100 Months

It has been 100 months since my Mom passed away. Her loss was the first hard loss I have ever encountered in my life. I was not prepared as she was young and it was sudden. I was not prepared as I had never experienced grief before. I was not prepared as losing a parent or a parent like figure was not something I had experienced.

I was withdrawn. I was so sensitive. I would randomly cry all the time. I could be doing homework and start crying. I could be in the classroom of one of my college courses and just start silently crying. I hated going anywhere or being around people because I knew I could have a breakdown any minute and I didn't want the "What's wrong?" questions being asked. No one is ever prepared for the answer "My mom is dead - that's whats wrong." I started to just avoid going out and being around people or in crowds of people who didn't really know what I was going through. A lot of people who did not know me perceived me as a bitch because I would come off as cold. I poured myself into my schoolwork to try to not think about the loss all of the time. Even with the intense focus on school I was barely pulling good grades. It was enough to pass. It's hard to push the sadness aside to live your life.

So here I am - experiencing probably the 2nd most painful loss of my entire life. My Grandmother. Who was such an amazing woman. I am so lucky to have known her almost 34 years of my life. She was ALWAYS there. She was such a solid piece of my life. I could count on her. I loved her so much. I don't even have words for how much I loved her. It's been 8 years since I lost my Mom. The first year was so hard. I barely remember it. I don't want to lose myself again with this loss. I feel like my experience with Mom should have prepared me for this. But I still am finding myself not knowing what to do. 

Today I had my first moment of going to call Grandma. Followed by the realization that I could not call her. That she would not answer. That's another punch to the gut. Another twist of the knife in my heart.

I have decided to schedule some grief therapy to maybe try to get ahead on ways to cope with this. This last week has been hard. I've just been so tired. All I want to do is sleep. Like when I'm very depressed. When I'm awake I am so sad. It takes a lot for me to try to not feel that sadness. It takes a lot of energy just to focus on work. I need help. I need to know how to navigate through this in a healthy way to where I don't lose myself, my life, my job and let everything I care about and have worked hard for fall by the wayside

Grief Round 2

Welcome to the new world. A world impacted by a virus.

July 22nd I got news that my grandfather had died from COVID. We were very close when I was a kid. He retired to another country. A developing country. He didn't even get to be buried because anyone who passes of COVID there had to be cremated. We would chat every once in a while when he was able to make it out to an internet cafe. We'd catch up. The last thing he told me was how proud he was of me and my sister. I loved him a lot and have nothing but good memories of him.

2 days later my Grandmother (not the one who was married to him) was hospitalized due to COVID and delirium caused by other acute infections. The day I found out she was in the hospital I was getting ready to throw my stuff into my car and drive there, only to find out because she is a COVID patient she is not allowed any visitors. The hospital system had a rule that a COVID positive patient could not have any visitors until 20 days after their initial positive test. In the middle of her stay they changed it to 30 days due to the delta variant. We had to fight for an exception to be made for us to see her. (Us = myself & my dad) We finally got there that weekend. We took shifts being with her on Saturday and Sunday. In her delirious state she still recognized us. She asked for my sister by name. She called me by name. She told me the time on the clock on the wall. Sunday she was coughing a LOT and I kept making the nurse and anyone staff member who came into her room while I was there aware of it. But she was ordered to be NPO and so I couldn't give her anything to clear her throat or help her. I kept asking them to help her. I even expressed this to the doctor later that evening when my Dad was there but I was back at our hotel room. They ordered a chest x-ray. Which came back showing extreme progression of her COVID related pneumonia. There were 16 days between this chest x-ray and the one before it. 16 days that pneumonia was getting worse and no one was doing anything about it. By the time it was seen it was too late. She coded that Tuesday, was brought back with chest compressions but was then moved to ICU and intubated. She passed away that Tuesday afternoon.

Tuesday 08.17.21: We got the news of her coding around 7am. We had came back to my house which was about 4 hours from the hospital. We had a meeting set up at 2pm with some of the hospital staff to discuss areas of concern regarding her care. We got back there around 12pm. Stopped to eat before our meeting and then went to the hospital a little earlier before our meeting. At 1:50am we were at the ICU to meet the staff to have our discussion but they encouraged us to see my Grandma first. It's a good thing we did because she was barely hanging on. Her vitals were very low on the monitor. Her body temperature was so low they had some sort of heating blanket on her that was radiating excessive heat. She was being kept alive by all of these machines and it looked so cruel and awful. But my sister was on her way to the airport. We were hoping she would get there before Grandma passed away. But Grandma could not hold on. I held her hand and cried. I told her how much we loved her. How much our family loved her. Her vitals started dropping more and the doctor came in and said that she was passing and asked permission to remove her tube - which my Dad gave. I called my sister and put the phone on speaker and put it next to Grandma's ear so that she could tell her goodbye. I removed her restraints from her wrists and held her hand. Dad held her hand. I just cried. Her vitals stopped registering on the monitor but I didn't want to let go. We got there at 1:50pm and she was gone by 2:40pm.

This would be the 2nd family member I would have to watch have a tube removed from them and them pass away. Yes I could choose to not be there in the room when they pass away - but it does not feel right to let someone die alone. Especially someone you care so deeply for. There are no words to explain the love I have for this Grandmother of mine.

Changes

It's weird that the last time I wrote a post was exactly 1 year ago today...But this day always has it's significance. Being the last day I'd ever talk to my Mom. The day she sustained her brain injury that would eventually take her out of my life forever.

