Mom, we did it!

On Saturday May 10th I was the first female in my family to graduate college with a bachelors degree. I moved back to Texas in 2009 to be closer to my Mom (and I'm so glad that I did). She wanted me to attend a Texas college and she always wanted me to go to school for computers but I refused and pursued nursing. After leaving my nursing program in Alabama and not being able to get into a nursing program in Texas, I changed my major to Information Technology and she was ecstatic. So, this weekend I achieved her dream and my dream. We did it and I have set a precedent for young women in this family that I hope they will strive to achieve and surpass. 

Graduation was phenomenal. My graduation party was beautiful. I never imagined I'd experience anything that awesome and so personalized in my life. It was so much more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I can't quite put into words how I felt with everyone being there and everyone celebrating my accomplishment. I'm so blessed for the people in my life. For everyone supporting me. For those that have sacrificed to help make my life easier while I try to finish school. For those who were there for me to lean on for emotional support in the past year as I struggled to push through and deal with my grief all at the same time. I am truly blessed.

Some photos from my Tiffany's themed graduation party.

It's kinda funny because in a sense I feel like I have more people in my life that care about me than ever before. I guess tough situations really do show you who your REAL friends and family are, and lucky for me, I have gained a lot more than I've lost.

Me and my Daddy after graduation. <3

I just wanted to share with those of you that follow me that I did it. It was very hard, sitting in my chair before it was time for the College of Science and Mathematics graduates to be called up there. I was looking around for everyone that I knew that came to see me graduate and each time I realized I wouldn't see Mom. It was very hard knowing she wasn't going to be there. As I walked to my chair among the Class of 2014 graduates the chair of the Computer Science Department stopped me and told me he was proud of me. Then as I was about to receive my "degree" the advisor for the COSM told me I had worked so hard and how proud she was of me. Each of these people knew what I had been through and it meant so much to me for them to say these things. I fought back tears the entire time. Thank God for my graduating classmates, (which were all boys, I was the only girl to receive the IT degree), if I looked sad or teared up they'd joke with me or make me laugh. They really kept me from losing it. I really wish I had taken a picture with all of them.

I am fortunate enough to have been extended a full time position with the company I interned for this past semester. I'm the concept designer for our software and I am happy to have a job in my field of study. I know many college graduates aren't so lucky but that is why I made the decision to pursue a technical degree.

I guess that is all. I had started this post the day after graduation but forgot to publish it. So, sorry it's so late.

Here are some graduation pictures and graduation senior pictures as well. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you...

So, today marks the 1 year "anniversary" of Mom's passing.

Yesterday was the actual 1 year from the day that we pulled her off life support and waited for her to pass. We waited for her to leave her human body of suffering and go into the spirit realm and be welcomed by God and our other family members we have lost.

I know in my heart that she is in a better place. Far better than if we had kept her on machines for the rest of her life. I know she's where she should be given the situation. But I can't help but feel selfish. Graduation is 20 days away and I seriously do not want to graduate without her being here. I can't help but feel that way. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen without her. I'm scared of taking these next big steps in my life without her. I consult with my boyfriend's parents about career questions and post-graduation questions but I wish I could talk to her too. She would be beyond ecstatic seeing my graduation invitations and my stoles and helping me decide between chords or medallions (which I consulted with many family members about). 

I haven't dreamed about her in a long time. Sometimes I can hear her though. When I'm doing something I shouldn't especially like skipping class to sleep in, I can almost hear her say my first and middle name with that you-know-better tone.

I feel lost. It's been 1 year and I still feel very lost without her. One of my good friends who lost his Mom last year said it best "I can see myself, I can see where I'm supposed to be but I'm just a little too far. I'm out of reach." It truly feels that way and I am not sure that if you haven't lost someone close to you that makes up so much of your world, that you know what he's describing.

