2013: A Reflection

So everyone typically starts making new years resolutions at this point.

I've never really been one for those.

I always have the same typically resolutions:

1. lose weight

2. eat better

3. dedicate more time to school

4. do more good in the world

I don't even really care this year. 

I'm actually ready for 2013 to end.

It started off good. I was trying to lose weight and dropped about 15 lbs.

Only to have everything happen with Mom shortly after that.

April seemed like the longest month ever.

The rest of the year flew by.

I spent the entire month of May crying and grieving hard.

June was pretty much the same but I at least made it out of the house and I helped coach that little girl in a pageant which brought some happiness to my life.

July was hard because I was taking 3 classes in a summer session.

I remember taking exams with tears in my eyes just because I would cry randomly all the time but I couldn't risk failing my exams because of my emotions.

So I pushed through it.

I remember my boyfriend standing behind me, rubbing my shoulders, calming me down to get though the exam.

He's been so great.

So then August came and I passed all of my classes, earning my first 3.5 at my college.

Completing my first semester of school without my Mom.

Couldn't tell her of my success.

August was the start of a hard semester, taking 21 hours of classes.
Somehow though, I passed everything.
It wasn't without a lot of hard work and a lot of tears.
It wasn't without wanting to give up and quit.
It wasn't without me feeling like nothing mattered anymore because Mom wasn't here.
But I did it.
I have a will to push on.
I promised Mom I'd graduate and that is the last promise I ever made her before she died and I'm going to do it.

A lot of great things happened to me.
I went to the career fair in October to look for an internship and not only was picked among many applicants, I have a paid internship and will have a job after I graduate.
I thought my financial situation would keep me from finishing my last year of school but amazing things have happened there as well.
God has certainly been blessing me in many ways.
It just sucks the hard loss I had to take last year.

I anticipate April to be a hard month for me as it is the month of mom's birthday and death day.
Nearly every day in April I can remember being with her at the hospital in Austin up to the day of her death.
It's also the last month before graduation...with dead week being the last week of the month.
But I'll make it through it.
I know I will.
:)

Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3

Thanksgiving 2013

My first big holiday without Mom and specifically our holiday we always shared together.

I stayed the night with one of my close cousins the night before Thanksgiving. 

Me, my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and one of their friends all played drinking games and hungout. 

It was fun.

The next morning we were going to spend Thanksgiving with some extended family on my Mom's side.

I had a cute little outfit picked out and I was getting ready I thought about Mom.

She used to wear these high socks and scrunch them down.

She also had a lot of cute flat boots.

She would get all festive for her job where she waited tables when I was younger.

So she'd wear a festive Christmas sweater and some big wreath earrings and stuff.

With each article of clothing I put on I felt like I was probably looking very much like her.

Headband with a bow.

Giant sparkly earrings.

Sequin sweater.

Leggings.

Black flat boots.

As I was in the bathroom fixing my hair I felt this lightness around me.

It was a random change I felt in the air around me.

It was weird.

I was thinking "You're dressing like your Mom you weirdo."
and then I had this thought "You're the new Gina."
and then this feeling came over me "and that's okay."
It was like that thought came from somewhere else.
Like Mom was whispering to me telling me it was okay.
That people look at me and see her and it comforts them. 

I could just be weird and overly hopeful....

My mind could be playing tricks on me with me being so sad knowing she wasn't going to be around this Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure.

I just know what I felt.

After that we went to my boyfriend's parents and we all saw a movie together.
On the drive over there my thoughts took a turn for the worst and I had to force myself to feel numb and keep everything inside so I wouldn't ruin everyone else's day with my emotions.

My boyfriend knew what I was feeling and he tried really hard to be comforting.

There wasn't really anything that could be done.

Just get through the day.

I did.

It wasn't a bad Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't anything like I wanted it to be.

It didn't feel right.

Even if I couldn't be with Mom I was with no one in my immediate family.

My sister is in Alabama.

My brother is in Wyoming.

My Dad and Grandma are in Florida.

My other Grandma hurt her back and couldn't drive to our family's where the dinner was at.

So I was just there watching all of these other people with their kids and their mom's and their grandma's and their grandpa's...and it sucked.

A lot of times I feel like Mom was my connection to everything and everyone and that without her I'm not connected anymore...

Just sucks.

That's all.

I figured some of my readers may be looking to see how I felt on Thanksgiving so I better do an update.

Anyway,

This week starts dead week and then finals week and then I start my internship.

So I am going to be pretty busy and don't know if y'all will see an update from me.

That's all.