It has gotten easier....You'd think...or has it? Last night I knew this day was coming, along with the other 17 days of shit memories of her being hospital until the day she passed. It's been 5 years. I think is she proud of me? But then my thoughts go really negative because I'm good at being mean to myself....I thought to myself that I was a shit daughter because I don't think of her daily like I used to. Like I did all of 2013 and a significant part of 2014...then the thoughts of her started to not occur as often. Am I getting over losing her? Am I forgetting her? Or did I have to rebuild my life? My reality...my life was changed and I had to learn a new reality.  My new reality is a life without her. I feel if I thought about her too much I would live in a more permanent state of sadness. In another negative thought I felt like a shit sister. I feel like I failed my Mom because my brother isn't showing much initiative in going to college. She worked so hard to instill this in me and my sister and I know he lost her so early in his life that I feel he missed that emphasis from her. I felt it was my job to push that and I didn't do it enough...It's hard with him being states away. But yeah....when I start beating myself up my mind goes hard.

I spent all of 2017 working on my mental health and I'm proud of how far I've come. But I try to push out negative thoughts as soon as they begin manifesting in my mind. I've set some goals for the month and am aiming to focus on something that would be good for me to keep myself from falling into that negative mindset that I know I tend to experience from April 3rd - April 27th...

I don't know what to say. 5 years...a new reality. A new way of coping. Feeling like I'm doing it wrong...I don't have any real sound advice for anyone going through this or reaching this point. These are just random thoughts.

Daily Gratitudes

I recently started trying to think of something to be grateful for everyday. This led me to purchasing a gratitude journal. Today is my first entry in that journal. Today is also 4 years from the date my mom had her aneurysm rupture. I am working on taking the negative feelings I have associated with April and changing my mentality so this month isn't as hard on me. So today's gratitude has to do with her.

WHAT I AM GRATEFUL FOR TODAY
...that I had a good enough relationship with my Mom to where we spoke often. I am grateful that we spoke on this day 4 years ago, just hours before her aneurysm happened. I am grateful her last words to me were kind and motherly.

It Calls Me

And the call isn't out there at all
It's inside me
It's like the tide
Always falling yet rising

I will carry you here in my heart
You remind me
That come what may
I know the way

The section of lyrics from Moana - Song of the Ancestors always makes me think of Mom 💜

Dear Mom II....

Dear Mom,

In September I was contacted by a recruiter for a company I applied at during the summer about an open position he thought I would be interested in. For the past month I have been interviewing for a really great career opportunity. I made it to the top 3 candidates and that alone was such an honor to me. Houston is very competitive in the job market. Last week the company extended me the offer for the position and after I've completed all of my new hire stuff, I will officially be starting. I am so excited about this and I know you would be elated. My hard work is finally paying off and I am so excited for this opportunity. I really wanted to share this news with you and it's almost Thanksgiving which is OUR holiday and I miss you terribly and the thought of yet another Thanksgiving without you makes me so sad. But you should know that I am working hard and trying to do good in my life to make you proud. I have hard days and there are times where I feel like is unfair or everything is going wrong but I never give up.

I miss you.
I love you.
I hope you're proud.

 Love always, Your brown haired, brown eyed baby girl

Dear Mom I

I am going to start something new called "Dear Mom". It is going to be things I wish I could tell my Mom now or things that remind me of her that made me want to call her, etc.

Dear Mom,

I have been thinking about you a lot this week. No real reason why that I can think of. Tonight I went on a Paranormal Pub Tour with S, her husband and R. It wasn't like a ghost hunt. It was more of an informative tour I guess you'd say. The guide told us a lot about some of the oldest buildings in downtown Houston and some stories about people dying in certain buildings and reports of their ghosts still being there. I just had a good time and it made me think a lot of you. Last weekend we went to Renfest and oh my goodness, so much of that place reminds me of growing up. Even the smells. It made me think of you and just smile. How non-traditional our childhood was but yet so fascinating and fun when I think about it. I'm glad you were my Mom and now that I'm older there is so much I realize you had to do and deal with and I am truly grateful. and sorry for being a bratty teenager because I know I was hard to deal with. I remember you were about 28 or 29 when you dyed your hair black. I remember it being black with a purple hue. This week I dyed my hair for the first time ever and for some reason it made me think of you and when you dyed yours. It was a hard adjustment for me to see you go from very blonde to such dark hair. But now it's one of the ways I remember you most.

So...I just miss you and things make me think of you often. <3

I love you so much.

♫ I will think of you every step of the way....

I know I haven't posted in a while. So, sorry for that.

I've been missing Mom a lot lately. 

Not that I don't miss her every day but some days it just hits me harder than others. 

Some days I am just going on living my life and little things remind me of Mom and I smile and remember her. Other days I remember her or things remind me of her and it breaks me down.

Sunday was one of those days.

I cried so many times.

I was folding clothes on the livingroom floor and had received a phone call from my sister.

We discussed Mom's headstone. 

Her gravesite still doesn't have one and we were talking about saving money together to get her one.

Last year we all visited Mom's gravesite on Mother's Day (which was the day after my graduation) and we couldn't find the exact location she was buried. 

It really, really upset me and I haven't been back since. 

I feel like I'm failing Mom even in death because of that....

Then my boyfriend and I were watching TV Sunday night and there was a scene where someone was on life support and someone in their family reading them the sports section from the newspaper and it hurt me.

Because it reminded me of being in the hospital with Mom, playing her music hoping she'd come back.

Then I was filled with questions as to if we did the right thing taking her off life support.

I kept thinking "Miracles happen all the time. Did we do it too soon? Should we have waited."

I've been thinking about that too with the situation with Bobbi Kristina Brown being on life support right now.

It's hard.

Most of the time the thoughts are just memories and recalling good times and being like "awe that's totally a thing Mom would do." or "Mom would like this." or "Oh god...I am my mother." and other times it's so hard and it's like "This isn't fair. She was so young. Why did I lose my Mom when I was only 25 and she was 44?" 

I get upset when people have petty problems with their parents.

I get upset because they don't see what they have right in front of them.

They don't see the small things their parents are doing to sacrifice for them 

and make their life better.