I have been hurting so long that I think I made myself be numb. I appear okay to most people. I cry probably once every other week now instead of every day. I do most of what I'm supposed to do. I'm still struggling with being social and would much rather crawl into bed and watch movies with my cats than to go out and be around people. I can't help it. It is seriously like the worst break up of all time. I literally feel like a piece of my heart broke a year ago. Sometimes when I remember everything that happened during those 17 days she was in the hospital I can feel it breaking all over again. I can feel the pain all over again and the rest of the time I just feel this hole inside of my heart. The heart feels. I'm already a very emotional person. I'm not good at concealing my feelings from people. I have to get whatever is bothering me off my chest at that very moment. So dealing with this and trying to hide how I feel is not an option. I will cry wherever I am. I remember last semester when I started crying silently in one of my classes.

I hurt inside. I hurt without her. I have needed advice from her SO many times this past year and it has killed me to not be able to talk to her. I miss her voice and I have horrible nightmares and thoughts that I may one day forget how she sounded. I have my sister and one of my cousins that I am really close with. My sister has a different perspective on death and loss and she's really good at dealing with her emotions so sometimes it can be hard to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I'm still feeling this way. My cousin just lost her Mom on April 4th, and it was devastating for so many of us so I don't feel like I can lean on her right now. Even though if she reads this post she will message me after and tell me I can talk to her about anything because she's the sweetest, most caring person ever.

So, it's Easter and I'm with my boyfriend's family. We hit our 3 year anniversary last week of being together and I am so truly grateful for his parents and everything they do. I wish my sister, Dad and paternal Grandma all lived here though so I could spend more holidays with them. Mom was my in-state family that I could visit and spend holidays with. Everyone has that part of their family that is their immediate family (whether by blood or choice). While I am very grateful for my boyfriend's parents, I wish my family was closer so we could have more holidays together. I think it would do me good to see them on a more regular basis. I haven't seen any of them since Mom's passing a year ago and I won't see them for another 20 days. Hopefully after I graduate I can see them more. 

So anyway, I am about to go celebrate Easter with my boyfriend's family. Here is a status my sister posted on Facebook today that I thought was beautiful and insightful.

"Today as I celebrate Easter with my family I do so with a heavy heart. On this day one year ago my family and I made the hardest decision we have probably ever made. Having to make the decision to take someone you love off life support is a difficult thing to do. However today is a day of remembrance...a day to remember that Jesus died for our sins and a day to know that the loved ones you lost are celebrating this wonderful day with the person we celebrate it for. How can we mourn for those people. We should be celebrating for them for they are in the presence of God and they are enjoying the true meaning of this holiday in person. So even though today marks 1 year of us being without my mom for her it marks 1 year that she's been in the presence of God and what a day to celebrate that!"

Rest In Peace Mom - You are surely not forgotten, always remembered and missed.We hope you're dancing in the sky, barbecuing with Uncle Freddy, Grandma Poppy and Winky and watching us all we we miss you dearly. <3

Change now it’s time for change, nothing stays the same

So a lot has been going on in my life that has impacting me in my studies and obviously updating this blog. I had an infected tooth that was hurting me for a while and I was seen on Feb. 4^th for it. They were booked for the entire month so I couldn’t make an appointment until march 6^th. The pain became so bad that it would wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up. I tried to go to class while in pain and I couldn’t do anything except hold my face and wince in pain. I hardly heard a thing my professor said. So consequently, I missed about 2 weeks of classes. I finally BEGGED my dentist to see me before our appointment and get got me in last week (2/12/14) and did the root canal. I had an exam on 2/13 and I was still in pain. But I am finally over that and have been playing catch up with my studies. I had a 2 part exam yesterday/today and I think I did pretty good on it.

During this time last year I was dealing with some serious issues with my depression/anxiety. My mom was helping me get through it. She knew my personality well and she knew what to say that would motivate me and not make me want to crawl back in bed. The bed is my safe place. I feel at peace there. I have felt that way ever since I was kid. When life gets really really hard, all I want to do is curl up in the covers, cuddle my cats and sleep endlessly. There have been times when I have thought that death would be better than the struggles I seem to constantly face in life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suicidal by any means. I could never take my own life and I’d never do that to my family. Just sometimes I feel like the universe throws so many obstacles my way. Mom used to say that God put so much on because I was a very strong person and I could handle it. She said if he put those same struggles on someone who appeared to not deal with as much as me, it would break them and possibly cause them to end their life. She kinda made it sound like my duty. But I’ve been missing her a lot. My depression got the better of me recently with missing class due to my tooth, the pain in my tooth, the lack of sleep and a professor who nearly outright refuses to work with me. It’s times like this when I would call her for those pieces of advice, those words I needed to hear from her, that encouraged me and reminded me of the strong woman I am. But now I can’t call her. And mind you, there is NO ONE in this world who has been able to say things to me to bring me the comfort of those words. She just knew me…and she knew what to say…and how to say it…and I miss that a lot. I’m going to miss that for the rest of my life.

