100 Months

It has been 100 months since my Mom passed away. Her loss was the first hard loss I have ever encountered in my life. I was not prepared as she was young and it was sudden. I was not prepared as I had never experienced grief before. I was not prepared as losing a parent or a parent like figure was not something I had experienced.

I was withdrawn. I was so sensitive. I would randomly cry all the time. I could be doing homework and start crying. I could be in the classroom of one of my college courses and just start silently crying. I hated going anywhere or being around people because I knew I could have a breakdown any minute and I didn't want the "What's wrong?" questions being asked. No one is ever prepared for the answer "My mom is dead - that's whats wrong." I started to just avoid going out and being around people or in crowds of people who didn't really know what I was going through. A lot of people who did not know me perceived me as a bitch because I would come off as cold. I poured myself into my schoolwork to try to not think about the loss all of the time. Even with the intense focus on school I was barely pulling good grades. It was enough to pass. It's hard to push the sadness aside to live your life.

So here I am - experiencing probably the 2nd most painful loss of my entire life. My Grandmother. Who was such an amazing woman. I am so lucky to have known her almost 34 years of my life. She was ALWAYS there. She was such a solid piece of my life. I could count on her. I loved her so much. I don't even have words for how much I loved her. It's been 8 years since I lost my Mom. The first year was so hard. I barely remember it. I don't want to lose myself again with this loss. I feel like my experience with Mom should have prepared me for this. But I still am finding myself not knowing what to do. 

Today I had my first moment of going to call Grandma. Followed by the realization that I could not call her. That she would not answer. That's another punch to the gut. Another twist of the knife in my heart.

I have decided to schedule some grief therapy to maybe try to get ahead on ways to cope with this. This last week has been hard. I've just been so tired. All I want to do is sleep. Like when I'm very depressed. When I'm awake I am so sad. It takes a lot for me to try to not feel that sadness. It takes a lot of energy just to focus on work. I need help. I need to know how to navigate through this in a healthy way to where I don't lose myself, my life, my job and let everything I care about and have worked hard for fall by the wayside

Grief Round 2

Welcome to the new world. A world impacted by a virus.

July 22nd I got news that my grandfather had died from COVID. We were very close when I was a kid. He retired to another country. A developing country. He didn't even get to be buried because anyone who passes of COVID there had to be cremated. We would chat every once in a while when he was able to make it out to an internet cafe. We'd catch up. The last thing he told me was how proud he was of me and my sister. I loved him a lot and have nothing but good memories of him.

2 days later my Grandmother (not the one who was married to him) was hospitalized due to COVID and delirium caused by other acute infections. The day I found out she was in the hospital I was getting ready to throw my stuff into my car and drive there, only to find out because she is a COVID patient she is not allowed any visitors. The hospital system had a rule that a COVID positive patient could not have any visitors until 20 days after their initial positive test. In the middle of her stay they changed it to 30 days due to the delta variant. We had to fight for an exception to be made for us to see her. (Us = myself & my dad) We finally got there that weekend. We took shifts being with her on Saturday and Sunday. In her delirious state she still recognized us. She asked for my sister by name. She called me by name. She told me the time on the clock on the wall. Sunday she was coughing a LOT and I kept making the nurse and anyone staff member who came into her room while I was there aware of it. But she was ordered to be NPO and so I couldn't give her anything to clear her throat or help her. I kept asking them to help her. I even expressed this to the doctor later that evening when my Dad was there but I was back at our hotel room. They ordered a chest x-ray. Which came back showing extreme progression of her COVID related pneumonia. There were 16 days between this chest x-ray and the one before it. 16 days that pneumonia was getting worse and no one was doing anything about it. By the time it was seen it was too late. She coded that Tuesday, was brought back with chest compressions but was then moved to ICU and intubated. She passed away that Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday 08.17.21: We got the news of her coding around 7am. We had came back to my house which was about 4 hours from the hospital. We had a meeting set up at 2pm with some of the hospital staff to discuss areas of concern regarding her care. We got back there around 12pm. Stopped to eat before our meeting and then went to the hospital a little earlier before our meeting. At 1:50am we were at the ICU to meet the staff to have our discussion but they encouraged us to see my Grandma first. It's a good thing we did because she was barely hanging on. Her vitals were very low on the monitor. Her body temperature was so low they had some sort of heating blanket on her that was radiating excessive heat. She was being kept alive by all of these machines and it looked so cruel and awful. But my sister was on her way to the airport. We were hoping she would get there before Grandma passed away. But Grandma could not hold on. I held her hand and cried. I told her how much we loved her. How much our family loved her. Her vitals started dropping more and the doctor came in and said that she was passing and asked permission to remove her tube - which my Dad gave. I called my sister and put the phone on speaker and put it next to Grandma's ear so that she could tell her goodbye. I removed her restraints from her wrists and held her hand. Dad held her hand. I just cried. Her vitals stopped registering on the monitor but I didn't want to let go. We got there at 1:50pm and she was gone by 2:40pm.