If you have parents that are alive and are interested in your life and your well being and want the best for you, count yourself blessed.

EVEN if you don't see eye to eye.

Even if you're completely opposite and feel like they don't understand you.

Call them.

Text them.

Let them know you care.

Because it's absolutely killer when you can't do that anymore.

Cherish the "dreaded" family times.

As crazy as they may be.

My Dad is still alive and I am extremely blessed for that.

Plus we have a great relationship.

I am fortunate to have (had) a good relationship with both of my parents.

But I was raised by some awesome people...

I mean...what else would you call it when you can attend a Motley Crue concert together, right?

or when your Mom reprimands you for "taking that stupid boy you just met to see Motley Crue" instead of taking her... LOL

Pure freaking awesomeness.

As I was typing this blog, I had to leave and go cry in my coworker's office.

I was in there for over an hour.

I texted one of my coworker's who works in the same room as me and asked him to bring me tissues off my desk because he lost his Dad and so he knows what it's like to lose a parent.

I told him I was crying and didn't want anyone to see me like that.

He brought me my box and pulled me off the couch and hugged me.

It was so nice and definitely needed.

One of my female coworker's who I'm very close to is traveling this week and so she wasn't here to comfort me like she normally is when this happens to me at work.

I was kinda freaking out inside not knowing what to do but I knew I couldn't stay at my desk because I was about to breakdown.

So anyway....I guess I'm done blogging for now.

I actually meant to write a blog about what it means to be strong while grieving but this blog took a different turn with my random crying moments...

So, hopefully I can get that blog post in sometime soon.

Stay tuned.

Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

“When you died, it was the biggest shock of my life. Nothing prepared me for it. I live each day wondering how I will get through it, and then I remember that you would want me to.”
—  Cindy Adkins

Also, here is a link to my Spotify Playlist for Mom.

2015: Realization and Growth

It's a new year and I'm just posting. 2014 ended well. I have been at my job for just over a year now. I enjoy the work that I do and my coworkers. Things aren't bad. My financial status has changed this month and I have less free money since starting to pay on my student loans, but overall things are good.

I get extremely happy when the semester starts because that means my boyfriend is one step closer to graduating. I love when he succeeds. I love our partnership. I love him very much.

I've been missing my family a lot. Everyone is in different states, as I always say, and it makes it hard sometimes. There is just something about YOUR family. The ones who have grown up with you and have seen you change over the course of time. Those who have seen through your most embarrassing and darkest times and still chose to stick it out with you. I absolutely love my boyfriend's parents and I am very comfortable with them as my own family that I do get to see more frequently. I always emphasize to my boyfriend to enjoy his time with his family. Ever since Mom's passing I am all about the 'family time'. I don't want someone to miss out on a moment with their family that may very well be their last...I know that seems morbid but that's one way death changes your perception of things. I've known people who have died, but they were always people I hadn't spoke in years or weren't all that close with. Mom is the first person that I was so close with that it impacted my life in such a direct sense. I didn't even live with her. But we spoke nearly every single day. I remember her freaking out on Facebook a few years ago because I hadn't arrived at her house yet for Thanksgiving. I was extremely hungover from going out with friends on Washington Ave. the night before and so I was running late. When I woke up I was tagged in an excessive amount of posts asking if anyone had heard from me. I also remember her freaking out after my 25th birthday for the same reason. We partied hard and were hungover and she hadn't heard from me yet. God love her. <3 Which makes me remember the time she asked me if I was a lesbian because my friend Pam and I were so close. She legitimately thought we were dating. Which is hilarious to me because we weren't dating and I am not into girls. So many things about her make me smile. It's so funny how you go from wanting to be nothing like your Mom to being excited when someone gives you a compliment somehow indicating you're like her. It's funny how these things change in your mind. I still know my Mom did a lot of things I would never do and I chalk a lot of that up to being a young parent. There are many things I did differently than he rand am proud of. There are many things that I do just like her that I am proud of. It's so weird being a daughter. It's so weird growing up.

This is the year of weddings. I have so many friends getting married in 2015 that it's crazy. But I am so happy for everyone that is getting married. Which then reminds me that I will get married sometime in the future. And makes me think about wedding planning...which then makes me remember that Mom won't be here for my wedding. and that ALWAYS makes me sad. It just...isn't fair. and she won't be here for my future pregnancy and kids...and all that. It just makes me so sad. These are things I was supposed to have her for. and now what? No one can fill that void I have since she's left. I have people who are close 2nds or who are people that I know will get excited for my successes and share my excitement in the things I do, but it's not the same at all as talking to her. So much to tell her but I just keep it inside and hope that Heaven is real and she's up there watching me from time to time.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I did not realize this would be the last day I would ever see my Mom. The last day I would ever feel her embrace. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Since I moved back to Texas I always spent Thanksgiving with my Mom. I claimed it as our holiday. As a family that didn't have a lot there wasn't a lot of pressure associated with Thanksgiving. We just ate food throughout the day. We counted our blessings that we could all be together as a family on this one day of the year. We watched rivalry college football and I convinced my little brother to cheer for Alabama when the Texas Longhorns weren't playing. But the last Thanksgiving we spent together my sister was in from Alabama and we decided I would go on my first Black Friday experience. So, we only spent a day and a half with my Mom.

I wish I had known then what I know now. But, that's not how life works. My Thanksgiving celebration now begins with the extended side of my Mom's family because it's the closest I can feel to her on this day with my sister, brother, Dad, grandma and step-dad in different states. It hurts my heart to not have her, especially at this time of year. The other times of the year I was always at school so everyone understood that I couldn't come for every holiday. But they knew I'd be there for Thanksgiving. I fought with so many employers in the past about giving me Thanksgiving off. I even fought with my birth father who kicked me out of the house for spending Thanksgiving with my Mom my first year back in Texas. I was very serious about being with her on this day.