But, I’m picking up the pieces and trying to go back to doing good in my classes. The first step is actually attending them again. LOL. I refuse to let anything stop me from graduating. Just like I refuse to let my stomach condition stop me and refuse to let her passing stop me. I promised her May 2014 and damn it, I meant it.

This semester is a constant reminder of her. I can look back on Facebook messages we shared a year ago on this date and I do that frequently to remember her advice she was giving me when I was going through that. My boyfriend’s mom called me the other night when I was having a break down and it was really really nice of her to do it. She asked me what I would say to my Mom if I could talk to her and I started telling her and we ended up in conversation, conversation that I would probably have had with my Mom if she were still here. I appreciate his family so much. I also appreciate my family a lot too. I recently learned that one of my cousins lost her Mom at a really young age while she was away at college and so she resonates with how I feel and that is comforting. It’s hard sometimes when people don’t understand what you’re going through. I can honestly say I felt bad for people who lost their parents prior to me losing mom, but I didn’t truly understand that pain until last year when it happened to me and now when someone posts their parent or close family is in the hospital or that they lost them, I literally feel pangs of heartbreak for them.

So, today is 80 days until graduation. I have to have oral surgery on March 10^th which is the first day of my Spring Break. Yay for my last Spring break being awesome (not).

I guess that is all. I wanted to give a quick update so y’all know what’s going on.

Off to college, yes you went away, straight from high school, you up and left me...

So, the semester started and I am as unmotivated as it gets.

On top of that, my stomach problems are occurring more often and are worse and I have also been having LOTS of tooth pain, which I can nothing about since I have NO insurance right now.

That is the 1 thing I am looking forward to after graduation.

I'm going to be like "BRING ON THE INSURANCES!"

So, I'm trying to get on the ball and do what I'm supposed to do...but it's just not feeling easy for me.

I'm missing Mom A LOT.
I kinda felt this way last Spring semester and I even found Facebook messages where I was talking to her about how I was feeling.
She would encourage me and say "Getting out of bed is the first step."

This week it was announced that her favorite band: Mötley Crüe is having their farewell tour.

I ALWAYS wanted us to see them together and she was really mad at me for taking my boyfriend in 2011 instead of her.

I told myself I'd get another chance to take her one day and now I won't.

I contacted my Dad because he and my mom both loved Mötley Crüe when I was growing up and I have such good memories tied to their music and I love them as well.

So we're going to try to go together.

I don't want to make that same mistake again.

Dad and I love seeing live music together, so I really hope we get to see them.

Today (the date I started writing this post 1/30) is officially 100 days until graduation.
I need to step up my game or else I will not be graduating...

Last Thursday it snowed here, which is pretty uncommon for this part of Texas and we were ecstatic.

I really wanted to call Mom and tell her about it.

There's so much I want to tell her.

There's so many times I want to call her.
I haven't dreamed about her since like, last June I think and I hate that.

I wish she would come visit me in my dreams or something.

I hate death. 

I hate how final it is.

I've been very sick this week and I had to leave work early yesterday. I tried to stick it out for my entire shift, but it became really hard once I started running fever.
I know in the real adult world you have to go to work even when you're sick...so I was trying to be adult about it.
Eventually I was just laying my head against the wall accomplishing nothing.

There are times where I watch movies and stuff about the dead coming back and it makes me so very sad.
Especially in Vampire Diaries.
I guess that is all I really have to say.
I really miss my Mom.

2013: A Reflection

So everyone typically starts making new years resolutions at this point.

I've never really been one for those.

I always have the same typically resolutions:

1. lose weight

2. eat better

3. dedicate more time to school

4. do more good in the world

I don't even really care this year. 

I'm actually ready for 2013 to end.

It started off good. I was trying to lose weight and dropped about 15 lbs.

