I'm everything I am because you loved me

I am missing mom terribly today.

I was at the campus at 6:30am because I had an exam at 8am and I was scared I was going to sleep through it.

I sat in the car listening to music and I don't know what happened but it hit me really hard that I was missing her.

I've also been having some crazy thoughts. 

There's someone "in" my life that is a really sorry excuse for a human being nevertheless a parent.

I can't stand him.

It makes me mad to think people like him are living when people like my Mom are gone.

It's just not fair to me.

I know everyone gives this whole "God only takes the best" thing...but that does not help me.

I really wish people had real comforting words.

Not cliche things.

I'm still waiting....

My boyfriend is about the only person that says the right thing.

As stated previously, 

I was interviewing for an internship.

Well, on Tuesday I got it.

It's probably one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a while.

I literally feel like I won a beauty pageant.

I know she'd be so proud and excited if I could tell her about it and hear her speak back to me.

I called my grandma (on her side) and told her about it.

Her reaction was over the top.

Everything I would have expected it to be from mom.

It was really awesome.

It was probably the closest thing I could have experienced that day to talking to Mom.

And these are the moments I knew would be hard.

My biggest achievements and successes.

Life changing moments.

This is just one step.

My future is arriving so quickly.

And she's not here to share it with me....

and I never imagined it'd be this way.

So I've been at work watching the slideshow my sister put online looking at her face and just missing her.

I miss her so bad.

It's really hard.

It's really hard to be this strong every day.

Then to mentally prepare myself to be focused and do all of my course work and attend my classes and everything.

That coupled with the unpredictable behavior of my stomach condition....

It's a lot to work through.

It's a lot to not lose it every day.

It's a lot to not give up.

But I wouldn't disgrace her memory like that.

She wants this for me.

To graduate.

To be successful.

I already have one foot in the door towards starting my career.

Everything seems to be flowing together.

Sometimes it seems like losing her was part of the plan God has for my life.

And I hate thinking that.

I don't want that to be part of the plan.

So...

that is all.

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave...that I made a difference and this world will see.

Yesterday marked 6 months since the day my mom passed away after we made the hard decision to take her off life support. 

I miss her so much but I can honestly say that I feel her with me from time to time, inspiring me and pushing me forward towards my goals. 

So much of what I do in my life is because at one point in my life she inspired me or she spoke words that I have remembered. 

The college I currently attend is because of her mentioning it and how much she loved this area and how beautiful it was.

She was so excited when I got accepted.

Because of her (& my daddy) I love classic rock more than any other genre of music and especially Motley Crue.
Because of her I have certain expectations of what my spouse should be
&
because of her I have certain standards on the kind of woman I should be. 

Because of her I know the value of an education and have seen first hand the struggle of a woman with no education.

I will never forget these any these things.

I feel much stronger than I was 6 months ago.

I honestly cannot believe this is where I am.

I miss her so much.

There is so much going on in my life that I want to share with her.

She was always the one that would be excited about me accomplishing these things on the path to accomplishing things.

I have been going through an interview process for an internship over the past week and I have made it to the 3rd and final round of the interview process.

I just know she'd be so excited about it.

I know she's watching me and is proud but I would give anything to hear those words from her.

I don't know where I would be without my support system.

My boyfriend, my sister, other family members and close friends who have taken the time to talk to me when I was feeling really sad or upset. All of you have helped me in some way and I am truly appreciative.

In Memory Of Regina L. Coulliette

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...

As my previous post stated,

I remember dates really well.

I can remember what I was doing on this day 6 months ago.

It was the day after Mom's initial coiling surgery, which failed because she had another aneurysm rupture as she was coming out of surgery.

That Thursday they said she probably wouldn't live past 48 hours.

I was in her room with her that Friday because it was her birthday.

I remember being in there playing her music from my phone.

She would sometimes open her eyes and attempt to look around.

She'd move her legs and arms.

They kept saying how good of a thing it was that she was doing those things because it meant she had better chances of making it.

I just knew she was going to make it.


(photo taken at the hospital of me holding Mom's hand)

I hate not having her here.

So many times I feel lost.

So many times I go to call her and then realize I can't talk to her.