So, now we approach Thanksgiving year 2 without my Mom in my life. It is very hard. It doesn't get easier...you just get stronger. I still break down. I still almost call her. My maternal grandma lives at the same home my Mom lived at so they shared the same phone number. When I call my grandma it still pops up as "Mom" on my phone and it is like a knife in my heart every single time. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to be thankful for those that are still in my life. But damn, your Mom is such an important person. If you have a decent relationship with your Mom I believe you will experience the same amount of heartbreak from losing her. As far as people who don't have a good relationship with their Mom, they may not feel this way when they pass away. I can't say for sure though. I just know how I feel and how this has affected me.

It hurts. I'm partially dreading tomorrow and looking forward to it because I miss being around family so much.

But I wanted to compile a list of things I am thankful for:

• My siblings (all of y'all)
• My boyfriend (of 3 years 7 months)
• My cats
• My cousins who are more like siblings: Shiela, Frankie and Ashley
• My boyfriend's parents
• My job
• The friendship I formed with my coworker Lindsey over the past year
• The relationship I've built with my little sister Brittiany since she came to college
• My friend Britney and her Mom
• Girl Scout Thin Mint Coffee Creamer

There are so many things I am thankful for ranging from small to large. But I'm most grateful for the people in my life. The fact that I'm not alone. Even though many times I feel lonely I know I have so many people that care for me and that will listen to & comfort me.

Thinking of you this Thanksgiving Mom. <3

Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone

So this weekend was the Mötley Crüe concert.

For readers who don't know, my Mom and Dad were huge Mötley Crüe fans.

I was raised listening to them in my livingroom on MTV with my Mom while dancing to their music, Mom taught me to throw my arm in the air all sassy like when singing "All around the world, girls will be girls" from Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S).

I will never forget doing that with my Mom as a kid.
When they played that song it made me think of her and smiled,
feeling lucky that I have that memory of us together.

My friends and family all put in money together to for me to able to attend Mötley Crüe's Final Tour as a graduation present.

I bought 3 tickets for me, my boyfriend and my Dad.

I wished so badly that Mom was here so I could have taken her.

She would have had an awesome time.

The finale they played Home Sweet Home and I got up in my chair and swayed back and forth and cried.

That song just makes me think of Mom so much and makes me miss her terribly.

Just take this song 

and you'll never be left all alone

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night

and I'm coming off this 

Long and winding road

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

Home Sweet Home

But it was awesome to be standing between my Dad and my boyfriend.

Rocking out.

Hands in the air.

15 rows from the front of the stage.

Floor seats.

& right underneath Tommy Lee's rollercoaster drumset : The Cruecifly.

To a band my Dad has always loved and one I grew up loving.

It's extremely bittersweet.

Weirdly though, their FINAL TOUR actually happening made me feel like it was just another nail in the coffin signifying how final Mom's death is.

Like because she's gone the band is breaking up.

It's weird...I don't know if you know what I mean...

But I enjoyed my time with my Dad.

So many times in my life since losing Mom I feel guilty.

The reason is because I miss Mom so much and so many things make me think of her.

Then I have Dad and I feel like I don't acknowledge that he's still alive and with me enough.
But it's hard because we live many states away and he works odd hours and he isn't a very big phone person.

Mom was in the same state as me (although 4 hours away...) and we talked every single day.

But yeah... I love my Dad a lot and I literally live in fear of the day I will lose him.

I am so glad we got to go to the concert together.

I am so glad that it's a memory we'll have together.

We were talking about the last concert we each saw.

I told him the last concert I saw was Mötley Crüe in 2011 with my boyfriend.
He said the last concert he saw was Mötley Crüe with Pink Floyd with my Mom (and that was sometime in the 90s).

How funny?

That's all.

Just wanted to give a quick update.

Thanks for reading. 

xoxo.

You made me cry, You told me lies, but, I can't say goodbye.

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I have the intent to update many times I just don't ever follow through on it.

So, my life has changed quickly. I'm working full time now and doing stuff that has to do with what I went to school for, so that is definitely a plus.
Also, I have been very happy.
Things are going pretty well.
I don't have many complaints.
I'm feeling very blessed with my boyfriend,
my family,
my job,
just everything.

I do miss Mom a lot and I don't know why but this summer I have had many moments where I want to call her. I think it's because for the first time in a long time things are finally going right for me. Things are going good and I want to tell her about them. I want to tell her when I'm told I do a good job at work. I want to tell her about my new goals I've set for myself.
But I can't.
and that's hard.
I had a breakdown at work about 2 weeks ago I think...Luckily I work with some really nice people and one of my coworkers talked to me and calmed me down.
Then last Tuesday I read this article about Mom's being the best person in your life and I lost it.
My heart still hurts.
Sometimes I feels like I'm losing her all over again.
It feels so new sometimes.
and I feel like I've accepted that she's gone.
I know she's in a better place.
I know she's not hurting.
But I just feel cheated sometimes...
and I feel bad sometimes for being happy and moving on without her.
I still sometimes feel like my life should be in shambles because she is no longer a part of it.
At least not a part of it in the way I want her to be

I read the news and see all of these crappy people who abuse their kids or abuse animals or don't care about people and I think how unfair it is that they are even alive and part of this world while good people like my mom and my friends/family's parents passed away.
I know it's part of life.
I know.
It doesn't help.

Sometimes I will hear a song and it will make me think of Mom and smile.
Other times that same song will break my heart and make me cry because it reminds me of her.

I'm having a pretty good "summer". Although I don't think it's really set in that I'm done with college. I'm used to working through the summers so it kinda feels like that is what I'm doing.

I'm trying to learn how to be a "real" adult.
I get off work (I work 8am-5pm) and I feel like "Oh I've worked today. So I don't have to do any other adult responsibilities except maybe go to the grocery store."
I know most adults do more than just work in a day.
I just need to find a way to create a schedule that I will stick to.