Only to have everything happen with Mom shortly after that.

April seemed like the longest month ever.

The rest of the year flew by.

I spent the entire month of May crying and grieving hard.

June was pretty much the same but I at least made it out of the house and I helped coach that little girl in a pageant which brought some happiness to my life.

July was hard because I was taking 3 classes in a summer session.

I remember taking exams with tears in my eyes just because I would cry randomly all the time but I couldn't risk failing my exams because of my emotions.

So I pushed through it.

I remember my boyfriend standing behind me, rubbing my shoulders, calming me down to get though the exam.

He's been so great.

So then August came and I passed all of my classes, earning my first 3.5 at my college.

Completing my first semester of school without my Mom.

Couldn't tell her of my success.

August was the start of a hard semester, taking 21 hours of classes.
Somehow though, I passed everything.
It wasn't without a lot of hard work and a lot of tears.
It wasn't without wanting to give up and quit.
It wasn't without me feeling like nothing mattered anymore because Mom wasn't here.
But I did it.
I have a will to push on.
I promised Mom I'd graduate and that is the last promise I ever made her before she died and I'm going to do it.

A lot of great things happened to me.
I went to the career fair in October to look for an internship and not only was picked among many applicants, I have a paid internship and will have a job after I graduate.
I thought my financial situation would keep me from finishing my last year of school but amazing things have happened there as well.
God has certainly been blessing me in many ways.
It just sucks the hard loss I had to take last year.

I anticipate April to be a hard month for me as it is the month of mom's birthday and death day.
Nearly every day in April I can remember being with her at the hospital in Austin up to the day of her death.
It's also the last month before graduation...with dead week being the last week of the month.
But I'll make it through it.
I know I will.
:)

Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3

Thanksgiving 2013

My first big holiday without Mom and specifically our holiday we always shared together.

I stayed the night with one of my close cousins the night before Thanksgiving. 

Me, my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and one of their friends all played drinking games and hungout. 

It was fun.

The next morning we were going to spend Thanksgiving with some extended family on my Mom's side.

I had a cute little outfit picked out and I was getting ready I thought about Mom.

She used to wear these high socks and scrunch them down.

She also had a lot of cute flat boots.

She would get all festive for her job where she waited tables when I was younger.

So she'd wear a festive Christmas sweater and some big wreath earrings and stuff.

With each article of clothing I put on I felt like I was probably looking very much like her.

Headband with a bow.

Giant sparkly earrings.

Sequin sweater.

Leggings.

Black flat boots.

As I was in the bathroom fixing my hair I felt this lightness around me.

It was a random change I felt in the air around me.

It was weird.

I was thinking "You're dressing like your Mom you weirdo."
and then I had this thought "You're the new Gina."
and then this feeling came over me "and that's okay."
It was like that thought came from somewhere else.
Like Mom was whispering to me telling me it was okay.
That people look at me and see her and it comforts them. 

I could just be weird and overly hopeful....

My mind could be playing tricks on me with me being so sad knowing she wasn't going to be around this Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure.

I just know what I felt.

After that we went to my boyfriend's parents and we all saw a movie together.
On the drive over there my thoughts took a turn for the worst and I had to force myself to feel numb and keep everything inside so I wouldn't ruin everyone else's day with my emotions.

My boyfriend knew what I was feeling and he tried really hard to be comforting.

There wasn't really anything that could be done.

Just get through the day.

I did.

It wasn't a bad Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't anything like I wanted it to be.

It didn't feel right.

Even if I couldn't be with Mom I was with no one in my immediate family.

My sister is in Alabama.

My brother is in Wyoming.

My Dad and Grandma are in Florida.

My other Grandma hurt her back and couldn't drive to our family's where the dinner was at.

So I was just there watching all of these other people with their kids and their mom's and their grandma's and their grandpa's...and it sucked.

A lot of times I feel like Mom was my connection to everything and everyone and that without her I'm not connected anymore...

Just sucks.

That's all.

I figured some of my readers may be looking to see how I felt on Thanksgiving so I better do an update.

Anyway,

This week starts dead week and then finals week and then I start my internship.

So I am going to be pretty busy and don't know if y'all will see an update from me.

That's all.