Another Perspective

My mom has 3 children. 

Me - the oldest, I'm 26 now. 

My sister, who is the middle child, she is 25 now and our little brother who is now 14. 

Since my Mom's passing my brother has moved to another state to live with his Dad. 

My sister is married and lives in another state as well and I live in Texas. 

So we're all a part. I kind of hate it, especially now.

My sister posted this status on her Facebook yesterday and I wanted to share it. I think it's sufficient to know how she feels in dealing with this. She always has a way of seeing a positive lesson from this experience when I can't put my own grief aside to see the value of these things. So, I wanted to share it. Some things have been changed/omitted for privacy reasons.

"On this day exactly one year ago, my sister and I were headed to --------, TX to surprise my mom for Thanksgiving. Today I'm having so many images of the smile that was on her face and the tears running down her cheeks as she saw her grandson and I get out of the car. A lot of memories from that day are flooding into my head as well as a lot of regrets. As a person who captures peoples memories on a daily basis it amazes me how few of my own I actually document. I regret not getting pictures of my mom and I, and my mom and her grandson. I regret that we chose to leave early Thanksgiving to go Black Friday shopping. If I knew then what I know now I never would have left, I'd give everything back that I bought just for those last few hours with her. 

I hope everyone realizes that the reason for Thanksgiving is not for the great deals the next morning or for the big football games that weekend. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what you have no matter how much or how little. We take so much for granted and don't realize that our time is short. And spending those last few hours with someone we love is so much more valuable than running out to find that great deal or leaving because you don't wanna miss the big game. 

No matter how sad of a day today may be one thing that I am thankful for is the fact that this day opens my eyes. It makes me realize what I have and that there is no guaranteeing I'll have it tomorrow. Something this day is teaching me is to live each moment like it's my last and that being with the people who I love and who love me back is so much more important than anything else. And because of this I will not be going Black Friday shopping this year. I will be spending the day with my family and making memories. In case next year I can no longer make them!"

These are the only pictures I have from Thanksgiving last year.

My boyfriend, me, my little brother, my sister and my nephew last Thanksgiving at our Mom's

Mom teaching her only grandchild to use her motorized wheelchair like a race car. :)

(and my sister giving me a funny look)

As we go on we remember all the times we had together

I have never been more proud of myself than I am now.

Tomorrow I will register for my last semester of college.

It feels like I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long and at the same time I'm kinda nervous and scared.

You spend so much time of your life in school (and I spent more time than most people) that it becomes kinda hard to think about a life without being in a classroom all the time or without assignments and projects and due dates.

I've been through a lot of things that would deter most people from pursuing their dreams.

In fact, I've even had to change my dream.

I just think about how proud mom must be of me.

For leaving Alabama and coming back to Texas; pretty much starting life over and on my own without much help.

The help I was convinced I had was entirely false and I thrown into a situation I wasn't prepared for.

I knew no one to help me where I lived in Texas.

I remember driving myself to the emergency room in excruciating pain thinking how ridiculous it was.

I got my own place. (that I sometimes miss)

I worked 40 hours a week and went to classes at the community college.

I just did what I had to.

I finally got in at a university (one that Mom wanted me to go to in Texas) after all of the issues with my credits from Alabama.

I gave up on nursing (reluctantly) and changed my major to something my mom really wanted me to do because she thought I'd be good at it.

and I cannot believe she won't be here for my graduation...

That hurts a lot.

I can't even explain the level of hurt that I feel thinking about that.

This week has just started and next week is Thanksgiving.

Just the word "Thanksgiving" makes me upset.

This was supposed to be the Thanksgiving where we say how thankful we are that Jessica is finally going to graduate college.

Where we celebrate the first female in our family to obtain a bachelors degree.

Where we make jokes at me for taking 8 years to get a bachelors degree.

Where we say how thankful we are that I survived a car wreck and still pursued my education despite my constant medical problems.