With it being October I have been reflecting on last year.
Thanksgiving will be approaching soon and since I've moved back to Texas Thanksgiving has been OUR holiday.
Her, my grandma, my little brother, my uncle and me.
Now my brother is in another state with his Dad and Mom is gone...and I just don't know what to do with myself.
I don't have a lot of designated holidays in my life that I know where I'm going to be and who I'm going to be with.
It's one of the problems of your family being in so many locations.

Last year was a surprise Thanksgiving for her.
I had talked to my sister about coming to Texas from Alabama with my nephew and we kept it a secret from my Mom.
I started planning this in September of last year.
My mom spent nearly the entire month of October and November at her best friend's house and I so scared she wasn't going to be home for Thanksgiving that I kept telling her "You're going to miss out." if she wasn't home.
But she was home and I remember watching her from the porch as we pulled up and my sister getting out of the car with my nephew in her arms.
I watched Mom.
I could see her face.
The shock.
The excitement.
The happiness.
The love.
I was so happy.
I was so happy that we could bring her that happiness.
It was a great Thanksgiving.

I guess all in all I am very glad we were able to give her something like in her last few months.
I miss her so much.
I feel so sad thinking about this year's Thanksgiving.

So yeah...6 months ago today was my mom's birthday and she was in the hospital fighting for her life and I was right there beside her, cheering her on, trying to keep her with us.

"For every thing there is a season..."

I'm just sad today.

I really miss Mom.

I want to talk to her.

I try to call my Dad and he's so hard to get up with so we rarely talk on the phone.

I told him after mom passed away I was going to need him to be more available via the phone.

I understand his job has weird hours and stuff.

I just wish he'd answer when I called.

Tomorrow 10/3 - Will be 6 months from the last day I ever heard Mom's voice and 10/20 will be 6 months that she has been gone.

:(

I just don't even have words right now.

I've been really busy with school and classes and exams (all last week) that I haven't really felt or experienced much in regards to her lately.

Dates always bring those feelings.

I always remember significant dates.

If really significant I also remember times.

So those of you who read and saw my last two posts and think I'm all happy and chipper.

This is not the case.

My moods and feelings change day to day.

Today is not a good day.

I deal with a constant struggle of having to put on a happy face so I don't get a million "Are you okay?" 's

Because really I'm not okay and then I'm going to just be as blunt as possible and be like "No. My mom is dead. How do you think I am?"

Then people don't know what to say and I look like I'm being rude, but c'mon. 

It's the truth.

It's what I really want to say.

So,

no pretty pictures.

No lyrics.

No quotes.

Sorry.

Dreaming Of You

So a lot of people tell me that Mom will come and visit me in my dreams.

Since she passed away I have only dreamed of her once.

It was in June (I think) and I was visiting her and Grandma's house and when I came into the livingroom she was sitting there, smiling, writing with her colored gel pens, cross-legged on the couch.

She looked happy and healthy and how I remember her growing up before she became disabled.

It was comforting.

Today I decided to sleep in because for once I am actually not severely behind in my schoolwork.

So the cats and I all curled up together after I took my boyfriend to work at 10am and slept until 4pm.

Before I woke up I had been dreaming.

I dreamed that I was at one of my cousin's house for a family BBQ.

I was walking around talking to some of the people that were there and suddenly Mom turned around.

She was STANDING there.

She just looked at me and smiled and opened her arms and I ran into them and we held each other so tightly.

It was so real.

I woke up crying.

It was a very short dream.

But it made me so happy.

I found some comfort in it.

So I am happy to say that I believe Mom visited me in my dream this afternoon.

I have been trying to make real progress moving forward and focusing on my future.

I've been turning off the CD I burned of songs from her funeral.

I've been deleting the songs from her funeral out of my phone.

I've been trying to remove all sad stimuli.

I think she was saying to me that it's okay that I do this and for me to not feel guilty about it.

Because I do a little bit.

But not enough to stop.

I know I'm doing what is best for me and what she would want for me.

So, that is all.

:)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

So recently I have been thinking a lot about myself and where I am in life and how I feel.

I was talking to my boyfriend the other night about how I feel.

I explained to him that I feel like I've lost control of my life since Mom passed away.

That I am no longer in control of my emotions or anything around me and I thought that was ridiculous.

I like to be in control of things.

Especially myself.

