Off to college, yes you went away, straight from high school, you up and left me...

So, the semester started and I am as unmotivated as it gets.

On top of that, my stomach problems are occurring more often and are worse and I have also been having LOTS of tooth pain, which I can nothing about since I have NO insurance right now.

That is the 1 thing I am looking forward to after graduation.

I'm going to be like "BRING ON THE INSURANCES!"

So, I'm trying to get on the ball and do what I'm supposed to do...but it's just not feeling easy for me.

I'm missing Mom A LOT.
I kinda felt this way last Spring semester and I even found Facebook messages where I was talking to her about how I was feeling.
She would encourage me and say "Getting out of bed is the first step."

This week it was announced that her favorite band: Mötley Crüe is having their farewell tour.

I ALWAYS wanted us to see them together and she was really mad at me for taking my boyfriend in 2011 instead of her.

I told myself I'd get another chance to take her one day and now I won't.

I contacted my Dad because he and my mom both loved Mötley Crüe when I was growing up and I have such good memories tied to their music and I love them as well.

So we're going to try to go together.

I don't want to make that same mistake again.

Dad and I love seeing live music together, so I really hope we get to see them.

Today (the date I started writing this post 1/30) is officially 100 days until graduation.
I need to step up my game or else I will not be graduating...

Last Thursday it snowed here, which is pretty uncommon for this part of Texas and we were ecstatic.

I really wanted to call Mom and tell her about it.

There's so much I want to tell her.

There's so many times I want to call her.
I haven't dreamed about her since like, last June I think and I hate that.

I wish she would come visit me in my dreams or something.

I hate death. 

I hate how final it is.

I've been very sick this week and I had to leave work early yesterday. I tried to stick it out for my entire shift, but it became really hard once I started running fever.
I know in the real adult world you have to go to work even when you're sick...so I was trying to be adult about it.
Eventually I was just laying my head against the wall accomplishing nothing.

There are times where I watch movies and stuff about the dead coming back and it makes me so very sad.
Especially in Vampire Diaries.
I guess that is all I really have to say.
I really miss my Mom.

2013: A Reflection

So everyone typically starts making new years resolutions at this point.

I've never really been one for those.

I always have the same typically resolutions:

1. lose weight

2. eat better

3. dedicate more time to school

4. do more good in the world

I don't even really care this year. 

I'm actually ready for 2013 to end.

It started off good. I was trying to lose weight and dropped about 15 lbs.

Only to have everything happen with Mom shortly after that.

April seemed like the longest month ever.

The rest of the year flew by.

I spent the entire month of May crying and grieving hard.

June was pretty much the same but I at least made it out of the house and I helped coach that little girl in a pageant which brought some happiness to my life.

July was hard because I was taking 3 classes in a summer session.

I remember taking exams with tears in my eyes just because I would cry randomly all the time but I couldn't risk failing my exams because of my emotions.

So I pushed through it.

I remember my boyfriend standing behind me, rubbing my shoulders, calming me down to get though the exam.

He's been so great.

So then August came and I passed all of my classes, earning my first 3.5 at my college.

Completing my first semester of school without my Mom.

Couldn't tell her of my success.

August was the start of a hard semester, taking 21 hours of classes.
Somehow though, I passed everything.
It wasn't without a lot of hard work and a lot of tears.
It wasn't without wanting to give up and quit.
It wasn't without me feeling like nothing mattered anymore because Mom wasn't here.
But I did it.
I have a will to push on.
I promised Mom I'd graduate and that is the last promise I ever made her before she died and I'm going to do it.

A lot of great things happened to me.
I went to the career fair in October to look for an internship and not only was picked among many applicants, I have a paid internship and will have a job after I graduate.
I thought my financial situation would keep me from finishing my last year of school but amazing things have happened there as well.
God has certainly been blessing me in many ways.
It just sucks the hard loss I had to take last year.

I anticipate April to be a hard month for me as it is the month of mom's birthday and death day.
Nearly every day in April I can remember being with her at the hospital in Austin up to the day of her death.
It's also the last month before graduation...with dead week being the last week of the month.
But I'll make it through it.
I know I will.
:)

Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3

Thanksgiving 2013

My first big holiday without Mom and specifically our holiday we always shared together.

I stayed the night with one of my close cousins the night before Thanksgiving. 

Me, my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and one of their friends all played drinking games and hungout. 

It was fun.

The next morning we were going to spend Thanksgiving with some extended family on my Mom's side.

I had a cute little outfit picked out and I was getting ready I thought about Mom.

She used to wear these high socks and scrunch them down.

She also had a lot of cute flat boots.

She would get all festive for her job where she waited tables when I was younger.

So she'd wear a festive Christmas sweater and some big wreath earrings and stuff.

With each article of clothing I put on I felt like I was probably looking very much like her.

Headband with a bow.

Giant sparkly earrings.

Sequin sweater.

Leggings.

Black flat boots.

As I was in the bathroom fixing my hair I felt this lightness around me.

It was a random change I felt in the air around me.

It was weird.