Where we are grateful that I have someone like my boyfriend in my life to help me when I'm feeling down.

Where I start thinking I would be able to help Mom & my little brother more financially and start having better holidays because I would have a career soon.

Now there's none of that.

While I am thankful for graduation coming up, and my boyfriend...

I am not thankful that Mom is gone.

I do not know how to even be thankful for this year.

Good things have happened in spite of losing Mom.

I have gotten much closer with certain members of my family.

I have discovered who is truly there for me and who is not.

My boyfriend's family and my Dad's side of the family have been working hard to make sure I am able to finish my last year of college.

This year has been a huge test of my strength and determination as a person.

It has been very hard.

This semester has been hard.

The summer was hard.

This holiday season is going to be hard.

and I just don't feel very thankful.

and I can't help that.

because honestly, I'd give up everything, all of those things, to have 1 conversation with Mom.

To take 1 more picture with her smiling.

I told my boyfriend today I didn't even want to do Thanksgiving anymore and that I just wanted to work somewhere to take my mind off of the holiday entirely.

I'm so scared that when visiting my family and his family that I'm just going to be crying the entire time.

Thanksgiving was mine and my mom's holiday.

I'll be gone in November...

Today (Mon. 11/4/13) is a sad day.

I think with the time change.

The nights getting darker earlier and everything it is impacting my mood/state of mind.

So, I just really miss Mom today.

I feel so sad.

I cried...a lot.

To the point that I gave myself a headache and can't focus on the work I had to do tonight.

I was feeling sad after I got off work and called like 3 people in my family hoping to talk to someone that would make me feel better but no one answered.

I hate that.

It feels like every time I really need someone to talk to there is no one.

I try not to put my emotions entirely on my boyfriend to deal with and I know he doesn't see it as as "deal with" issue but I still try to be considerate because I know he has a lot of stuff to do too.

Mom was always there to talk to.

I miss her voice.
I tried to remember how it sounded when she said my voice but I couldn't.

Every time I tried to recall all I could hear was my own voice.

and that's when I broke down.

Then I was crying so bad that I didn't even want to talk to anyone on the phone.

I didn't even want my boyfriend to see me crying so I came into the bedroom and shoved my face in a pillow but eventually he came in and saw I was upset.

And of course he was there for me like he always is.

and I'm grateful for that.

I feel so many things.

Like I feel like I have a lot of good things going for me and I don't have to worry about certain things right now that I was scared I'd be dealing with.

I'm moving closer and closer to college graduation.

I just wish Mom was here to share it with.

To tell it to.

To hear her excitement.

It just doesn't feel right without her here...

I get so upset thinking about how unfair it is that she's gone.

That is the thought that runs through my mind the most.

Mom's are so important.
I feel so bad for those that don't have a good relationship with their Mom.

It's not fair to lose your mom so early...

I feel like I still need her for so much.

I seriously don't know how I get through the days.

Bonnie is always watching over her friends in The Vampire Diaries.

I like to think that Mom is right beside me watching everything I do and supporting me through it.

But it doesn't change the fact that I miss that realness.

My boyfriend's parents asked us about Thanksgiving yesterday.

It was a reminder that it will be my first one without Mom in the past 4 years.


_______________________________________________________________

This is a two part post because I wrote the first half on Monday and then I'm writing a new half today(Thurs. 11/6/13).

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts of regret these days.
I feel like this should be mentioned because I don't really talk about it a lot and I think other people who have lost someone probably feel or have felt the same thing.



The last time I saw Mom before her going into the hospital on April 3rd was Thanksgiving.
I mentioned previously that my sister who lives in Alabama and I planned a secret Thanksgiving surprise for Mom and our family.
So anyway, we left Thanksgiving day to go stay with my boyfriend's parents because we were all going Black Friday shopping.
It was my first time doing this and my sister does it yearly so it was nice for her to kinda introduce me to doing it.