So all in all everything is fine.
All in all I miss Mom every single day of my life.
It hasn't gotten any easier...I've just gotten stronger...but I still have my weak moments where I just have to breakdown and let the sadness consume me for a bit.
And there is nothing wrong with that.
It's a horrible emptiness to feel.



But all in all.
I am doing good.
Things are good.
I am pretty much loving life.
My boyfriend is amazing.
My cats make me happy.
I like my job and my coworkers.
Things are good.
I think I'm coping well.
<3

Thanks for reading.

Mom, we did it!

On Saturday May 10th I was the first female in my family to graduate college with a bachelors degree. I moved back to Texas in 2009 to be closer to my Mom (and I'm so glad that I did). She wanted me to attend a Texas college and she always wanted me to go to school for computers but I refused and pursued nursing. After leaving my nursing program in Alabama and not being able to get into a nursing program in Texas, I changed my major to Information Technology and she was ecstatic. So, this weekend I achieved her dream and my dream. We did it and I have set a precedent for young women in this family that I hope they will strive to achieve and surpass. 

Graduation was phenomenal. My graduation party was beautiful. I never imagined I'd experience anything that awesome and so personalized in my life. It was so much more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I can't quite put into words how I felt with everyone being there and everyone celebrating my accomplishment. I'm so blessed for the people in my life. For everyone supporting me. For those that have sacrificed to help make my life easier while I try to finish school. For those who were there for me to lean on for emotional support in the past year as I struggled to push through and deal with my grief all at the same time. I am truly blessed.

Some photos from my Tiffany's themed graduation party.

It's kinda funny because in a sense I feel like I have more people in my life that care about me than ever before. I guess tough situations really do show you who your REAL friends and family are, and lucky for me, I have gained a lot more than I've lost.

Me and my Daddy after graduation. <3

I just wanted to share with those of you that follow me that I did it. It was very hard, sitting in my chair before it was time for the College of Science and Mathematics graduates to be called up there. I was looking around for everyone that I knew that came to see me graduate and each time I realized I wouldn't see Mom. It was very hard knowing she wasn't going to be there. As I walked to my chair among the Class of 2014 graduates the chair of the Computer Science Department stopped me and told me he was proud of me. Then as I was about to receive my "degree" the advisor for the COSM told me I had worked so hard and how proud she was of me. Each of these people knew what I had been through and it meant so much to me for them to say these things. I fought back tears the entire time. Thank God for my graduating classmates, (which were all boys, I was the only girl to receive the IT degree), if I looked sad or teared up they'd joke with me or make me laugh. They really kept me from losing it. I really wish I had taken a picture with all of them.

I am fortunate enough to have been extended a full time position with the company I interned for this past semester. I'm the concept designer for our software and I am happy to have a job in my field of study. I know many college graduates aren't so lucky but that is why I made the decision to pursue a technical degree.

I guess that is all. I had started this post the day after graduation but forgot to publish it. So, sorry it's so late.

Here are some graduation pictures and graduation senior pictures as well. :)

What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you...

So, today marks the 1 year "anniversary" of Mom's passing.

Yesterday was the actual 1 year from the day that we pulled her off life support and waited for her to pass. We waited for her to leave her human body of suffering and go into the spirit realm and be welcomed by God and our other family members we have lost.

I know in my heart that she is in a better place. Far better than if we had kept her on machines for the rest of her life. I know she's where she should be given the situation. But I can't help but feel selfish. Graduation is 20 days away and I seriously do not want to graduate without her being here. I can't help but feel that way. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen without her. I'm scared of taking these next big steps in my life without her. I consult with my boyfriend's parents about career questions and post-graduation questions but I wish I could talk to her too. She would be beyond ecstatic seeing my graduation invitations and my stoles and helping me decide between chords or medallions (which I consulted with many family members about). 

I haven't dreamed about her in a long time. Sometimes I can hear her though. When I'm doing something I shouldn't especially like skipping class to sleep in, I can almost hear her say my first and middle name with that you-know-better tone.

I feel lost. It's been 1 year and I still feel very lost without her. One of my good friends who lost his Mom last year said it best "I can see myself, I can see where I'm supposed to be but I'm just a little too far. I'm out of reach." It truly feels that way and I am not sure that if you haven't lost someone close to you that makes up so much of your world, that you know what he's describing.

I have been hurting so long that I think I made myself be numb. I appear okay to most people. I cry probably once every other week now instead of every day. I do most of what I'm supposed to do. I'm still struggling with being social and would much rather crawl into bed and watch movies with my cats than to go out and be around people. I can't help it. It is seriously like the worst break up of all time. I literally feel like a piece of my heart broke a year ago. Sometimes when I remember everything that happened during those 17 days she was in the hospital I can feel it breaking all over again. I can feel the pain all over again and the rest of the time I just feel this hole inside of my heart. The heart feels. I'm already a very emotional person. I'm not good at concealing my feelings from people. I have to get whatever is bothering me off my chest at that very moment. So dealing with this and trying to hide how I feel is not an option. I will cry wherever I am. I remember last semester when I started crying silently in one of my classes.

I hurt inside. I hurt without her. I have needed advice from her SO many times this past year and it has killed me to not be able to talk to her. I miss her voice and I have horrible nightmares and thoughts that I may one day forget how she sounded. I have my sister and one of my cousins that I am really close with. My sister has a different perspective on death and loss and she's really good at dealing with her emotions so sometimes it can be hard to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I'm still feeling this way. My cousin just lost her Mom on April 4th, and it was devastating for so many of us so I don't feel like I can lean on her right now. Even though if she reads this post she will message me after and tell me I can talk to her about anything because she's the sweetest, most caring person ever.