This would be the 2nd family member I would have to watch have a tube removed from them and them pass away. Yes I could choose to not be there in the room when they pass away - but it does not feel right to let someone die alone. Especially someone you care so deeply for. There are no words to explain the love I have for this Grandmother of mine.

Changes

It's weird that the last time I wrote a post was exactly 1 year ago today...But this day always has it's significance. Being the last day I'd ever talk to my Mom. The day she sustained her brain injury that would eventually take her out of my life forever.

It has gotten easier....You'd think...or has it? Last night I knew this day was coming, along with the other 17 days of shit memories of her being hospital until the day she passed. It's been 5 years. I think is she proud of me? But then my thoughts go really negative because I'm good at being mean to myself....I thought to myself that I was a shit daughter because I don't think of her daily like I used to. Like I did all of 2013 and a significant part of 2014...then the thoughts of her started to not occur as often. Am I getting over losing her? Am I forgetting her? Or did I have to rebuild my life? My reality...my life was changed and I had to learn a new reality.  My new reality is a life without her. I feel if I thought about her too much I would live in a more permanent state of sadness. In another negative thought I felt like a shit sister. I feel like I failed my Mom because my brother isn't showing much initiative in going to college. She worked so hard to instill this in me and my sister and I know he lost her so early in his life that I feel he missed that emphasis from her. I felt it was my job to push that and I didn't do it enough...It's hard with him being states away. But yeah....when I start beating myself up my mind goes hard.

I spent all of 2017 working on my mental health and I'm proud of how far I've come. But I try to push out negative thoughts as soon as they begin manifesting in my mind. I've set some goals for the month and am aiming to focus on something that would be good for me to keep myself from falling into that negative mindset that I know I tend to experience from April 3rd - April 27th...

I don't know what to say. 5 years...a new reality. A new way of coping. Feeling like I'm doing it wrong...I don't have any real sound advice for anyone going through this or reaching this point. These are just random thoughts.

Daily Gratitudes

I recently started trying to think of something to be grateful for everyday. This led me to purchasing a gratitude journal. Today is my first entry in that journal. Today is also 4 years from the date my mom had her aneurysm rupture. I am working on taking the negative feelings I have associated with April and changing my mentality so this month isn't as hard on me. So today's gratitude has to do with her.

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY
...that I had a good enough relationship with my Mom to where we spoke often. I am grateful that we spoke on this day 4 years ago, just hours before her aneurysm happened. I am grateful her last words to me were kind and motherly.

It Calls Me

And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide
Always falling yet rising

I will carry you here in my heart
You remind me
That come what may
I know the way

The section of lyrics from Moana - Song of the Ancestors always makes me think of Mom 💜

Dear Mom II....

Dear Mom,

In September I was contacted by a recruiter for a company I applied at during the summer about an open position he thought I would be interested in. For the past month I have been interviewing for a really great career opportunity. I made it to the top 3 candidates and that alone was such an honor to me. Houston is very competitive in the job market. Last week the company extended me the offer for the position and after I've completed all of my new hire stuff, I will officially be starting. I am so excited about this and I know you would be elated. My hard work is finally paying off and I am so excited for this opportunity. I really wanted to share this news with you and it's almost Thanksgiving which is OUR holiday and I miss you terribly and the thought of yet another Thanksgiving without you makes me so sad. But you should know that I am working hard and trying to do good in my life to make you proud. I have hard days and there are times where I feel like is unfair or everything is going wrong but I never give up.

I miss you.
I love you.
I hope you're proud.

 Love always, Your brown haired, brown eyed baby girl

Dear Mom I

I am going to start something new called "Dear Mom". It is going to be things I wish I could tell my Mom now or things that remind me of her that made me want to call her, etc.

Dear Mom,

I have been thinking about you a lot this week. No real reason why that I can think of. Tonight I went on a Paranormal Pub Tour with S, her husband and R. It wasn't like a ghost hunt. It was more of an informative tour I guess you'd say. The guide told us a lot about some of the oldest buildings in downtown Houston and some stories about people dying in certain buildings and reports of their ghosts still being there. I just had a good time and it made me think a lot of you. Last weekend we went to Renfest and oh my goodness, so much of that place reminds me of growing up. Even the smells. It made me think of you and just smile. How non-traditional our childhood was but yet so fascinating and fun when I think about it. I'm glad you were my Mom and now that I'm older there is so much I realize you had to do and deal with and I am truly grateful. and sorry for being a bratty teenager because I know I was hard to deal with. I remember you were about 28 or 29 when you dyed your hair black. I remember it being black with a purple hue. This week I dyed my hair for the first time ever and for some reason it made me think of you and when you dyed yours. It was a hard adjustment for me to see you go from very blonde to such dark hair. But now it's one of the ways I remember you most.

So...I just miss you and things make me think of you often. <3

I love you so much.