So, as it's November I keep thinking about how Mom will not be here for Thanksgiving and how I will not be going to her house this year and seeing all of the cats and her and grandma and my uncle and my brother.
In fact the only person out of those mentioned that I will get to see is my grandma.
It's kinda like I lost more than 1 person.
Anyway,
So I keep thinking about how we shouldn't have left on Thanksgiving and how we should have stayed another day and spent more time with her.
I hate it.
I hate regret so much.
It's the past and there is nothing I can do to change it
But my mind doesn't care...It's mean.



I also think about how I didn't visit her for Christmas.
But I never have visited her for Christmas I don't think.
Maybe in 2009 but I can't really remember.
I usually work on Christmas because I have needed the money.
I always negotiated at work that I HAD to have Thanksgiving off because it was the one holiday I had with my Mom and I would agree to work Christmas to ensure that.

So...I just feel bad.
I feel like I could have had more time.
I was planning on visiting her after finals last May as a late mother's day kinda thing.
But she never made it to Mother's Day....
and we never knew it would be our last holiday with her.

Ugh, just breaks my heart.

I'm everything I am because you loved me

I am missing mom terribly today.

I was at the campus at 6:30am because I had an exam at 8am and I was scared I was going to sleep through it.

I sat in the car listening to music and I don't know what happened but it hit me really hard that I was missing her.

I've also been having some crazy thoughts. 

There's someone "in" my life that is a really sorry excuse for a human being nevertheless a parent.

I can't stand him.

It makes me mad to think people like him are living when people like my Mom are gone.

It's just not fair to me.

I know everyone gives this whole "God only takes the best" thing...but that does not help me.

I really wish people had real comforting words.

Not cliche things.

I'm still waiting....

My boyfriend is about the only person that says the right thing.

As stated previously, 

I was interviewing for an internship.

Well, on Tuesday I got it.

It's probably one of the most exciting things to happen to me in a while.

I literally feel like I won a beauty pageant.

I know she'd be so proud and excited if I could tell her about it and hear her speak back to me.

I called my grandma (on her side) and told her about it.

Her reaction was over the top.

Everything I would have expected it to be from mom.

It was really awesome.

It was probably the closest thing I could have experienced that day to talking to Mom.

And these are the moments I knew would be hard.

My biggest achievements and successes.

Life changing moments.

This is just one step.

My future is arriving so quickly.

And she's not here to share it with me....

and I never imagined it'd be this way.

So I've been at work watching the slideshow my sister put online looking at her face and just missing her.

I miss her so bad.

It's really hard.

It's really hard to be this strong every day.

Then to mentally prepare myself to be focused and do all of my course work and attend my classes and everything.

That coupled with the unpredictable behavior of my stomach condition....

It's a lot to work through.

It's a lot to not lose it every day.

It's a lot to not give up.

But I wouldn't disgrace her memory like that.

She wants this for me.

To graduate.

To be successful.

I already have one foot in the door towards starting my career.

Everything seems to be flowing together.

Sometimes it seems like losing her was part of the plan God has for my life.

And I hate thinking that.

I don't want that to be part of the plan.

So...

that is all.

The hearts I have touched will be the proof that I leave...that I made a difference and this world will see.

Yesterday marked 6 months since the day my mom passed away after we made the hard decision to take her off life support. 

I miss her so much but I can honestly say that I feel her with me from time to time, inspiring me and pushing me forward towards my goals. 

So much of what I do in my life is because at one point in my life she inspired me or she spoke words that I have remembered. 

The college I currently attend is because of her mentioning it and how much she loved this area and how beautiful it was.

She was so excited when I got accepted.

Because of her (& my daddy) I love classic rock more than any other genre of music and especially Motley Crue.
Because of her I have certain expectations of what my spouse should be
&
because of her I have certain standards on the kind of woman I should be. 

Because of her I know the value of an education and have seen first hand the struggle of a woman with no education.

I will never forget these any these things.

I feel much stronger than I was 6 months ago.