I was thinking "You're dressing like your Mom you weirdo."
and then I had this thought "You're the new Gina."
and then this feeling came over me "and that's okay."
It was like that thought came from somewhere else.
Like Mom was whispering to me telling me it was okay.
That people look at me and see her and it comforts them. 

I could just be weird and overly hopeful....

My mind could be playing tricks on me with me being so sad knowing she wasn't going to be around this Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure.

I just know what I felt.

After that we went to my boyfriend's parents and we all saw a movie together.
On the drive over there my thoughts took a turn for the worst and I had to force myself to feel numb and keep everything inside so I wouldn't ruin everyone else's day with my emotions.

My boyfriend knew what I was feeling and he tried really hard to be comforting.

There wasn't really anything that could be done.

Just get through the day.

I did.

It wasn't a bad Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't anything like I wanted it to be.

It didn't feel right.

Even if I couldn't be with Mom I was with no one in my immediate family.

My sister is in Alabama.

My brother is in Wyoming.

My Dad and Grandma are in Florida.

My other Grandma hurt her back and couldn't drive to our family's where the dinner was at.

So I was just there watching all of these other people with their kids and their mom's and their grandma's and their grandpa's...and it sucked.

A lot of times I feel like Mom was my connection to everything and everyone and that without her I'm not connected anymore...

Just sucks.

That's all.

I figured some of my readers may be looking to see how I felt on Thanksgiving so I better do an update.

Anyway,

This week starts dead week and then finals week and then I start my internship.

So I am going to be pretty busy and don't know if y'all will see an update from me.

That's all.

Another Perspective

My mom has 3 children. 

Me - the oldest, I'm 26 now. 

My sister, who is the middle child, she is 25 now and our little brother who is now 14. 

Since my Mom's passing my brother has moved to another state to live with his Dad. 

My sister is married and lives in another state as well and I live in Texas. 

So we're all a part. I kind of hate it, especially now.

My sister posted this status on her Facebook yesterday and I wanted to share it. I think it's sufficient to know how she feels in dealing with this. She always has a way of seeing a positive lesson from this experience when I can't put my own grief aside to see the value of these things. So, I wanted to share it. Some things have been changed/omitted for privacy reasons.

"On this day exactly one year ago, my sister and I were headed to --------, TX to surprise my mom for Thanksgiving. Today I'm having so many images of the smile that was on her face and the tears running down her cheeks as she saw her grandson and I get out of the car. A lot of memories from that day are flooding into my head as well as a lot of regrets. As a person who captures peoples memories on a daily basis it amazes me how few of my own I actually document. I regret not getting pictures of my mom and I, and my mom and her grandson. I regret that we chose to leave early Thanksgiving to go Black Friday shopping. If I knew then what I know now I never would have left, I'd give everything back that I bought just for those last few hours with her. 

I hope everyone realizes that the reason for Thanksgiving is not for the great deals the next morning or for the big football games that weekend. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what you have no matter how much or how little. We take so much for granted and don't realize that our time is short. And spending those last few hours with someone we love is so much more valuable than running out to find that great deal or leaving because you don't wanna miss the big game. 

No matter how sad of a day today may be one thing that I am thankful for is the fact that this day opens my eyes. It makes me realize what I have and that there is no guaranteeing I'll have it tomorrow. Something this day is teaching me is to live each moment like it's my last and that being with the people who I love and who love me back is so much more important than anything else. And because of this I will not be going Black Friday shopping this year. I will be spending the day with my family and making memories. In case next year I can no longer make them!"

These are the only pictures I have from Thanksgiving last year.

My boyfriend, me, my little brother, my sister and my nephew last Thanksgiving at our Mom's

Mom teaching her only grandchild to use her motorized wheelchair like a race car. :)

(and my sister giving me a funny look)

As we go on we remember all the times we had together

I have never been more proud of myself than I am now.

Tomorrow I will register for my last semester of college.

It feels like I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long and at the same time I'm kinda nervous and scared.

You spend so much time of your life in school (and I spent more time than most people) that it becomes kinda hard to think about a life without being in a classroom all the time or without assignments and projects and due dates.

I've been through a lot of things that would deter most people from pursuing their dreams.

In fact, I've even had to change my dream.

I just think about how proud mom must be of me.

For leaving Alabama and coming back to Texas; pretty much starting life over and on my own without much help.

The help I was convinced I had was entirely false and I thrown into a situation I wasn't prepared for.

I knew no one to help me where I lived in Texas.

I remember driving myself to the emergency room in excruciating pain thinking how ridiculous it was.

I got my own place. (that I sometimes miss)

I worked 40 hours a week and went to classes at the community college.

I just did what I had to.

I finally got in at a university (one that Mom wanted me to go to in Texas) after all of the issues with my credits from Alabama.

I gave up on nursing (reluctantly) and changed my major to something my mom really wanted me to do because she thought I'd be good at it.

and I cannot believe she won't be here for my graduation...

That hurts a lot.

I can't even explain the level of hurt that I feel thinking about that.

This week has just started and next week is Thanksgiving.

Just the word "Thanksgiving" makes me upset.

This was supposed to be the Thanksgiving where we say how thankful we are that Jessica is finally going to graduate college.

