the course of time. Those who have seen through your most embarrassing and darkest times and still chose to stick it out with you. I absolutely love my boyfriend's parents and I am very comfortable with them as my own family that I do get to see more frequently. I always emphasize to my boyfriend to enjoy his time with his family. Ever since Mom's passing I am all about the 'family time'. I don't want someone to miss out on a moment with their family that may very well be their last...I know that seems morbid but that's one way death changes your perception of things. I've known people who have died, but they were always people I hadn't spoke in years or weren't all that close with. Mom is the first person that I was so close with that it impacted my life in such a direct sense. I didn't even live with her. But we spoke nearly every single day. I remember her freaking out on Facebook a few years ago because I hadn't arrived at her house yet for Thanksgiving. I was extremely hungover from going out with friends on Washington Ave. the night before and so I was running late. When I woke up I was tagged in an excessive amount of posts asking if anyone had heard from me. I also remember her freaking out after my 25th birthday for the same reason. We partied hard and were hungover and she hadn't heard from me yet. God love her. <3 Which makes me remember the time she asked me if I was a lesbian because my friend Pam and I were so close. She legitimately thought we were dating. Which is hilarious to me because we weren't dating and I am not into girls. So many things about her make me smile. It's so funny how you go from wanting to be nothing like your Mom to being excited when someone gives you a compliment somehow indicating you're like her. It's funny how these things change in your mind. I still know my Mom did a lot of things I would never do and I chalk a lot of that up to being a young parent. There are many things I did differently than he rand am proud of. There are many things that I do just like her that I am proud of. It's so weird being a daughter. It's so weird growing up.

This is the year of weddings. I have so many friends getting married in 2015 that it's crazy. But I am so happy for everyone that is getting married. Which then reminds me that I will get married sometime in the future. And makes me think about wedding planning...which then makes me remember that Mom won't be here for my wedding. and that ALWAYS makes me sad. It just...isn't fair. and she won't be here for my future pregnancy and kids...and all that. It just makes me so sad. These are things I was supposed to have her for. and now what? No one can fill that void I have since she's left. I have people who are close 2nds or who are people that I know will get excited for my successes and share my excitement in the things I do, but it's not the same at all as talking to her. So much to tell her but I just keep it inside and hope that Heaven is real and she's up there watching me from time to time.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I did not realize this would be the last day I would ever see my Mom. The last day I would ever feel her embrace. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Since I moved back to Texas I always spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I claimed it as our holiday. As a family that didn't have a lot there wasn't a lot of pressure associated with Thanksgiving. We just ate food throughout the day. We counted our blessings that we could all be together as a family on this one day of the year. We watched rivalry college football and I convinced my little brother to cheer for Alabama when the Texas Longhorns weren't playing. But the last Thanksgiving we spent together my sister was in from Alabama and we decided I would go on my first Black Friday experience. So, we only spent a day and a half with my Mom.

I wish I had known then what I know now. But, that's not how life works. My Thanksgiving celebration now begins with the extended side of my Mom's family because it's the closest I can feel to her on this day with my sister, brother, Dad, grandma and step-dad in different states. It hurts my heart to not have her, especially at this time of year. The other times of the year I was always at school so everyone understood that I couldn't come for every holiday. But they knew I'd be there for Thanksgiving. I fought with so many employers in the past about giving me Thanksgiving off. I even fought with my birth father who kicked me out of the house for spending Thanksgiving with my Mom my first year back in Texas. I was very serious about being with her on this day.

So, now we approach Thanksgiving year 2 without my Mom in my life. It is very hard. It doesn't get easier...you just get stronger. I still break down. I still almost call her. My maternal grandma lives at the same home my Mom lived at so they shared the same phone number. When I call my grandma it still pops up as "Mom" on my phone and it is like a knife in my heart every single time. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be thankful for those that are still in my life. But damn, your Mom is such an important person. If you have a decent relationship with your Mom I believe you will experience the same amount of heartbreak from losing her. As far as people who don't have a good relationship with their Mom, they may not feel this way when they pass away. I can't say for sure though. I just know how I feel and how this has affected me.

It hurts. I'm partially dreading tomorrow and looking forward to it because I miss being around family so much.

But I wanted to compile a list of things I am thankful for:

• My siblings (all of y'all)
• My boyfriend (of 3 years 7 months)
• My cats
• My cousins who are more like siblings: Shiela, Frankie and Ashley
• My boyfriend's parents
• My job
• The friendship I formed with my coworker Lindsey over the past year
• The relationship I've built with my little sister Brittiany since she came to college
• My friend Britney and her Mom
• Girl Scout Thin Mint Coffee Creamer

There are so many things I am thankful for ranging from small to large. But I'm most grateful for the people in my life. The fact that I'm not alone. Even though many times I feel lonely I know I have so many people that care for me and that will listen to & comfort me.

Thinking of you this Thanksgiving Mom. <3

Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone

So this weekend was the Mötley Crüe concert.

For readers who don't know, my Mom and Dad were huge Mötley Crüe fans.

I was raised listening to them in my livingroom on MTV with my Mom while dancing to their music, Mom taught me to throw my arm in the air all sassy like when singing "All around the world, girls will be girls" from Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S).

I will never forget doing that with my Mom as a kid.
When they played that song it made me think of her and smiled,
feeling lucky that I have that memory of us together.

My friends and family all put in money together to for me to able to attend Mötley Crüe's Final Tour as a graduation present.

I bought 3 tickets for me, my boyfriend and my Dad.

I wished so badly that Mom was here so I could have taken her.

She would have had an awesome time.

The finale they played Home Sweet Home and I got up in my chair and swayed back and forth and cried.

That song just makes me think of Mom so much and makes me miss her terribly.

Just take this song 

and you'll never be left all alone

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night

and I'm coming off this 

Long and winding road

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

Home Sweet Home

But it was awesome to be standing between my Dad and my boyfriend.

Rocking out.

Hands in the air.

15 rows from the front of the stage.

Floor seats.

& right underneath Tommy Lee's rollercoaster drumset : The Cruecifly.

To a band my Dad has always loved and one I grew up loving.

It's extremely bittersweet.

Weirdly though, their FINAL TOUR actually happening made me feel like it was just another nail in the coffin signifying how final Mom's death is.

Like because she's gone the band is breaking up.

It's weird...I don't know if you know what I mean...

But I enjoyed my time with my Dad.

So many times in my life since losing Mom I feel guilty.

The reason is because I miss Mom so much and so many things make me think of her.

Then I have Dad and I feel like I don't acknowledge that he's still alive and with me enough.
But it's hard because we live many states away and he works odd hours and he isn't a very big phone person.

Mom was in the same state as me (although 4 hours away...) and we talked every single day.

But yeah... I love my Dad a lot and I literally live in fear of the day I will lose him.

I am so glad we got to go to the concert together.

I am so glad that it's a memory we'll have together.

We were talking about the last concert we each saw.

I told him the last concert I saw was Mötley Crüe in 2011 with my boyfriend.
He said the last concert he saw was Mötley Crüe with Pink Floyd with my Mom (and that was sometime in the 90s).

How funny?

That's all.

Just wanted to give a quick update.

Thanks for reading. 

xoxo.