I honestly cannot believe this is where I am.

I miss her so much.

There is so much going on in my life that I want to share with her.

She was always the one that would be excited about me accomplishing these things on the path to accomplishing things.

I have been going through an interview process for an internship over the past week and I have made it to the 3rd and final round of the interview process.

I just know she'd be so excited about it.

I know she's watching me and is proud but I would give anything to hear those words from her.

I don't know where I would be without my support system.

My boyfriend, my sister, other family members and close friends who have taken the time to talk to me when I was feeling really sad or upset. All of you have helped me in some way and I am truly appreciative.

In Memory Of Regina L. Coulliette

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...

As my previous post stated,

I remember dates really well.

I can remember what I was doing on this day 6 months ago.

It was the day after Mom's initial coiling surgery, which failed because she had another aneurysm rupture as she was coming out of surgery.

That Thursday they said she probably wouldn't live past 48 hours.

I was in her room with her that Friday because it was her birthday.

I remember being in there playing her music from my phone.

She would sometimes open her eyes and attempt to look around.

She'd move her legs and arms.

They kept saying how good of a thing it was that she was doing those things because it meant she had better chances of making it.

I just knew she was going to make it.


(photo taken at the hospital of me holding Mom's hand)

I hate not having her here.

So many times I feel lost.

So many times I go to call her and then realize I can't talk to her.

With it being October I have been reflecting on last year.
Thanksgiving will be approaching soon and since I've moved back to Texas Thanksgiving has been OUR holiday.
Her, my grandma, my little brother, my uncle and me.
Now my brother is in another state with his Dad and Mom is gone...and I just don't know what to do with myself.
I don't have a lot of designated holidays in my life that I know where I'm going to be and who I'm going to be with.
It's one of the problems of your family being in so many locations.

Last year was a surprise Thanksgiving for her.
I had talked to my sister about coming to Texas from Alabama with my nephew and we kept it a secret from my Mom.
I started planning this in September of last year.
My mom spent nearly the entire month of October and November at her best friend's house and I so scared she wasn't going to be home for Thanksgiving that I kept telling her "You're going to miss out." if she wasn't home.
But she was home and I remember watching her from the porch as we pulled up and my sister getting out of the car with my nephew in her arms.
I watched Mom.
I could see her face.
The shock.
The excitement.
The happiness.
The love.
I was so happy.
I was so happy that we could bring her that happiness.
It was a great Thanksgiving.

I guess all in all I am very glad we were able to give her something like in her last few months.
I miss her so much.
I feel so sad thinking about this year's Thanksgiving.

So yeah...6 months ago today was my mom's birthday and she was in the hospital fighting for her life and I was right there beside her, cheering her on, trying to keep her with us.

"For every thing there is a season..."

I'm just sad today.

I really miss Mom.

I want to talk to her.

I try to call my Dad and he's so hard to get up with so we rarely talk on the phone.

I told him after mom passed away I was going to need him to be more available via the phone.

I understand his job has weird hours and stuff.

I just wish he'd answer when I called.

Tomorrow 10/3 - Will be 6 months from the last day I ever heard Mom's voice and 10/20 will be 6 months that she has been gone.

:(

I just don't even have words right now.

I've been really busy with school and classes and exams (all last week) that I haven't really felt or experienced much in regards to her lately.

Dates always bring those feelings.

I always remember significant dates.

If really significant I also remember times.

So those of you who read and saw my last two posts and think I'm all happy and chipper.

This is not the case.

My moods and feelings change day to day.

Today is not a good day.

I deal with a constant struggle of having to put on a happy face so I don't get a million "Are you okay?" 's

Because really I'm not okay and then I'm going to just be as blunt as possible and be like "No. My mom is dead. How do you think I am?"

Then people don't know what to say and I look like I'm being rude, but c'mon. 

It's the truth.

It's what I really want to say.

So,

no pretty pictures.

No lyrics.

No quotes.

Sorry.