Where we celebrate the first female in our family to obtain a bachelors degree.

Where we make jokes at me for taking 8 years to get a bachelors degree.

Where we say how thankful we are that I survived a car wreck and still pursued my education despite my constant medical problems.

Where we are grateful that I have someone like my boyfriend in my life to help me when I'm feeling down.

Where I start thinking I would be able to help Mom & my little brother more financially and start having better holidays because I would have a career soon.

Now there's none of that.

While I am thankful for graduation coming up, and my boyfriend...

I am not thankful that Mom is gone.

I do not know how to even be thankful for this year.

Good things have happened in spite of losing Mom.

I have gotten much closer with certain members of my family.

I have discovered who is truly there for me and who is not.

My boyfriend's family and my Dad's side of the family have been working hard to make sure I am able to finish my last year of college.

This year has been a huge test of my strength and determination as a person.

It has been very hard.

This semester has been hard.

The summer was hard.

This holiday season is going to be hard.

and I just don't feel very thankful.

and I can't help that.

because honestly, I'd give up everything, all of those things, to have 1 conversation with Mom.

To take 1 more picture with her smiling.

I told my boyfriend today I didn't even want to do Thanksgiving anymore and that I just wanted to work somewhere to take my mind off of the holiday entirely.

I'm so scared that when visiting my family and his family that I'm just going to be crying the entire time.

Thanksgiving was mine and my mom's holiday.

I'll be gone in November...

Today (Mon. 11/4/13) is a sad day.

I think with the time change.

The nights getting darker earlier and everything it is impacting my mood/state of mind.

So, I just really miss Mom today.

I feel so sad.

I cried...a lot.

To the point that I gave myself a headache and can't focus on the work I had to do tonight.

I was feeling sad after I got off work and called like 3 people in my family hoping to talk to someone that would make me feel better but no one answered.

I hate that.

It feels like every time I really need someone to talk to there is no one.

I try not to put my emotions entirely on my boyfriend to deal with and I know he doesn't see it as as "deal with" issue but I still try to be considerate because I know he has a lot of stuff to do too.

Mom was always there to talk to.

I miss her voice.
I tried to remember how it sounded when she said my voice but I couldn't.

Every time I tried to recall all I could hear was my own voice.

and that's when I broke down.

Then I was crying so bad that I didn't even want to talk to anyone on the phone.

I didn't even want my boyfriend to see me crying so I came into the bedroom and shoved my face in a pillow but eventually he came in and saw I was upset.

And of course he was there for me like he always is.

and I'm grateful for that.

I feel so many things.

Like I feel like I have a lot of good things going for me and I don't have to worry about certain things right now that I was scared I'd be dealing with.

I'm moving closer and closer to college graduation.

I just wish Mom was here to share it with.

To tell it to.

To hear her excitement.

It just doesn't feel right without her here...

I get so upset thinking about how unfair it is that she's gone.

That is the thought that runs through my mind the most.

Mom's are so important.
I feel so bad for those that don't have a good relationship with their Mom.

It's not fair to lose your mom so early...

I feel like I still need her for so much.

I seriously don't know how I get through the days.

Bonnie is always watching over her friends in The Vampire Diaries.

I like to think that Mom is right beside me watching everything I do and supporting me through it.

But it doesn't change the fact that I miss that realness.

My boyfriend's parents asked us about Thanksgiving yesterday.

It was a reminder that it will be my first one without Mom in the past 4 years.


_______________________________________________________________

This is a two part post because I wrote the first half on Monday and then I'm writing a new half today(Thurs. 11/6/13).

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts of regret these days.
I feel like this should be mentioned because I don't really talk about it a lot and I think other people who have lost someone probably feel or have felt the same thing.



The last time I saw Mom before her going into the hospital on April 3rd was Thanksgiving.
I mentioned previously that my sister who lives in Alabama and I planned a secret Thanksgiving surprise for Mom and our family.
So anyway, we left Thanksgiving day to go stay with my boyfriend's parents because we were all going Black Friday shopping.
It was my first time doing this and my sister does it yearly so it was nice for her to kinda introduce me to doing it.

So, as it's November I keep thinking about how Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving and how I will not be going to her house this year and seeing all of the cats and her and grandma and my uncle and my brother.
In fact the only person out of those mentioned that I will get to see is my grandma.
It's kinda like I lost more than 1 person.
Anyway,
So I keep thinking about how we shouldn't have left on Thanksgiving and how we should have stayed another day and spent more time with her.
I hate it.
I hate regret so much.
It's the past and there is nothing I can do to change it
But my mind doesn't care...It's mean.



I also think about how I didn't visit her for Christmas.
But I never have visited her for Christmas I don't think.
Maybe in 2009 but I can't really remember.
I usually work on Christmas because I have needed the money.
I always negotiated at work that I HAD to have Thanksgiving off because it was the one holiday I had with my Mom and I would agree to work Christmas to ensure that.

So...I just feel bad.
I feel like I could have had more time.
I was planning on visiting her after finals last May as a late mother's day kinda thing.
But she never made it to Mother's Day....
and we never knew it would be our last holiday with her.

Ugh, just breaks my heart.