So, it's Easter and I'm with my boyfriend's family. We hit our 3 year anniversary last week of being together and I am so truly grateful for his parents and everything they do. I wish my sister, Dad and paternal Grandma all lived here though so I could spend more holidays with them. Mom was my in-state family that I could visit and spend holidays with. Everyone has that part of their family that is their immediate family (whether by blood or choice). While I am very grateful for my boyfriend's parents, I wish my family was closer so we could have more holidays together. I think it would do me good to see them on a more regular basis. I haven't seen any of them since Mom's passing a year ago and I won't see them for another 20 days. Hopefully after I graduate I can see them more. 

So anyway, I am about to go celebrate Easter with my boyfriend's family. Here is a status my sister posted on Facebook today that I thought was beautiful and insightful.

"Today as I celebrate Easter with my family I do so with a heavy heart. On this day one year ago my family and I made the hardest decision we have probably ever made. Having to make the decision to take someone you love off life support is a difficult thing to do. However today is a day of remembrance...a day to remember that Jesus died for our sins and a day to know that the loved ones you lost are celebrating this wonderful day with the person we celebrate it for. How can we mourn for those people. We should be celebrating for them for they are in the presence of God and they are enjoying the true meaning of this holiday in person. So even though today marks 1 year of us being without my mom for her it marks 1 year that she's been in the presence of God and what a day to celebrate that!"

Rest In Peace Mom - You are surely not forgotten, always remembered and missed.We hope you're dancing in the sky, barbecuing with Uncle Freddy, Grandma Poppy and Winky and watching us all we we miss you dearly. <3

Change now it’s time for change, nothing stays the same

So a lot has been going on in my life that has impacting me in my studies and obviously updating this blog. I had an infected tooth that was hurting me for a while and I was seen on Feb. 4^th for it. They were booked for the entire month so I couldn’t make an appointment until march 6^th. The pain became so bad that it would wake me up in the middle of the night and keep me up. I tried to go to class while in pain and I couldn’t do anything except hold my face and wince in pain. I hardly heard a thing my professor said. So consequently, I missed about 2 weeks of classes. I finally BEGGED my dentist to see me before our appointment and get got me in last week (2/12/14) and did the root canal. I had an exam on 2/13 and I was still in pain. But I am finally over that and have been playing catch up with my studies. I had a 2 part exam yesterday/today and I think I did pretty good on it.

During this time last year I was dealing with some serious issues with my depression/anxiety. My mom was helping me get through it. She knew my personality well and she knew what to say that would motivate me and not make me want to crawl back in bed. The bed is my safe place. I feel at peace there. I have felt that way ever since I was kid. When life gets really really hard, all I want to do is curl up in the covers, cuddle my cats and sleep endlessly. There have been times when I have thought that death would be better than the struggles I seem to constantly face in life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suicidal by any means. I could never take my own life and I’d never do that to my family. Just sometimes I feel like the universe throws so many obstacles my way. Mom used to say that God put so much on because I was a very strong person and I could handle it. She said if he put those same struggles on someone who appeared to not deal with as much as me, it would break them and possibly cause them to end their life. She kinda made it sound like my duty. But I’ve been missing her a lot. My depression got the better of me recently with missing class due to my tooth, the pain in my tooth, the lack of sleep and a professor who nearly outright refuses to work with me. It’s times like this when I would call her for those pieces of advice, those words I needed to hear from her, that encouraged me and reminded me of the strong woman I am. But now I can’t call her. And mind you, there is NO ONE in this world who has been able to say things to me to bring me the comfort of those words. She just knew me…and she knew what to say…and how to say it…and I miss that a lot. I’m going to miss that for the rest of my life.

But, I’m picking up the pieces and trying to go back to doing good in my classes. The first step is actually attending them again. LOL. I refuse to let anything stop me from graduating. Just like I refuse to let my stomach condition stop me and refuse to let her passing stop me. I promised her May 2014 and damn it, I meant it.

This semester is a constant reminder of her. I can look back on Facebook messages we shared a year ago on this date and I do that frequently to remember her advice she was giving me when I was going through that. My boyfriend’s mom called me the other night when I was having a break down and it was really really nice of her to do it. She asked me what I would say to my Mom if I could talk to her and I started telling her and we ended up in conversation, conversation that I would probably have had with my Mom if she were still here. I appreciate his family so much. I also appreciate my family a lot too. I recently learned that one of my cousins lost her Mom at a really young age while she was away at college and so she resonates with how I feel and that is comforting. It’s hard sometimes when people don’t understand what you’re going through. I can honestly say I felt bad for people who lost their parents prior to me losing mom, but I didn’t truly understand that pain until last year when it happened to me and now when someone posts their parent or close family is in the hospital or that they lost them, I literally feel pangs of heartbreak for them.

So, today is 80 days until graduation. I have to have oral surgery on March 10^th which is the first day of my Spring Break. Yay for my last Spring break being awesome (not).

I guess that is all. I wanted to give a quick update so y’all know what’s going on.

Off to college, yes you went away, straight from high school, you up and left me...

So, the semester started and I am as unmotivated as it gets.

On top of that, my stomach problems are occurring more often and are worse and I have also been having LOTS of tooth pain, which I can nothing about since I have NO insurance right now.

That is the 1 thing I am looking forward to after graduation.

I'm going to be like "BRING ON THE INSURANCES!"

So, I'm trying to get on the ball and do what I'm supposed to do...but it's just not feeling easy for me.

I'm missing Mom A LOT.
I kinda felt this way last Spring semester and I even found Facebook messages where I was talking to her about how I was feeling.
She would encourage me and say "Getting out of bed is the first step."

This week it was announced that her favorite band: Mötley Crüe is having their farewell tour.

I ALWAYS wanted us to see them together and she was really mad at me for taking my boyfriend in 2011 instead of her.

I told myself I'd get another chance to take her one day and now I won't.