The only thing I am not really in control of when it comes to myself that I can accept is my stomach condition.

So I decided that night (4 nights ago) that I was no longer going to let things control me.

I will allow myself 1 day a week to cry and breakdown and grieve Mom.

{I} am allowing this to happen.

Because I am in control.

I will not cry unless I permit it.

I will not complain that my emotions are making things hard for me.

I will not complain that losing Mom has made things harder for me.

I run this.

This is my life.

and I am taking the reins back.

and I have to say...

The past 4 days have been great.

I am so much happier.

I am grinding and knocking out school work.

I am working ahead and finishing things before their scheduled due dates.

I am almost caught up with one class I am about 2 weeks behind in.

I met with my advisor to make sure that I can graduate and it's looking highly probable.

So, I filed for graduation yesterday.

I also feel less stressed.

I have 3 exams next week and I'm not even that nervous.

I know I will be prepared.

Because I run this and I will make sure I'm prepared.

I didn't come this far to fail now.

I have younger siblings looking at me and I don't want them to think I can't get through this.

I can.

Just had to tweak my mindset a little bit.

So I am excited.

I am hopeful.

I am driven.

I promised Mom I'd graduate in May and I will.

The last serious promise I ever made her.

I will honor it.

So I hope you enjoyed reading this post.

Also, today is 5 months since Mom passed away.

But I'm not sad.

I miss her terribly.

(How ironic that right now I'm listening to music on my phone and "Go Rest High On That Mountain" just started playing)

But I feel like I'm moving on with my life and she'd want that for me.

She is going to be so proud when I get not just one but two degrees in May.

That is all. <3

Love you all for reading and keep the faith. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you.

Monday was my first birthday without Mom.

I had a dinner planned at 7pm.

It was my boyfriend, me and 8 of my friends and classmates.

My best friend from Houston who I hadn't seen since February at the Houston Rodeo surprised me. 

I had no idea she was even coming.

She came over to my apartment after the dinner and everyone watched the Texan's game.

Except me...because I came home and did a school assignment for one of my classes that I thought would take me 30 minutes but actually took me 2 hours.

So I didn't get to hangout much.

All week I have been sad.

I've been trying to hide it.

The boyfriend had his first physics test of the semester and I know he was worried about it.

I then have to push back my emotions because I have school stuff to do and I have to go to work.

I kept feeling everything inside of me build up.

The stress of my classes.

The stress of finding time to study for all of my classes.

The stress of missing class because I'm so sad about my first birthday without my mom.

There' just so much I feel and it consumes me and I can't turn it off.

I don't know what to do.

All of my feelings are getting channeled into anger.

My boyfriend thinks I am not happy.

I told him I'm not.

Just in general I do not feel happy on a day-to-day basis.

How can I?

I mean I know I have happy moments...and there are things to be thankful for.

But the majority of things feel bad or stressful or overwhelming.

Sometimes I doubt that I was ready for the semester.

I just don't know what to do.

I think I must be terribly displeasing to be around.

But I can't help how I feel.

I feel like I have very little control over my emotions these days.

Last week I missed a significant amount of classes as well as my counseling session.

I also screwed up my sleep schedule.

You'd think I could make it to a noon class right?

I've been playing catch up over the weekend. 

But I have an exam every Sunday for my online Social Problems class. 

Last week I got a 43/50 on the multiple choice section and a 50/50 on the essay.

Tonight I got a 50/50 on the multiple choice and hopefully I will maintain the same on the essay portion.

The rest of my classes I'm getting through. 

No real exams or anything to report of yet.

I cried hard on Friday night around like 12am. 

I just erupted.

When this happens I feel like I'm a boiling pot and the lid is teetering back and forth about to blow off.

Then I cry for hours and it feels like the heat was turned down.

But eventually it all builds back up again.

There is never a point when the pot is taken off the stove.

Tomorrow is my little brother's 14th birthday.

It will also be his first birthday without Mom.

I feel so terrible for him.
He's so much younger and he's shown no real signs of grieving.

I don't know if the age difference is why...or what.

I have been in contact with his family he spends time with so I can make sure he is okay.

I still worry about him though.

So I guess that is all.

The summary of this would be:

I'm still grieving.

I'm stressed.

I don't know how to not be stressed.

I'm worried about my brother.