I contacted my Dad because he and my mom both loved Mötley Crüe when I was growing up and I have such good memories tied to their music and I love them as well.

So we're going to try to go together.

I don't want to make that same mistake again.

Dad and I love seeing live music together, so I really hope we get to see them.

Today (the date I started writing this post 1/30) is officially 100 days until graduation.
I need to step up my game or else I will not be graduating...

Last Thursday it snowed here, which is pretty uncommon for this part of Texas and we were ecstatic.

I really wanted to call Mom and tell her about it.

There's so much I want to tell her.

There's so many times I want to call her.
I haven't dreamed about her since like, last June I think and I hate that.

I wish she would come visit me in my dreams or something.

I hate death. 

I hate how final it is.

I've been very sick this week and I had to leave work early yesterday. I tried to stick it out for my entire shift, but it became really hard once I started running fever.
I know in the real adult world you have to go to work even when you're sick...so I was trying to be adult about it.
Eventually I was just laying my head against the wall accomplishing nothing.

There are times where I watch movies and stuff about the dead coming back and it makes me so very sad.
Especially in Vampire Diaries.
I guess that is all I really have to say.
I really miss my Mom.

2013: A Reflection

So everyone typically starts making new years resolutions at this point.

I've never really been one for those.

I always have the same typically resolutions:

1. lose weight

2. eat better

3. dedicate more time to school

4. do more good in the world

I don't even really care this year. 

I'm actually ready for 2013 to end.

It started off good. I was trying to lose weight and dropped about 15 lbs.

Only to have everything happen with Mom shortly after that.

April seemed like the longest month ever.

The rest of the year flew by.

I spent the entire month of May crying and grieving hard.

June was pretty much the same but I at least made it out of the house and I helped coach that little girl in a pageant which brought some happiness to my life.

July was hard because I was taking 3 classes in a summer session.

I remember taking exams with tears in my eyes just because I would cry randomly all the time but I couldn't risk failing my exams because of my emotions.

So I pushed through it.

I remember my boyfriend standing behind me, rubbing my shoulders, calming me down to get though the exam.

He's been so great.

So then August came and I passed all of my classes, earning my first 3.5 at my college.

Completing my first semester of school without my Mom.

Couldn't tell her of my success.

August was the start of a hard semester, taking 21 hours of classes.
Somehow though, I passed everything.
It wasn't without a lot of hard work and a lot of tears.
It wasn't without wanting to give up and quit.
It wasn't without me feeling like nothing mattered anymore because Mom wasn't here.
But I did it.
I have a will to push on.
I promised Mom I'd graduate and that is the last promise I ever made her before she died and I'm going to do it.

A lot of great things happened to me.
I went to the career fair in October to look for an internship and not only was picked among many applicants, I have a paid internship and will have a job after I graduate.
I thought my financial situation would keep me from finishing my last year of school but amazing things have happened there as well.
God has certainly been blessing me in many ways.
It just sucks the hard loss I had to take last year.

I anticipate April to be a hard month for me as it is the month of mom's birthday and death day.
Nearly every day in April I can remember being with her at the hospital in Austin up to the day of her death.
It's also the last month before graduation...with dead week being the last week of the month.
But I'll make it through it.
I know I will.
:)

Holiday Season

First off, let me note that I have tried to write a blog post several times since finals ended and just stopped feeling I didn't have much to say so I never published anything. So this post is actually a combination of different posting days. So forgive me if the topics vary so much.



So, final exams are over.

Most stressful week of my life.

Most stressful semester of my life.

I am so exhausted.

I spent nearly everyday of finals week sleeping from 2pm-7pm to stay up all night studying and take finals in the morning and then repeat.

I have one more final to take on January 9th because I couldn't fit it into my exam schedule.

All of my grades were posted and I passed everything!

I can't believe it.

I will graduate in May.

I cannot believe I have made it through another semester without Mom.

I wanted to call her during finals week when I was stressing out because she would always tell me to relax and breathe and that I was smart and that I would be fine.

I miss having her for support and advice so much.

I'm at that age where I was forming a great bond with her and could understand her on an adult level.

I could understand why she did things at certain times in my life that I did not understand as a kid.

So, it sucks that I can't share my success with her.

Honestly, I've been working harder towards my education since she passed away than ever before.

I have read that a lot of people stop living their life after losing someone.

They withdraw and cut people off.

I was at my worst during the summer until I started summer classes in July.

Even then I would cry nearly everyday.

I remember crying while I was taking exams.

This semester one day in class I just cried thinking about Mom.

Education was SO important to her.

All my life I remember her talking about us going to college.

I know she is really proud of me.

I know she will be proud of me when I graduate.

I sometimes cannot believe how final of a thing death really is.

There is no getting them back.

Break ups seem final....but not as final as this.

I started my internship last week and I love it.

I've been so excited and I want to call Mom about that too.

No one gets as excited about these things for me except my boyfriend.
I want to call her SO many times lately.
It's hard.

I don't typically spend Christmas with her because I usually bargain to have Thanksgiving off work so I tell them I'm willing to work Christmas.
So this holiday doesn't affect me in that sense.
But I know it must be hard for my brother, grandma and uncle who are accustomed to spending Christmas with her.
Mom was a very meticulous tree decorator.
When we were kids she would let us decorate the tree and after we went to bed she would re-decorate it.
I think it's funny now.
Back then I thought she didn't appreciate our tree decorating ability.

I see my boyfriend's sister and her reaction towards her Mom sometimes.
It's that I want to be by myself.
Parents suck.
Kinda mentality.
I also experienced this as a teenage girl.
I keep telling her she'll grow out of it and just smile at her because I know it's a phase we all go through.
My mom became one of my best friends once I became a young adult.
Maybe that is why her passing ever harder for me.
I lost not just my mother but someone I considered a friend.

I look forward to the days when I am graduated and married and my family from both sides and my spouses family from both sides can come to our house.
My dad is in Florida.
My grandma on his side is in Florida.
My sister, nephew and brother-in-law are in Alabama.
My little brother is now in Wyoming.
They are the people I would like to have around for Christmas.
Sharing the holidays.
Bringing up old memories.
Crazy stories, all of that.



I went to one of my long time friend's mom's house for a holiday party the other day.
We don't get to see each other a lot because she lives in Oklahoma now.
But I love seeing her and her Mom is the sweetest and has always treated me as an additional daughter since I was in junior high.
Being with them was the most comforting thing I have experienced in a long time.
I truly felt welcomed and loved when I was there.
It was the closest thing I could have had to being with my own family this holiday season and I am so grateful that we are still friends to this day.



So, tonight is Christmas Eve and I am at my boyfriend's parents.
We are going to Christmas Church service soon and I am really looking forward to that.
I hope everyone has a great Christmas and if you've lost someone this year I hope you have supportive people to be around during these hard times.


My next post probably won't be until 2014 so here's to the new year full of new opportunities and continuing to live a life in my mom's memory that she'd be proud of.
<3

Thanksgiving 2013

My first big holiday without Mom and specifically our holiday we always shared together.

I stayed the night with one of my close cousins the night before Thanksgiving. 

Me, my boyfriend, him, his girlfriend and one of their friends all played drinking games and hungout. 

It was fun.

The next morning we were going to spend Thanksgiving with some extended family on my Mom's side.

I had a cute little outfit picked out and I was getting ready I thought about Mom.

She used to wear these high socks and scrunch them down.

She also had a lot of cute flat boots.

She would get all festive for her job where she waited tables when I was younger.

So she'd wear a festive Christmas sweater and some big wreath earrings and stuff.

With each article of clothing I put on I felt like I was probably looking very much like her.

Headband with a bow.

Giant sparkly earrings.

Sequin sweater.

Leggings.

Black flat boots.

As I was in the bathroom fixing my hair I felt this lightness around me.

It was a random change I felt in the air around me.

It was weird.

I was thinking "You're dressing like your Mom you weirdo."
and then I had this thought "You're the new Gina."
and then this feeling came over me "and that's okay."
It was like that thought came from somewhere else.
Like Mom was whispering to me telling me it was okay.
That people look at me and see her and it comforts them. 

I could just be weird and overly hopeful....

My mind could be playing tricks on me with me being so sad knowing she wasn't going to be around this Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure.

I just know what I felt.

After that we went to my boyfriend's parents and we all saw a movie together.
On the drive over there my thoughts took a turn for the worst and I had to force myself to feel numb and keep everything inside so I wouldn't ruin everyone else's day with my emotions.

My boyfriend knew what I was feeling and he tried really hard to be comforting.

There wasn't really anything that could be done.

Just get through the day.

I did.

It wasn't a bad Thanksgiving.

But it wasn't anything like I wanted it to be.

It didn't feel right.

Even if I couldn't be with Mom I was with no one in my immediate family.

My sister is in Alabama.

My brother is in Wyoming.

My Dad and Grandma are in Florida.

My other Grandma hurt her back and couldn't drive to our family's where the dinner was at.

So I was just there watching all of these other people with their kids and their mom's and their grandma's and their grandpa's...and it sucked.

A lot of times I feel like Mom was my connection to everything and everyone and that without her I'm not connected anymore...

Just sucks.

That's all.

I figured some of my readers may be looking to see how I felt on Thanksgiving so I better do an update.

Anyway,

This week starts dead week and then finals week and then I start my internship.

So I am going to be pretty busy and don't know if y'all will see an update from me.

That's all.

Another Perspective

My mom has 3 children. 

Me - the oldest, I'm 26 now. 

My sister, who is the middle child, she is 25 now and our little brother who is now 14. 

Since my Mom's passing my brother has moved to another state to live with his Dad. 

My sister is married and lives in another state as well and I live in Texas. 

So we're all a part. I kind of hate it, especially now.

My sister posted this status on her Facebook yesterday and I wanted to share it. I think it's sufficient to know how she feels in dealing with this. She always has a way of seeing a positive lesson from this experience when I can't put my own grief aside to see the value of these things. So, I wanted to share it. Some things have been changed/omitted for privacy reasons.

"On this day exactly one year ago, my sister and I were headed to --------, TX to surprise my mom for Thanksgiving. Today I'm having so many images of the smile that was on her face and the tears running down her cheeks as she saw her grandson and I get out of the car. A lot of memories from that day are flooding into my head as well as a lot of regrets. As a person who captures peoples memories on a daily basis it amazes me how few of my own I actually document. I regret not getting pictures of my mom and I, and my mom and her grandson. I regret that we chose to leave early Thanksgiving to go Black Friday shopping. If I knew then what I know now I never would have left, I'd give everything back that I bought just for those last few hours with her. 

I hope everyone realizes that the reason for Thanksgiving is not for the great deals the next morning or for the big football games that weekend. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what you have no matter how much or how little. We take so much for granted and don't realize that our time is short. And spending those last few hours with someone we love is so much more valuable than running out to find that great deal or leaving because you don't wanna miss the big game. 

No matter how sad of a day today may be one thing that I am thankful for is the fact that this day opens my eyes. It makes me realize what I have and that there is no guaranteeing I'll have it tomorrow. Something this day is teaching me is to live each moment like it's my last and that being with the people who I love and who love me back is so much more important than anything else. And because of this I will not be going Black Friday shopping this year. I will be spending the day with my family and making memories. In case next year I can no longer make them!"

These are the only pictures I have from Thanksgiving last year.

My boyfriend, me, my little brother, my sister and my nephew last Thanksgiving at our Mom's

Mom teaching her only grandchild to use her motorized wheelchair like a race car. :)

(and my sister giving me a funny look)